Retreat Fourward

Orientation Oct 23
I feel the rolling expansion, my body and soul wavering in the flow, self unstuck and wobbling.All demands from others can finally be let go.I marvel at each egos requirements. I also at myself watch the passage of needs and wants but nothing is holding on.i resolve to drink chamomile tea in the evenings with honey, for my stomach. something is setting off my digestive system, gas and diarrhea

Oct 24 Morning
dream all night. the divine mother has gotten pregnant. from a donor through a clinic
he is actually a used car salesman from Reseda. we are at his lot and she is going into labor.
wake up every hour.
the dream continues all night
I get out of bed at 5am
have decaf and toast
ring the bell.

I marvel at the pleasant temperatures.
the silent lake
I sit until 5:55 ring the bell again
one empty chair, for George I guess
I experience the awareness (chit) all around me. like a heavy increases in its pressure when I come out of unconsciousness. slight aches in my shoulder and cheeks
it flows throughout the two hours. all is peaceful and serene in me.

breakfast oatmeal, granola,yogurt,banana, bread w/ millet, boiled eggs, perfect

writing is expressions of the time spent. I feel no experiences beyond that, no poetry, no inner dialogue. I went back to the church to get my flashlight. shanti is in her chair.
I sit in my room with nothing.
read the Mother Book.
drank juice plus and vitamins

noon meditation

stayed in full awareness, watched the movement between the ego and the being.
like passing through a waterfall over and over.
on one side the being, expansive, open, empty SAT raining down, the chit and ananda working through the chakras.
then the ego, thought, reactions, density, contractions
the veil between the two seems very thin.
on the being I feel my 4th and 6th chakras expanding, a fizzing of energies, inside there is a consciousness bursting out.
when I am in the gross ego all this stops, only awareness is focused on just the complaints of the mind. Its very easy to move from one to the other. I sit in the being expanding as much as possible.

after meditation kris needs to change her backjack for a chair. She writes me a full page of reasons why she is so uncomfortable. I give her a chair.

At lunch I see the others in their settings, the movements and interactions all run through the ego. preparations for yoga, walks , reactions to the food. I see four women eating from the gluten free dish. didn’t realize so many were gluten intolerant.
lunch is Mexican with beans, I have to pass, as my stomach cannot handle beans.

I leave see the church doors propped open. Inside shanti sits alone. I close the doors, the heater is on and leaves are blowing into the vestibule.

my room is silent. I prefer the closed box emptiness of the nest. I am in transition

4pm meditation
so long and ugly! I don’t want to write about it. Gas and Diarrhea at its peak. intestinal distress, PAIN! 2hours seemed beyond measure. no fancy thoughts or transcendence.

Resolved-no more salads, the greens are the worst and no more juice plus and vitamins, also very colon cleaning.
Yuch! period!- worst 2 hours of any retreat ---decided not to shit my pants…

dinner- small portion of pasta and bread. chamomile tea with honey.

evening interaction

at first resisted the directed meditation, Enter your feet, feel your toes etc., but as I stopped resisting I felt a great calmness and expansion. am the being always. my seat of being has always been there, only a lifetime has gotten in the way. I feel intense energy building.

Oct 25 morning meditation
deep clear energy, no thoughts. the time goes quickly, I feel healed inside.

breakfast of eggs potatoes toast – perfect
go walking on the beach
thousands of ladybugs on the rocks

perfect water blue as sunlight
emptiness in the arms of love
I am all that
nothing remains

Lake shore feather
in my hair
lost and free
broken stairway
crumbles down
molested by the storms
ancient waves reborn each day
wash upon the empty shore
eyes of man look far and see
only what time allows
the emptiness is everywhere
the only time is now

What journey this unmoving practice
sitting still in silent merger
where goes this soul when all is done
in to what hole does this belong
once mated then done until nothing comes
why did we do it at all

write these lines
not nebulous
All is seen and known
the tie beyond the ropes end
sitting hanging
nothing below
nothing above
this work serves only one
unknown unending
beyond every thing
waiting alone

what concrete poured now broken
blocks and walls scattered near and far
trees perfect unnoticed
dropping seeds on past remains

not a boat
not a bird
not a beach walker
nothing but
water sky mountains

each rock beneath the water
leaves a shadow on the waves
billions of rocks in the lake
each one waiting dense
to become liquid in another life

do butterflies remember
feet and fur and eternal soil?

waves silent come
to speak upon the sand
and cry upon the rocks

love is a dangerous tool
it is everything and more
it is deaths doorway
and the promise of bliss
i found love waiting
and it left before i could
what remained was emptiness
and no doorway back

visitor had been in my room, - loaf of French bread gone
door left open… one of the camp dogs likely

Afternoon meditation
lost contact first hour
second hour drenched in energy – feeling
very light – empty

afternoon walk
up the hill across the road. walked to the high rocks – felt energized

evening meditation
all quiet – energy running
then gas returns
I focus on it but nothing comes
uncomfortable for last half hour
beautiful sunset

dinner noodles and veg with tofu – not good for gas
gas diarrhea cramping – all night
rang bell for morning meditation then ran to bathroom
stuffed toilet paper in my pants
if I have to I will just be a shitty mess

Morning meditation Oct 25
I set my attention on the pain
the upset in my lower colon
the jittery looseness and clenching
I feel unhappy scared
the world seems terrifying
and I am small and lonely
the pain begins to talk to me
money fears, my savings
fear of being unable to take care of myself
deep in my second chakra
tied down in my first chakara
and there in my vital I saw
my child, my vital being, crying
scared, alone and I collapsed
and held him in my arms
My little one, what am I doing?
this universe is filled with love
and all the faces of everyone who I know
came to me, filled with giving love and Mother above smiled on me
and I flowed with sudden hot tears of gratitude
holding my child
and knowing I could let this go
at long last
my vital child pulled at the long rope of my fear
from my chakras and sent it into a rose
many miles of fear were drawn out like putrefying intestines
and were sent into the sun to be released forever
then I saw so many fears trapped here, I began helping the child, removing them,
the big ones, using giant psychic cranes and rolling reels to lift
and sucking out giant structures of fears,
then I set giant gill nets filled with hook to pull out the millions of tiny fears
just beneath the surface of the vital.
I held my vital child, calling him by name, loving him and thanking him  and apologizing for making him live in such fear,
Now you can be yourself, in love and playing in the wonder of life.
then the vital child beckoned to me pulling on my hand
and took me to a vast chamber filled with jail cells.
in each one was an author, a poet,a  teacher
and I went them each and opened their doors and let them float out up the giant open shaft of light that we all were standing in
I looked up and down and saw thousands of cells and commanded they all be opened
and all released and then all the walls of cells be pulled out and sent flying into the sun to be turned into pure available energy for the universe.
then my vital child took me to another giant chamber stretching from the top of the shaft of light down into the infinite depths of sight
this was also all filled with cells and filled with the relatives and ancestors and friends throughout all my lifetimes
and these I also commanded be opened and each released forever and these walls of infinite cells be torn out and sent to burn in the nuclear fire of the sun.
Then my vital child walked holding my hand  and showed me a wall stretching beyond sight covered with traps and latches each holding attachments and desires, beyond knowing or comprehending. These also I opened with a wave of my hand and billions of locks and traps released into the distant fire and cleansed from the universe forever. the wall too was removed and sent to infinities nuclear end
the shaft I was in suddenly stretched wide and filled with light and I looked up and saw the brilliance as if from a distance and I saw a huge canopy across my 7th chakra and I lifted that revealing layers and layers of filters and covers descending down the cavern of the infinite shaft of my chakras. I brought in the psychic cranes and augers and began removing these hundreds and hundreds of blocks to the divine light
as the last and most desperate filter was dug from the smallest aperture the shaft suddenly filled with unbearable light and everything widened with the infinite pressure and filled as the universe came inside and I continued to stretch and stretch. I felt my skin expand around the blazing orb of all existence and begin to come apart even as my two hands were holding round its immensity

I disappeared into the frothing ball of being and died
there was expansion and a blue wave growing and glowing and I sat in that
the movement surrounded and the motion circled, All in me
Nothing beyond
somewhere light and sound
emptiness between everything

breakfast plain toast and tea

319 When one contemplates on the all-wise timeless Being, the sovereign Master of all, the subtlest sustainer, the form beyond human imagination, efflugent like the sun and far beyond the darkness of ignorance
320 And meditates on the Ancient Being with devotion, fixing the breath between the two eyebrows, he reaches the supreme divine state.

Midday meditation
splendor Silence
Absolute Stillness
waves of pure intensity
breathing to my 6th, 4th and 3rd
breathing from all 7 chakras
the SAT is palpable
beyond knowing
Stillness unbroken

Stare into the shimmering lake

lunch toast plain banana tea

hike for 1 hour

Evening meditation oct25

no thoughts no mind no self
simple quiet relaxed serene
heater fan explodes with noise – silenced with tissues
return to forever
regaining consciousness – sat chit ananda
flowing energy warm and soft
I sit within untouched dancing
love is alive
ananda awaits everywhere

dinner  - spinach&squash lasagna brussel sprouts French bread cookie and tea
              and love

evening interaction oct 25

Wow! brother how do you do it? one taste of the SAT the being and I am a blubbering mess. your speaking is so completely direct and true. I love your discipline and direction.
be that
what is
I am now
the night is a long brigade of dreams about Volkswagens and search for parts and the comedy of errors and screwups that creates.
its 3:30 am and I hurt all over. my hips especially.
I get up and do my stretches, thankful for the rug I brought to lay across the cold cement floor.
I sit and do my meditation sitting energetic, bringing cosmic and earth energies inside. the being comes also and I am tossed aside in the unstoppable hurricane of force.

what remains goes to the chapel. resets the heater, sits in the center of the empty meditation circle surrounded by the mounded piles of pillows and blankets and lets the SAT flow unending. What is the difference. this life I have felt the merger many many times. when will the soul remain empty of myself? all is the force held in one tiny heart filled with gratitude and love.

morning meditation oct 26

woke at 3:30 by my bed on the rug – painful stretching
sitting in meditation – no pain
completely still beyond movement
I forget where my hands and feet are
I do not move from beginning to end
the austerity is perfect
the body is set in stone
time passes and awareness remains
In the Being and out
the self in the Self in the self
I lose my self
everything is gone
time returns and empties the mind
one is one is one
nothing adds anything
wakefulness and attention
on no thing
the buzzer
the bell
the round is over

Afternoon meditation oct 26
One point above the crown
pyramid centered attention
all energy converges on the apex
the body is light and limber dry
no feelings arise
stare into the vast wideness
unmoving silence
the body is gone
I am in flight covering the world
at the mahasamadhi in Pondicherry
massive energy
Mother and Sri Aurobindo there
above me smiling
energy pours without end
I float up the mountain between them
they hold me the universe boils in me
pure white light engulfs everything
body shaking returning
world of brilliance peace

lunch tea and toast
staring into the infinite

evening meditation oct 26
sit in silence
mindless thoughts sneak under the vast openness
Simran, my only hook in this world
then gone, then silence
the book of being is open
the words are never spoken
vast light across a horizon
sat chit ananda is pouring down
down down down
through my back channels
into the first chakra
pressure building tightening
moving up the spine slowly
up the 6th chakra
then slowly fills my head
pressure descends
sitting shaking bells ringing

dinner – mushroom and cauliflower and dark chocolate

evening interaction oct 26

can I say EGO BABBLE?
well I did
so what?
we all need to do it
next to me Kathleen is processing big time
I can hardly wait for the explosion

tea time afterwards in the empty cafeteria
Kathleen cries on my shoulder
we talk via note pad
deep rooted victim pictures
I am only the messenger
she reads my tale of lower chakra cleansing
vows to work on herself tonight
love the drama

dream of Indians(American) tribal councils created to share the spiritual processes, revitalize the Indian communities. I work with an alcoholic Indian who cooks meth and is involved with a land swindle
whew- heavy yet funny

Ring the Bell!

morning meditation oct27

the being wanting to know the unmanifest, that is unknowable, created awareness – the Falseness
that which is not the unmanifest
consciousness is the force of awareness
the collector of the awareness that reflects off the unmanifest
we are here to explore the interaction
of the false with the truth
to be the measure of what the truth is not
so we are false even to ourselves
for we interact with the false
to create false truth – manifestation with the false
the mother directs the movement of the false as the being intends
but being false we resist that
we call that free will HA!
the false being false to the False
this is why everything is impermanent
since we are not the truth we cannot endure
Time and Space tools of the falsehood, control the false
we cannot directly experience truth
rather we see only the reflection of the false interacting with the truth
so we see what the truth is not
therefore all we see and experience is how the false reacts to the truth
that is our purpose
but when we only interact with the false
we see only the reaction of the false to the false. being false this feels familiar, real.
but there is no purpose to this, no meaning.
everything is reacting to the intention of the Being to experience false in order to know the truth

so the manifest force that we experience physically is gravity
it wants to overtake the false – pull everything into the unmanifest – this is the ultimate force of existence – the black hole where matter, time and space are all destroyed. this is the destiny of existence.

we exist only to be the measure of what is not true in the interaction of false with truth
manifestation (awareness) with the unmanifest (unknowable)
awareness cannot create unmanifest awareness only manifest consciousness
the purpose of consciousness is to determine the patterns of resistance where false interacts with truth

where manifest meets unmanifest
there is resistance – the interaction of consciousness with the unmanifest is Form
this is the shape of the resistance, the measurement of the interaction of false and truth

so all Form is what the unmanifest is not,
experienced through the interaction of false awareness and truth unmanifest.

in the world of falseness exploring truth
there is a three fold process – the 3 R’s
Resistance, Realization, Reaction

first we touch the unmanifest and experience resistance – then we realize the falseness of that resistance – then we manifest how consciousness reacts to that realization

Mother is directing all this work for the Being, the intelligent organizing manifesting principles of consciousness. we are that false consciousness acting on the manifestation of falseness with the truth

the being (ha!) which is beyond unknowable, more than even that, is experiencing falseness – what is not truth, not the imperishable unmanifest.
we are that – Truth consciousness is knowing the False not the truth
truth is unknowable – unmanifest
to experience the being is the false knowing it is false and knowing the purpose that it plays
in this we become all falseness with true purpose and are complete with that, becoming once more in truth
we return from that into a body as truth in the falseness – everything then is False reacting to truth.
The being is that which we are, I AM
that truth can only be
not be experienced
we are false experiencing truth
experiencing the resistance (form) to truth
where false interacts with truth
it can only experience that which truth is not
so Love is not truth (false interacts with truth and knows its purpose)
    Bliss is not truth (false interacts with truth and experiences the chit - awareness)
    Fear is not even a reaction to truth (false interacts with false)
truth is that which is hidden
what is experienced is the false
so when we experience objects, forms
we see that which is not – their reflection
the truth of the object, form, - that which does not reflect – cannot be experienced - it is the unmanifest
as we interact with the truth, our experience changes as that which is reflected reacts to the constant change of our false realities.
everything is impermanent – infinitely changing-
to change the amount of resistance to the truth
when there is no resistance – then we are that which we cannot experience
release all resistance – experience nothing

the unmanifest  is all that unchanging eternally – all that is
everything manifest is false
false is the reaction to truth
awareness is the field of the false
where false can be known and exist
consciousness is the knowing of false in all things, knowing all experiences of the false interacting with the truth
through this knowing, the unmanifest is revealed as what it is not
the resistance to nothing, the manifestation of form, what we experience is the false reacting with the truth, the false reacting to the false, the infinite changing experiences
the unending manifestation interacting with the changeless unmaiifest reality
so truth in falseness is unending resistance to the unmanifest
as truth enters the falsehood – everything reacts, resistance is furious

We are false
we experience falseness
Everything is false
that’s why nothing seems real
that’s why we have low self esteem
that’s why we are false to ourselves and everyone around us
there is no truth
so there is no way to not be false

but there is a purpose to false
and in that we have some options
when we interact with the truth(Unmanifest SAT, Supreme Being) we are fulfilling our purpose
when we do that we experience Joy, Bliss, Heightened Awarerness,Ananda, connection etc.
of course these are temporary experiences as all falseness is

when we interact with Falseness (manifest forms,ASAT, Human systems) we experience Fear, desire, loneliness, depression, etc., because that is not our purpose
we are not supposed to be creating false structures out of false interacting with false
we are supposed to interact where there is truth
when we stop resisting this natural purpose then we become that which is true.

to be, being
that is all
there is no other Being
just being
nothing else
all the same
what is not being
is False!
let go of everything
that’s as true as false can be

what are you holding on to?
that’s the only question you have to answer
then the only thing to do is LET GO!

there is no purpose in knowing the truth about Existence

it doesn’t make the light green
it makes the red ok.
what we hold onto
our preferences
are what we do instead of BEING
is the TRUTH about you a LIE?
you don’t have any truth
all you have is false
if you are being SOMETHING
then you are being FALSE

Just be
without anything
then you are DONE!

now I can truly say
I have begun to BE

I have stopped Being Something!

the truth is a virus that kills its host
the truth is a lie
whatever you think is true
stops your being

being is truth

everything we add to that takes us further away

once you are,

its done, it’s the simplest thing

the only thing

12 hours later
I am back in the mix now talking my new truth – The Falseness
interesting reactions
I don’t get to be the good guy
Im the False truth guy
gets people lit up
but I find I can just be with it
like present
and hold onto whats coming up in me
its confusing not to have any easy feel good answer
but i feel whats False easy enough
so I go with that
its enough to give my time to integrate whats coming
and work in the process

its not like an answer
its more like a what’s up

My emotional ties are gone
the truth of all that is purpose it served
with family its actually been gone
with Simi the truth is when she returned from India
I wanted
I started thinking we could bring back 2002
the whole us-and-our-secret-truth
but there was nothing there but my need – not love
when she went through the merger or enlightenment or whatever it was
the love was gone and my need was just ego driven bullshit!
so good riddance to that
the work Simi is doing is the Mothers work and that will serve the force which is so powerful there, and that needs looking at.
But for now,its me and the truth
no false zone – false free habitat for humanity
meaning me George sat shree and anyone who shows up
Being –only parking
well its all about that connection
Being and the False empire
how to get located permanently there

so its not that falseness is wrong
rather the false to false connection creates obscurity and misery, so don’t go there
The False-Truth connection is closer to the truth in the false world and the Mothers direction can be surrendered to.
Being-SatChitAnanda alignment is required to go beyond the Falsehood

now its like the mountain top – the world covered in clouds below
I see the same mountain top stretching into infinity
and myself with it
there is no one else
the sky is beyond
wide and empty
no clouds – silence
an unending austerity of being
I don’t see any masters or layers or levels above or with me
no one to refer to, no point of reference
there is just truth being alone untouched
under the clouds there is nothing
what looks like the top of the mountain
is an island in the sky
the clouds the ocean of existence
the sky
the emptiness of truth

mary madonna
sweet lover of god
fill me with sweet surrender

What sleeping wakes upon the shore
candles lit on rough hewn altars
sunlight burns the billion waves
and rocks crack underfoot
silence rides the dawns return
and finds the stillness waiting
bell towers ring
the sky still black
and empty chuch still quiet
what night this Galilee comes
to rip the sleep from morning

saturday   SATurday
went into meditation
stillness silence
Giant pyramid-body structure
10% aware 90% unconscious – who needs this?
I empty the pyramid – crush the frame
stuff it down my grounding cord to the center of the earth
SAT SHREE said when you become Aware
you are less there and more available to the Being
so I said to the universe
Im Available

I reduced myself, my ego, to the size of a pea and
put it in my 3rd chakra
a powerful energy came into my 6th
the psychic was the size of a fist shaped like a long diamond
pulsing with brilliant white energy
I let the energy in, down all my chakras
suddenly every chakra opened like I have never experienced
each chakra a ring around and through the body
plus rings around the thighs knees and ankles
then I became filled with
each cell in me filled and radiated
a celestial merger commenced

all through the morning interaction
into groups
I was a 3 with Mary and shanti and jane
the Being SAT with them
they all felt the force and mary connected
drinking deeply
as each spoke - the being shared
and gave to each the one or two sentences
they needed to hear
to let them know
all was being prepared for them

After the interaction SAT SHREE read the lines from the Gita
about the nature of the Imperishable One
when he was done
the Being spoke in me
“a few days ago, those were just words to me,
but now
I Am That…”

and the Being laid down the truth in me for all to see

After the final lunch and some goodbyes
I drove ever so slowly home
I wanted everything to go slower
take longer…
all things were as new
never experienced before

after arriving home George wanted to go to costco
so we did
all those objects of desire
we shopped and paid – not bad
I felt at ease with the anonymous crowds
on the way home we stopped to look at a 4 wheel drive SUV for sale
it said Honda on the outside
but the motor was isuzu under the hood.
ran good good price
but not a Honda

we arrived home
kris, nancy, terry, gail
had gone to dinner
I prepared my bed upstairs in the dorm/loft that I would be sharing with terry
I sat downstairs, feeling the urge to meditate, to center and let the being refresh
As I sat in the living room
suddenly the 4 returned from dinner, laughing
talking animated high
it felt like shards of glass
being shoved into my body
I was terrified
needed a place to hide, to run
it was horrible
and I had no safe place
no room
everything was open
I tried going into the corner of the room
like a rat trapped
close my eyes
withdraw from the babble and fear that filled me
and I felt radiating from everyone

I realized it was almost time to go meditate in the dome 7 to 830
so I ran out of the living room to the dome outside
hoping that would be safe
but shanty and nancy were out there
arranging the lounges and talking and banging and crashing
no relief
my mind was berserk
how could I meditate
I could feel each of their vitals
excited, disappointed, exalted, angry, SCARED
happy, needy
Unstoppable Awareness

I was terrified
there was no merger
no being
just noise and fear
the False interacting with the false

I sat through meditation
the mind an unstoppable wheel
where normally not a thought would pass

as soon as meditation ended I waited for everyone to leave so I could
open my eyes and go
so intense was the pressure that as soon as I left the dome
my colon voided and I shit myself
in a frenzy I got my van prepared for me, so I could stay there, behind the dome hidden from the house.
inside the tiny space
huge clumsy awareness
spilling water
candle dripping wax on everything
tossing dirty clothes, shoes, bags of coffee, vitamins, books in piles
to make room
so I can sit
Anything but be in that fracturing house filled with collapsing systems.

finally the space is cleared
and I sit
Silent Mind
all the brain shit cleared
my space
I sit in unchanging awareness
not knowing what anything means

hours later 3am
I lay down for 2 hours
prepare for meditation in the house
I wake instantly
no change in the awareness
I had talked to George the night before after the non-meditation
freaked wired scared
he told me the awareness wont leave like the merger did
the crack of the system to allow the expansion
would remain open
then I realized that the junkie fix
of Merger was just to anesthetize me
while the crack was made
like the pain meds that put you under during the brain surgery

this unflinching awareness remains
inside there is nothing
no attachments
no fears
no emotions
as I examine every detail of every moment
I am alive

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

one eyed

the loosed serpent spent
the strike deadly and done
none are left
but the eyes maintain
their deadly vigilance
hung like flags defeated
the last bell mourns
this too lost
but none to sound retreat
I am found alas
too late and
will never come running home
the sweetest kiss
the last i've ever known
from lips too long parted
my fevered wish
the emptiness
has found in me its truth
a falseness divinely started