the physical fear

the feeling your going to die, the massive vulnerability of death, all is lost and why. why go through the unending pain and suffering. no one wants it. it is the end, and there is no coming back. the life and love squeezed like toothpaste from a tube. once out can never be returned. that is all this to me. there is no false notion of there being some magical experience there. and i am done with the whole group participation thing, nothing could be further from the truth. my brother says truth sits atop love and for him maybe there is nothing to live for. he's been fairly gone for years, but my life is still too near and this time suffers me. what has gone before is nothing, this is everything and i fear the death of the body in the process. i leave alone i return without anyone, the sky is flames and the dirt under my feet trembles.