Tuesday, November 1, 2011

true this

ok its 7am meditation at the washoe house has ended. we sit for 1.5 hrs each morning and evening. its a simple process, no mantras no incense no special techniques, just shut up and sit down. no leaving no bathroom breaks (EST syndrome) just sit with the SAT Guru who looks like an aging nevada hipster with his long salt and pepper ponytail and his sloppy sweats. two candles burn, more for light than anything else, though the transformational aspect of flame is inescapable. the women are lined up on the floor on their backjacks buried in pillows and blankets and preferences like a bunch of alabama ticks on a hogs back. i sit in the aging strat-o-lounger in the corner that has been discarded and rescued more than once in its current incarnation. I'm coming off a lifetime of spiritual seeking that has put me in touch with so many gurus and wannabes i couldnt turn around without a contribution wristband or a truth being seminar notice or a starbucks interaction falls into my scheduled chaos. i've started and discarded so many centers and mandirs and meditation circles and symposiums for the cultured soul that ive finally cracked the mandala and found an actual nugget or two of something almost truthful. Theres a lot of bullshit everywhere, its just a matter of wearing those hip high wading boots and not being squeamish about a little cleanup process every now and then.the truth is not a pretty picture you get to go appreciate while you have guests over for socialized intercourse. its a bit more raw than that. i found that actually getting to the Jed McKenna state is a whole lot of destruction and life defining moments that leave a sick taste in your mouth, and then of course there's the ANANDA that gets you shaking like a junkie on a ten cent bag. yeah its all about the fix and the next deal. you cant arbitrate the process or get stuck in experiences if you want something real. theres plenty of the BS if thats what you've come to wallow in, but you have to be really ready to even get close to whats not talked about, ego collapse, self destruction, no self, some fragment of truth where you cant exist and the price of admission is the whole enchilada, everything on a platter, nothing held back. can  you handle not feeling, not connected, not real, just to get started. How much work can you do before you send up a flare and call in the choppers? sometimes its like the dead and dessicated mouse i found under the living room couch, you have to stay in the room and not be too concerned about personal hygiene, and the outcome wont seem like what you wanted when you started, i guarantee that! can you move with a crazy ivan switchback over the falls move at any time? gotta flow with the go and feel the fear, it dont let go until you give it up.
well i guess thats enough beating around the bush about it. The reason i'm writing this stupid blog is because i've changed, everything and nothing. im not who i was but am what ive always been. the relationship i feel to whats true, not even real, i'll explain later, has shifted. its no longer out there. The truth is a process that eats your lies, your reality, or realities as is usually the case. the dualistic mantra is to have it all but really means having nothing while doing everything bassackwards. losing the jewel while reading the funny papers. the truth is and always is the closest thing to you that can be realized. theres not enough space between you and it to even take a breath. its right there in the thoughts and feelings that actually hide it from you. theres nothing thats you that it isnt it.yet you cant see it or feel it or know it without dieing. you have to become the undead, the living creatures are the untruth, its the unliving, the deathless birthless beings that actually exist. its like all those zombie movies except your rooting for the wrong side. its the hungry ones that can honestly say, i finally get it. theres no truth in life, sure theres plenty of half truth and some truth even little white lies and out and out hypocrisy, but theres no truth like the truth, everything else is false. not that false is bad it just leads to more false and no truth and constant endless change and repetition of the same dualistic patterns of thinking and acting that bring no lasting satisfaction. if you really want to get what you need and not just want, theres a process of redaction and reduction that leads to the imperishable truth, but you wont like it and it wont be anything that resembles the life your now living.you might think thats a good thing, but believe me, any trapped rat will tell you, better the cheese on the trap then a maze and no cheese. and it will look like a riddle a question that cant be answered a pointless pursuit and you would be right. but life is more than right and death is just the wrong way of looking at the whole process of the human evolution. the child stage for humans is indefinite, it usually lasts thousands of lifetimes, it almost has to else you cant gather the requisite experiences that set off the spiritual hormone development. its contact with the truth on earth that starts the aging process, and that ends it. and theres damn little of it to find so it takes a while. but once you find yourself surrounded by every shape and color of the celestial rainbow of enlightened beings all pointing in the various directions for you to go, well its time to start paying attention. this life can distract you so much that even falling over the guru a few times might go unnoticed. you know the saying, when the student is ready, the guru appears. well they may be ready but that doesnt mean they can see past their nose. so often, the responsibilities or the excitements or the pain of the struggle to be that personality you've so carefully crafted, makes the idea of turning away from it impossible to consider. but when the time comes, your time, it will make it happen. life will start to lose its joy, its meaning, its purpose, and the little spirit inside will start screaming all night, and you wont be able to shut it off even with the pills and booze. all you know is theres something else. maybe it happened when you were young, or on a drug trip, or a friend made you feel empty as they walked away, but its the truth in a package you received and it came postage due.
reality is what we all make while we are waiting for the truth. my reality, the one that fits my point of view, the one i can just barely support if i use all my energy, cause it aint the truth, and only the truth endures without any effort on your part. its the lightness in the heart and the emptiness of the life, the work that has no effort. what we do is avoid the truth with our realities, our constructions that push us away from what is right there with us every second, but theres no time left to know that. and even when we think we want to, theres no direction home, no easy do it yourself manual that makes any kind of sense, kinda like this blog. but hang on, i'll get to that too, when the moment is. the end of time, the last thought, the only thing that matters, your alone, the door is closed and the last thing you remember, the emptiness of it all, that nothing remains, no bit of life has any meaning, what do you get to keep or should i say what do have to finally let go, cause thats the thing stopping you from seeing the truth.be in that moment, solitary, no thing left, final answer, who am i?

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