but not prettily. one affront too many, one soothing phone call, 3 weeks of complete subordination. The whole world unravels from one loose string. What use even trying to play this game. The truth is i, the littlest one, have had enough of this. The stupid dull repetitions, the food that is barely fuel, the no sleep, no home, no love scene that goes nowhere. the line in the gita says:
154 Your own path, even if devoid of apparent merits, is better than others that appear to you to be easy. It is better to face death while pursuing your own path than to follow another path, it may be fraught with danger.
well this path i am on with my brother absolutely does not seem easy, though the path with simran seemed much more difficult. What is My path? thats the real question what everyone asks me is all this writing? when they look to me they feel love. where am i but in love and communicating. i have reached the gate of self realization, next is merger. but what is that and how to proceed? definitely my brother will take me there or drop me off at the corner nearby, but the glassy eyed stares of the local survivors gives little evidence of life after merger. my brothers own personality seems bereft of anything but dazed amusement and commands required to live his regimented life of teaching fish to swim and going to starbucks. is that the end of ego? nothing to do but endless repetition and some form of teaching?Withering away seems as eventful. im not sure where i go with this. India seems like his idea of ego death, no starbucks for a million miles.It was his path and i never felt the pull. but then what am i in all this. what price such meager victory thats no mine, my ego's, but the one that takes me to my path, my version of this.Im going here to find out what it all means but it might mean ive gone the wrong way once i get there and then theres no way back. thats my worry, having gone, finding nothing and stuck with the booby prize. all the experiences i have are great but i rally notice how nothing changes. I'm the same after each one. sure less attached, less ego, but still all me and no god-like apparency.so thats a smoke screen, all these experiences i write about dont seem to get it and probably just give people the wrong idea. i need some more cosmic consciousness to be able to realize my cosmic destiny. its a catch 22 situation. you cant see where your going and by the time you can, you are there and it probably wont be what you thought it would be.In fact everyone who comes back guarantees it wont be. Im going to ask the gita for guidance:
The seeker who steadfastly worships me without thinking anything else, i secure for them whatever
they need and protect what they already have
This is very important for me.it is the promise and the practice. for i see this everyday, that those on the path completely and sincerely, with no home and no place to return to, they have what they need and are protected, as are the ones they have left behind in their haste to seek their devotion. This is a great comfort and assures the seeker of some Divine help and recognition. of course all is everything and anything that happens can be construed to be whatever you want, so such things have to resonate with your own innate nature and cannot be a declaration from outside.
I pause on my Journey and contemplate all disaster and good fortune. here am i, and all is being done but is this what is known as My Path? i guess this is my most pressing question as i reach the end of myself and my ability to discriminate. What is it in me that knows without a thought or a care whatever is coming, what to do. its not the ego but that precious being i am. and its only through myself i can know that and know He/I is watching over and knows perfectly what next i should do. so here i am, doing what is in front of me, missing my love beyond a doubt,and knowing that can never leave me not even if i am lost completely and come back an unknowing stick of wood. Even that will be nothing but wooden love expressing divine awareness.
I see myself before Bhagavan saying, give me the truth, if i am to do your/divines bidding then make no mistake, i need the truth of myself, of life, of All else i am useless even to this world and can do nothing but sit unmoving until death or truth finds me. He says stay two more years, and do what? what is it he is doing and what am i in that?
Such as it is, he says one thing to my brother, another to Simran, this time i will ask myself, and feel the force of what is true to me.If that is the truth and i feel that satisfies what is required, then i will do what needs to be done, but what i expect, simran will be there, he will be protecting her, all will be about her attainment as that is the key for this world and mothers mission here. The physical matter and unconsciousness. the realignment of the gunas, the survival of man on earth. I guess that has some importance, but not much to me. let it all go, that is my motto., burn everything, whatever is left, that is the truth, reality. Ash and cinders mostly and what am i still, just the human spirit, bodyless and free at last, to see what fools these mortals be.
No comments:
Post a Comment