Retreat Fourward

Orientation Oct 23

I feel the rolling expansion, my body and soul wavering in the flow, self unstuck and wobbling.All demands from others can finally be let go.I marvel at each egos requirements. I also at myself watch the passage of needs and wants but nothing is holding on.i resolve to drink chamomile tea in the evenings with honey, for my stomach. something is setting off my digestive system, gas and diarrhea

Oct 24 Morning

dream all night. the divine mother has gotten pregnant. from a donor through a clinic

he is actually a used car salesman from Reseda. we are at his lot and she is going into labor.

wake up every hour.

the dream continues all night

I get out of bed at 5am

have decaf and toast

ring the bell.

I marvel at the pleasant temperatures.

the silent lake

I sit until 5:55 ring the bell again

Meditation

one empty chair, for George I guess

I experience the awareness (chit) all around me. like a heavy mist.it increases in its pressure when I come out of unconsciousness. slight aches in my shoulder and cheeks

it flows throughout the two hours. all is peaceful and serene in me.

breakfast oatmeal, granola,yogurt,banana, bread w/ millet, boiled eggs, perfect

writing is expressions of the time spent. I feel no experiences beyond that, no poetry, no inner dialogue. I went back to the church to get my flashlight. shanti is in her chair.

I sit in my room with nothing.

read the Mother Book.

showered

drank juice plus and vitamins

noon meditation

stayed in full awareness, watched the movement between the ego and the being.

like passing through a waterfall over and over.

on one side the being, expansive, open, empty SAT raining down, the chit and ananda working through the chakras.

then the ego, thought, reactions, density, contractions

the veil between the two seems very thin.

on the being I feel my 4^th and 6^th chakras expanding, a fizzing of energies, inside there is a consciousness bursting out.

when I am in the gross ego all this stops, only awareness is focused on just the complaints of the mind. Its very easy to move from one to the other. I sit in the being expanding as much as possible.

after meditation kris needs to change her backjack for a chair. She writes me a full page of reasons why she is so uncomfortable. I give her a chair.

At lunch I see the others in their settings, the movements and interactions all run through the ego. preparations for yoga, walks , reactions to the food. I see four women eating from the gluten free dish. didn’t realize so many were gluten intolerant.

lunch is Mexican with beans, I have to pass, as my stomach cannot handle beans.

I leave see the church doors propped open. Inside shanti sits alone. I close the doors, the heater is on and leaves are blowing into the vestibule.

my room is silent. I prefer the closed box emptiness of the nest. I am in transition

4pm meditation

so long and ugly! I don’t want to write about it. Gas and Diarrhea at its peak. intestinal distress, PAIN! 2hours seemed beyond measure. no fancy thoughts or transcendence.

Resolved-no more salads, the greens are the worst and no more juice plus and vitamins, also very colon cleaning.

Yuch! period!- worst 2 hours of any retreat ---decided not to shit my pants…

dinner- small portion of pasta and bread. chamomile tea with honey.

evening interaction

at first resisted the directed meditation, Enter your feet, feel your toes etc., but as I stopped resisting I felt a great calmness and expansion. am the being always. my seat of being has always been there, only a lifetime has gotten in the way. I feel intense energy building.

Oct 25 morning meditation

deep clear energy, no thoughts. the time goes quickly, I feel healed inside.

breakfast of eggs potatoes toast – perfect

go walking on the beach

thousands of ladybugs on the rocks

perfect water blue as sunlight

emptiness in the arms of love

I am all that

nothing remains

Lake shore feather
in my hair
lost and free
broken stairway
crumbles down
molested by the storms
ancient waves reborn each day
wash upon the empty shore
eyes of man look far and see
only what time allows
the emptiness is everywhere
the only time is now

What journey this unmoving practice
sitting still in silent merger
where goes this soul when all is done
in to what hole does this belong
once mated then done until nothing comes
why did we do it at all


write these lines
not nebulous
All is seen and known
the tie beyond the ropes end
sitting hanging
nothing below
nothing above
this work serves only one
unknown unending
beyond every thing
waiting alone


what concrete poured now broken
blocks and walls scattered near and far
trees perfect unnoticed
dropping seeds on past remains

not a boat
not a bird
not a beach walker
nothing but
water sky mountains
wonderment

each rock beneath the water
leaves a shadow on the waves
billions of rocks in the lake
each one waiting dense
to become liquid in another life

do butterflies remember
feet and fur and eternal soil?

waves silent come
to speak upon the sand
and cry upon the rocks

love is a dangerous tool
it is everything and more
it is deaths doorway
and the promise of bliss
i found love waiting
and it left before i could
what remained was emptiness
and no doorway back

visitor had been in my room, - loaf of French bread gone

door left open… one of the camp dogs likely

Afternoon meditation

lost contact first hour

second hour drenched in energy – feeling

very light – empty

afternoon walk

up the hill across the road. walked to the high rocks – felt energized

evening meditation

all quiet – energy running

then gas returns

I focus on it but nothing comes

uncomfortable for last half hour

beautiful sunset

dinner noodles and veg with tofu – not good for gas

gas diarrhea cramping – all night

rang bell for morning meditation then ran to bathroom

stuffed toilet paper in my pants

if I have to I will just be a shitty mess

Morning meditation Oct 25

I set my attention on the pain

the upset in my lower colon

the jittery looseness and clenching

I feel unhappy scared

the world seems terrifying

and I am small and lonely

the pain begins to talk to me

money fears, my savings

fear of being unable to take care of myself

deep in my second chakra

tied down in my first chakara

and there in my vital I saw

my child, my vital being, crying

scared, alone and I collapsed

and held him in my arms

My little one, what am I doing?

this universe is filled with love

and all the faces of everyone who I know

came to me, filled with giving love and Mother above smiled on me

and I flowed with sudden hot tears of gratitude

holding my child

and knowing I could let this go

at long last

my vital child pulled at the long rope of my fear

from my chakras and sent it into a rose

many miles of fear were drawn out like putrefying intestines

and were sent into the sun to be released forever

then I saw so many fears trapped here, I began helping the child, removing them,

the big ones, using giant psychic cranes and rolling reels to lift

and sucking out giant structures of fears,

then I set giant gill nets filled with hook to pull out the millions of tiny fears

just beneath the surface of the vital.

I held my vital child, calling him by name, loving him and thanking him  and apologizing for making him live in such fear,

Now you can be yourself, in love and playing in the wonder of life.

then the vital child beckoned to me pulling on my hand

and took me to a vast chamber filled with jail cells.

in each one was an author, a poet,a  teacher

and I went them each and opened their doors and let them float out up the giant open shaft of light that we all were standing in

I looked up and down and saw thousands of cells and commanded they all be opened

and all released and then all the walls of cells be pulled out and sent flying into the sun to be turned into pure available energy for the universe.

then my vital child took me to another giant chamber stretching from the top of the shaft of light down into the infinite depths of sight

this was also all filled with cells and filled with the relatives and ancestors and friends throughout all my lifetimes

and these I also commanded be opened and each released forever and these walls of infinite cells be torn out and sent to burn in the nuclear fire of the sun.

Then my vital child walked holding my hand  and showed me a wall stretching beyond sight covered with traps and latches each holding attachments and desires, beyond knowing or comprehending. These also I opened with a wave of my hand and billions of locks and traps released into the distant fire and cleansed from the universe forever. the wall too was removed and sent to infinities nuclear end

the shaft I was in suddenly stretched wide and filled with light and I looked up and saw the brilliance as if from a distance and I saw a huge canopy across my 7^th chakra and I lifted that revealing layers and layers of filters and covers descending down the cavern of the infinite shaft of my chakras. I brought in the psychic cranes and augers and began removing these hundreds and hundreds of blocks to the divine light

as the last and most desperate filter was dug from the smallest aperture the shaft suddenly filled with unbearable light and everything widened with the infinite pressure and filled as the universe came inside and I continued to stretch and stretch. I felt my skin expand around the blazing orb of all existence and begin to come apart even as my two hands were holding round its immensity

I disappeared into the frothing ball of being and died

there was expansion and a blue wave growing and glowing and I sat in that

the movement surrounded and the motion circled, All in me

Nothing beyond

somewhere light and sound

emptiness between everything

breakfast plain toast and tea

Gita

319 When one contemplates on the all-wise timeless Being, the sovereign Master of all, the subtlest sustainer, the form beyond human imagination, efflugent like the sun and far beyond the darkness of ignorance

320 And meditates on the Ancient Being with devotion, fixing the breath between the two eyebrows, he reaches the supreme divine state.

Midday meditation

splendor Silence

Absolute Stillness

waves of pure intensity

breathing to my 6^th, 4^th and 3^rd

breathing from all 7 chakras

the SAT is palpable

beyond knowing

Stillness unbroken

Silence

Stare into the shimmering lake

lunch toast plain banana tea

hike for 1 hour

Evening meditation oct25

no thoughts no mind no self

simple quiet relaxed serene

heater fan explodes with noise – silenced with tissues

return to forever

regaining consciousness – sat chit ananda

flowing energy warm and soft

I sit within untouched dancing

love is alive

ananda awaits everywhere

dinner  - spinach&squash lasagna brussel sprouts French bread cookie and tea

              and love

evening interaction oct 25

Wow! brother how do you do it? one taste of the SAT the being and I am a blubbering mess. your speaking is so completely direct and true. I love your discipline and direction.

be that

what is

I am now

the night is a long brigade of dreams about Volkswagens and search for parts and the comedy of errors and screwups that creates.

its 3:30 am and I hurt all over. my hips especially.

I get up and do my stretches, thankful for the rug I brought to lay across the cold cement floor.

I sit and do my meditation sitting energetic, bringing cosmic and earth energies inside. the being comes also and I am tossed aside in the unstoppable hurricane of force.

what remains goes to the chapel. resets the heater, sits in the center of the empty meditation circle surrounded by the mounded piles of pillows and blankets and lets the SAT flow unending. What is the difference. this life I have felt the merger many many times. when will the soul remain empty of myself? all is the force held in one tiny heart filled with gratitude and love.

morning meditation oct 26

woke at 3:30 by my bed on the rug – painful stretching

sitting in meditation – no pain

completely still beyond movement

I forget where my hands and feet are

I do not move from beginning to end

the austerity is perfect

the body is set in stone

time passes and awareness remains

In the Being and out

the self in the Self in the self

I lose my self

everything is gone

time returns and empties the mind

one is one is one

nothing adds anything

wakefulness and attention

on no thing

the buzzer

the bell

the round is over

Afternoon meditation oct 26

One point above the crown

pyramid centered attention

all energy converges on the apex

the body is light and limber dry

no feelings arise

stare into the vast wideness

unmoving silence

the body is gone

I am in flight covering the world

at the mahasamadhi in Pondicherry

massive energy

Mother and Sri Aurobindo there

above me smiling

energy pours without end

I float up the mountain between them

they hold me the universe boils in me

pure white light engulfs everything

body shaking returning

world of brilliance peace

gratitude

love

lunch tea and toast

staring into the infinite

evening meditation oct 26

sit in silence

mindless thoughts sneak under the vast openness

Simran, my only hook in this world

then gone, then silence

the book of being is open

the words are never spoken

vast light across a horizon

sat chit ananda is pouring down

down down down

through my back channels

into the first chakra

pressure building tightening

moving up the spine slowly

up the 6^th chakra

then slowly fills my head

pressure descends

sitting shaking bells ringing

dinner – mushroom and cauliflower and dark chocolate

evening interaction oct 26

can I say EGO BABBLE?

well I did

so what?

we all need to do it

next to me Kathleen is processing big time

I can hardly wait for the explosion

tea time afterwards in the empty cafeteria

Kathleen cries on my shoulder

we talk via note pad

deep rooted victim pictures

I am only the messenger

she reads my tale of lower chakra cleansing

vows to work on herself tonight

love the drama

dream of Indians(American) tribal councils created to share the spiritual processes, revitalize the Indian communities. I work with an alcoholic Indian who cooks meth and is involved with a land swindle

whew- heavy yet funny

Ring the Bell!

morning meditation oct27

WE ARE THE FALSENESS!

the being wanting to know the unmanifest, that is unknowable, created awareness – the Falseness

that which is not the unmanifest

consciousness is the force of awareness

the collector of the awareness that reflects off the unmanifest

we are here to explore the interaction

of the false with the truth

to be the measure of what the truth is not

so we are false even to ourselves

for we interact with the false

to create false truth – manifestation with the false

the mother directs the movement of the false as the being intends

but being false we resist that

we call that free will HA!

the false being false to the False

this is why everything is impermanent

since we are not the truth we cannot endure

Time and Space tools of the falsehood, control the false

we cannot directly experience truth

rather we see only the reflection of the false interacting with the truth

so we see what the truth is not

therefore all we see and experience is how the false reacts to the truth

that is our purpose

but when we only interact with the false

we see only the reaction of the false to the false. being false this feels familiar, real.

but there is no purpose to this, no meaning.

everything is reacting to the intention of the Being to experience false in order to know the truth

so the manifest force that we experience physically is gravity

it wants to overtake the false – pull everything into the unmanifest – this is the ultimate force of existence – the black hole where matter, time and space are all destroyed. this is the destiny of existence.

we exist only to be the measure of what is not true in the interaction of false with truth

manifestation (awareness) with the unmanifest (unknowable)

awareness cannot create unmanifest awareness only manifest consciousness

the purpose of consciousness is to determine the patterns of resistance where false interacts with truth

where manifest meets unmanifest

there is resistance – the interaction of consciousness with the unmanifest is Form

this is the shape of the resistance, the measurement of the interaction of false and truth

so all Form is what the unmanifest is not,

experienced through the interaction of false awareness and truth unmanifest.

in the world of falseness exploring truth

there is a three fold process – the 3 R’s

Resistance, Realization, Reaction

first we touch the unmanifest and experience resistance – then we realize the falseness of that resistance – then we manifest how consciousness reacts to that realization

Mother is directing all this work for the Being, the intelligent organizing manifesting principles of consciousness. we are that false consciousness acting on the manifestation of falseness with the truth

the being (ha!) which is beyond unknowable, more than even that, is experiencing falseness – what is not truth, not the imperishable unmanifest.

we are that – Truth consciousness is knowing the False not the truth

truth is unknowable – unmanifest

to experience the being is the false knowing it is false and knowing the purpose that it plays

in this we become all falseness with true purpose and are complete with that, becoming once more in truth

we return from that into a body as truth in the falseness – everything then is False reacting to truth.

The being is that which we are, I AM

that truth can only be

not be experienced

we are false experiencing truth

experiencing the resistance (form) to truth

where false interacts with truth

it can only experience that which truth is not

so Love is not truth (false interacts with truth and knows its purpose)

    Bliss is not truth (false interacts with truth and experiences the chit - awareness)

    Fear is not even a reaction to truth (false interacts with false)

truth is that which is hidden

what is experienced is the false

so when we experience objects, forms

we see that which is not – their reflection

the truth of the object, form, - that which does not reflect – cannot be experienced - it is the unmanifest

as we interact with the truth, our experience changes as that which is reflected reacts to the constant change of our false realities.

everything is impermanent – infinitely changing-

to change the amount of resistance to the truth

when there is no resistance – then we are that which we cannot experience

release all resistance – experience nothing

the unmanifest  is all that unchanging eternally – all that is

everything manifest is false

false is the reaction to truth

awareness is the field of the false

where false can be known and exist

consciousness is the knowing of false in all things, knowing all experiences of the false interacting with the truth

through this knowing, the unmanifest is revealed as what it is not

the resistance to nothing, the manifestation of form, what we experience is the false reacting with the truth, the false reacting to the false, the infinite changing experiences

the unending manifestation interacting with the changeless unmaiifest reality

so truth in falseness is unending resistance to the unmanifest

as truth enters the falsehood – everything reacts, resistance is furious

We are false

we experience falseness

Everything is false

that’s why nothing seems real

that’s why we have low self esteem

that’s why we are false to ourselves and everyone around us

there is no truth

so there is no way to not be false

but there is a purpose to false

and in that we have some options

when we interact with the truth(Unmanifest SAT, Supreme Being) we are fulfilling our purpose

when we do that we experience Joy, Bliss, Heightened Awarerness,Ananda, connection etc.

of course these are temporary experiences as all falseness is

when we interact with Falseness (manifest forms,ASAT, Human systems) we experience Fear, desire, loneliness, depression, etc., because that is not our purpose

we are not supposed to be creating false structures out of false interacting with false

we are supposed to interact where there is truth

when we stop resisting this natural purpose then we become that which is true.

to be, being

that is all

there is no other Being

just being

nothing else

all the same

what is not being

is False!

let go of everything

that’s as true as false can be

what are you holding on to?

that’s the only question you have to answer

then the only thing to do is LET GO!

there is no purpose in knowing the truth about Existence

it doesn’t make the light green

it makes the red ok.

what we hold onto

our preferences

are what we do instead of BEING

is the TRUTH about you a LIE?

YES!

you don’t have any truth

all you have is false

if you are being SOMETHING

then you are being FALSE

Just be

without anything

then you are DONE!

now I can truly say

I have begun to BE

I have stopped Being Something!

WHEW

the truth is a virus that kills its host

but

the truth is a lie

whatever you think is true

stops your being

being is truth

everything we add to that takes us further away

once you are,

its done, it’s the simplest thing

the only thing

12 hours later

I am back in the mix now talking my new truth – The Falseness

interesting reactions

I don’t get to be the good guy

Im the False truth guy

gets people lit up

but I find I can just be with it

Be

like present

and hold onto whats coming up in me

its confusing not to have any easy feel good answer

but i feel whats False easy enough

so I go with that

its enough to give my time to integrate whats coming

and work in the process

its not like an answer

its more like a what’s up

My emotional ties are gone

the truth of all that is purpose it served

with family its actually been gone

with Simi the truth is when she returned from India

I wanted

I started thinking we could bring back 2002

the whole us-and-our-secret-truth

but there was nothing there but my need – not love

when she went through the merger or enlightenment or whatever it was

the love was gone and my need was just ego driven bullshit!

so good riddance to that

the work Simi is doing is the Mothers work and that will serve the force which is so powerful there, and that needs looking at.

But for now,its me and the truth

no false zone – false free habitat for humanity

meaning me George sat shree and anyone who shows up

Being –only parking

well its all about that connection

Being and the False empire

how to get located permanently there

so its not that falseness is wrong

rather the false to false connection creates obscurity and misery, so don’t go there

The False-Truth connection is closer to the truth in the false world and the Mothers direction can be surrendered to.

Being-SatChitAnanda alignment is required to go beyond the Falsehood

now its like the mountain top – the world covered in clouds below

I see the same mountain top stretching into infinity

and myself with it

there is no one else

the sky is beyond

wide and empty

no clouds – silence

an unending austerity of being

I don’t see any masters or layers or levels above or with me

no one to refer to, no point of reference

there is just truth being alone untouched

under the clouds there is nothing

what looks like the top of the mountain

is an island in the sky

the clouds the ocean of existence

the sky

the emptiness of truth

mary madonna
sweet lover of god
fill me with sweet surrender

What sleeping wakes upon the shore
candles lit on rough hewn altars
sunlight burns the billion waves
and rocks crack underfoot
silence rides the dawns return
and finds the stillness waiting
bell towers ring
the sky still black
and empty chuch still quiet
what night this Galilee comes
to rip the sleep from morning

saturday   SATurday

6am

went into meditation

stillness silence

Giant pyramid-body structure

10% aware 90% unconscious – who needs this?

I empty the pyramid – crush the frame

stuff it down my grounding cord to the center of the earth

SAT SHREE said when you become Aware

you are less there and more available to the Being

so I said to the universe

Im Available

I reduced myself, my ego, to the size of a pea and

put it in my 3^rd chakra

a powerful energy came into my 6^th

the psychic was the size of a fist shaped like a long diamond

pulsing with brilliant white energy

I let the energy in, down all my chakras

suddenly every chakra opened like I have never experienced

each chakra a ring around and through the body

plus rings around the thighs knees and ankles

then I became filled with

THE BEING

each cell in me filled and radiated

a celestial merger commenced

all through the morning interaction

into groups

I was a 3 with Mary and shanti and jane

the Being SAT with them

they all felt the force and mary connected

drinking deeply

as each spoke - the being shared

and gave to each the one or two sentences

they needed to hear

to let them know

all was being prepared for them

After the interaction SAT SHREE read the lines from the Gita

about the nature of the Imperishable One

when he was done

the Being spoke in me

“a few days ago, those were just words to me,

but now

I Am That…”

and the Being laid down the truth in me for all to see

After the final lunch and some goodbyes

I drove ever so slowly home

I wanted everything to go slower

take longer…

all things were as new

never experienced before

perfection

after arriving home George wanted to go to costco

so we did

all those objects of desire

we shopped and paid – not bad

I felt at ease with the anonymous crowds

on the way home we stopped to look at a 4 wheel drive SUV for sale

it said Honda on the outside

but the motor was isuzu under the hood.

ran good good price

but not a Honda

we arrived home

everyone

kris, nancy, terry, gail

had gone to dinner

I prepared my bed upstairs in the dorm/loft that I would be sharing with terry

I sat downstairs, feeling the urge to meditate, to center and let the being refresh

As I sat in the living room

suddenly the 4 returned from dinner, laughing

shouting

talking animated high

it felt like shards of glass

being shoved into my body

I was terrified

needed a place to hide, to run

it was horrible

and I had no safe place

no room

everything was open

I tried going into the corner of the room

like a rat trapped

close my eyes

withdraw from the babble and fear that filled me

and I felt radiating from everyone

I realized it was almost time to go meditate in the dome 7 to 830

so I ran out of the living room to the dome outside

hoping that would be safe

but shanty and nancy were out there

arranging the lounges and talking and banging and crashing

no relief

my mind was berserk

how could I meditate

I could feel each of their vitals

excited, disappointed, exalted, angry, SCARED

happy, needy

Unstoppable Awareness

I was terrified

there was no merger

no being

just noise and fear

the False interacting with the false

I sat through meditation

the mind an unstoppable wheel

where normally not a thought would pass

as soon as meditation ended I waited for everyone to leave so I could

open my eyes and go

so intense was the pressure that as soon as I left the dome

my colon voided and I shit myself

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in a frenzy I got my van prepared for me, so I could stay there, behind the dome hidden from the house.

inside the tiny space

huge clumsy awareness

spilling water

candle dripping wax on everything

tossing dirty clothes, shoes, bags of coffee, vitamins, books in piles

to make room

so I can sit

meditate

Anything but be in that fracturing house filled with collapsing systems.

finally the space is cleared

and I sit

Silent Mind

Ahhhhhhhhh

all the brain shit cleared

my space

sanctuary

I sit in unchanging awareness

not knowing what anything means

hours later 3am

I lay down for 2 hours

5am

prepare for meditation in the house

I wake instantly

no change in the awareness

I had talked to George the night before after the non-meditation

freaked wired scared

he told me the awareness wont leave like the merger did

the crack of the system to allow the expansion

would remain open

then I realized that the junkie fix

of Merger was just to anesthetize me

while the crack was made

like the pain meds that put you under during the brain surgery

this unflinching awareness remains

inside there is nothing

no attachments

no fears

no emotions

as I examine every detail of every moment

I am alive

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

one eyed

the loosed serpent spent
the strike deadly and done
none are left
but the eyes maintain
their deadly vigilance
hung like flags defeated
the last bell mourns
this too lost
but none to sound retreat
I am found alas
too late and
will never come running home
the sweetest kiss
the last i've ever known
from lips too long parted
my fevered wish
the emptiness
has found in me its truth
a falseness divinely started