true course

the truth state the no lie no cry no die state, scares the initiates. Theres the look of hunger and certainty that brings visions of the sacrificial lambs and Abrahams 1000 year trek to the desert of no milk and honey. This opening is the end of the happy/sad mad/glad win/lose open/closed mentality of the walking dreamers. i wake at 3:30, the air is frigid but not unbearable by the dint of the small heater radiating on medium through the Arctic night. Im a member of the trailer trippers, living in genteel squalor around the main house. beyond the parking area the white albatross of buckminster fuller sits like a giant toadstool, gracing the sagebrush landscape with its alieness.in the more livable seasons, meditations and interactions are held in the gently circulating energy of the round in the sphere mimicking the graceful orbits of all the creatures of gravity's unending domain. Man sits upon the round earth, gazes at the roundness of the moon and sun, lives surrounded by the boles and branches of harmonious nature and erects wooden and cement boxes to demonstrate his unwavering disinclination to wake up and smell the roses. The circle is the truth, life without end, one unity, wholeness and grace, the rectangular, square mentality is the reality of the square peg in a round hole thinking. i remember we had tests in grammar school to weed this out, but instead i think its purpose was to award the prize to the ones that could cram that 4 edged pig in the poke the deepest. i havent really found much use for the dome myself, except to watch the worshipping minions, wrap themselves in scarves and woolen caps and mittens and multiple layers of heavenly fleece and then swaddle in blankets and pillows until they become unrecognizable humps and lumps on the carpeted floor, as the twin towers of ungodly electricity consumption pump out 6000 watts of glowing orange heat circulation. then the master in his faded jeans that hang over his no-butt and his half smile and captivating eyes that see the truth beyond the truth of lies, steps through the wigwam door and wraps his light ceremonial shawl around his bony shoulders, sits and smiles at every soul no matter how lost or found, dual or triple tiered with the crowns of causality they may be. now the whiteness of the stars shines through a layer of frigidity and wintered darkness. the pipes froze despite the trickling faucets and the opened under sink cabinets, i fear the sub-teen temperatures have found their meaning in the end of plumbing delights. but i am inured to hardship, having moved up to the spaciousness of my 27 footer from my cozy and classic '83 westfalia camper, the last real home i own anymore. i barely use one end of the camper where the two cushioned love seats that double as twin beds sit with a small fold up table in between. this is my domain where the big wide windows open on all three sides and the kitchen seems a long walk away where the delights of a standup fridge and 4 burner propane stove with, gasp, an oven await. beyond even that, and here my mind boggles, is a full bathroom with portapotty and sink a shower and mini bath with, again a gasp, hanging closets and drawers that now hold my ,meager clothing supplies with plenty of room left over. The room is expansive for me and it demonstrates the changes i have created and live comfortably with since i began this quest for fire, for transformation, for the holy grail of equanimity and truth.
the 5 bedroom house in San Diego is muddling towards foreclosure if not outright bankruptcy, my wife and daughter comfortably ignoring the impending notices and dire warnings as they rent out the many rooms to down and outers whos idea of timely rent payments is measured in months behind. yet life springs eternal as actual employment of minimum wage jobs has started to return to their lives, with my daughters toy store clerking still bringing in top dollars as she works part time while going to the city college. then theres the old career, as in was, as in on hold/dead as i convalesce in obscurity on govt disability. next week the payments get cut in half and even this opulent trailer lifestyle may become too burdensome to continue. but there is no qualm in me, the descent from major breadwinner and family man to man in the man cave has been nothing if not eye opening and rapid. theres only the small trace of a burn out scorch mark left across the pavement as i surrendered my 1000 mile a week commute and hefty paycheck, for the rewards of austerity and reckless self destruction. i still cant quite figure what was the final reason, but it had something to do with the giant comet like meteor that screamed across the pine mountain night as i was setting off on one of my 250 mile daily commutes. In my mind just before the heavens opened up, there was a searing thought occupying my consciousness, what price this endless care taking, my aboriginal bush family, my far islander homestead clan, my mountain top devotees of the Mother all clung to my source of revenues and i the lonely ship steaming the trade channels of the black gang and office spaces. where was the truth in this, the light was going on as i contemplated the need to cure my dying body as the physical was following the mental into paralytic decline. should i finally go on leave and pursue health and wellness at the cost the unimaginable cost of letting everyone down, more and more it weighed and the crashing burn of the meteoric epiphany set the wheels in motion. and here was the truth writ large and unmistakable across the pristine 4am sky. no tealeaves no chicken blood or bones tossed, here was the heavens in an uproar to get my attention and unmistakable as it could be, i was only one of two people in the western night that surrendered upon that unearthly sign post of cosmic delight. I was gone from then, i had received my marching orders. i was on my way to a freedom i could not imagine. the idea of questioning, seeking, looking for a better situation, would soon be all too foreign to me.  100 days have passed since that early morning filled with wonder and magic. the religion of right and wrong has left with the band. theres only the empty seats and the streamers of ribbon and empty bottles to note the passing. what ive found in the interim, was passionate change and impassioned hamstrung mortality of spirit encased in the death suit of beliefs and duality. the aspiration cant be met by mere flesh and sinew clenching its morsel of dried meat and fractured bone. the mind rebels at freedom and quails at the loss of its myriad pillars of control and rightness. everything is doomed and no pleasure can be had that will cease the constant chatter of the terrified ego. suddenly, nothing is pure no silence empty, everything is the true chaos of chainsawed madness ripping through the tea garden of sanity. no pleasant tiptoe instead the tromping of jackboots through the parlor and the gunshots of unnecessary passengers in the train of unending horror. what next, the bank account, the house, even the children are fixed with deadly aim and a bone chilling dispassion for the outcome of these spontaneous actions. what remains is what is essential for the journey. the wool socks in winter, the shorts for hiking to relieve the tedious pulse of energetic constipation. the hat that never leaves the head to keep the sun from frying the eyes into charred black holes. a few powdered vegetable and fruit extracts and raisin bread peanut butter and canned soups. diet is done, health is completely secondary to the end game of unmet fear and pain. the teeth gnaw on lips and newly flourishing facial hair. the belly grows lean and the heart slows and then speeds ahead racing from the truth that ends all false notions of obligation and relationships. nothing seems to change as the big anchors are allowed to slip silently into the unending ocean of cares and woes we swim in. the revolutions of the sinkholes surrounding me increase and the sppinning begins to bring up a nausea of desires and ego chunks that putriy the atmosphere as the air becomes thicker and filled with polution from the minds constantly grinding brakes of uncontrolled resistance. it becomes impossible to know what to do where to find thee thing you thought was the point of all this, some kind of goal or meaning, its just destruction and chaos punctuated by the realization that this is what you do to make real the unreality that 60 years had created. and i know theres no 60 years left, this has to happen, this thing that has no meaning, the empty purpose, the intention to die. what makes the 100days bearable? constant frenzied change, continually upsetting yet in the center of it there is a satisfaction that what i have created so to can i let go in an orgy of self centered strength that i had always subjugated to the needs of others, others now learning to take over for themselves, however that might look like for them, its their lives now, no more the prideful and ego driven helping, just the letting go, letting their lives proceed as they should, not me but thy will be ever done and in my life let that start, the giving up the feeeling of thre divine hand making sense of the destruction and mayhem, somewhere the end of all that has been destroying me just as i had been creating my own liferaft. the sea is never calm and the storms are always from the north, ride the currents and fear the monsters until the course set by truth takes me where i need to be.