The sleep thing

is sort of an indicator. sure i meditate as much as most people sleep but unconsciousness is much less.One minute of real meditation, deep gone unravelled, is enough to refresh the body all day. But the meditations are healing me. Those parts that feel the separation, the amputations, the needful things. these are being bathed in the waters of forgetfulness, letting go. I'm not the doer of others lives, not the saviour, the rescuer, the sacrificer, the delayer of unmet karmas anymore.
thats what must come, that which i avoid. the inevitable downfalls that life awaits. Those moments approaching the final failure, where the legs buckle and at once i realize i'm not getting up. I'm not looking for any help here, just to be done, not the one to do anything, just accept and surrender.
thats what this whole play is, the ending of the ego, the realization of the totality required. Theres not one thing to hang onto. Nothing is in my control. If everything needs to be let go or taken then so be it. That is Divine will, for absolutely nothing was ever really mine. That was just the fantasy i spent my life protecting. That in the chaos, this bubble of order and safety was my doing, my responsibility, my duty. All service to Maya, all sacrifice to the wind, every drop of blood spilled on the sand. The cosmic comedy where everything perfected is illusion and only the blind cannot see. the king wears no clothes. Once the lights come up, its all props on the stage, stagehands scuffling, all the actors gone. And the scenery is all wood and canvas painted.Yet it was all so real, the dream, that wistful feeling that it was so wonderful for a little while, to believe it all. Such feelings and ardent desires, family dramas and terrifying possibilities. And the ending, so tragic yet meaningful as the family looks across the headstone to the sunsetting across the distant mountaintops.
the music ends, the lights come up and its time to leave, That part of make believe has been too long occupying my time.There is the real world to discover, the truth of who I am and why I create so much experience around it.
as long as the body is connected there are experiences. Here is the magical chariot, everything is in the body, the mind, the vital, connected, experiencing the force of I AM creating consciousness and experience, all the play of the field. Know the field, says the Gita. This is it. Separate from the tiny ego, know the truth of this creation. not the same playtoy to use to make an imaginary life, but the physical expression of the totality of being, the actualizing of the spirit, the awareness in matter.
The doer of miracles, the physical is so much more than the unchanging world humans hold onto. The work is to physicalize Awareness Consciousness, true self in every atom of existence. it is the doorway to truth in matter, the end of false dominion of obscurity in the creation. now i sound like Sri Aurobindo. the supramental energy that will vitalize, mentalize and bring psychic awareness to every cell of the body, and unlock the mechanism to bring the supramental light to matter. for all cells are one cell just as all beings are one being and just as all electrons are one giant wave of uncertain position and density.everything in the universe is connected and that Spiritual Union must exist in it all and all must realise its own divinity, its supreme oneness.
But not to get too far ahead of myself, bringing the divine into the body is the First Step.To realize you are the One Divine Being, at once everything Manifest and nothing Unmanifest. That Paradox of unknowable truth, to be AND not to be, how to bring that into what is and not just go crazy trying to figure it out.For the physical is the manifestation of that divine from the unmanifest source. It is Both, though we only experience the manifest aspect of existence.so it is through non-experience that the unmanifest is brought into the physical. That which is the unmanifested nature of the physical will resonate with the no action of non-experience. therefore - know emptiness to be complete. to fulfill the paradox of the Divine in human form. Know the void, the lack, the loss of human awareness. the closest we know of this is death, so that becomes the symbolic truth, the death of the self, to know this unknowable surrender.
what magic this, what wondrous beings we that can not be what we are even as we are that and are not that in the same instant.
Its not that we are false, just totally incomplete. As all and nothing, the queen and king must reside on the same throne and not be at war.The kingdom divided cannot stand. know thyself to be nothing as intended, not man, not god but the no god man.
What remains after you stop believing in it is reality. After nothing, what can remain, that is the question. And on this side of that divide, there is no answer, all seems lost. What is the end of all things? Our physical reality is the paradox. Between the electrons and protons is emptiness, vast unending non existence. everything we think is solid is actually emptiness with a tiny amount of organized matter, potentialized as the form you experience. You only are aware of the organized form, completely unaware of the surrounding nothing.So we interpret this as solid-real but the true reality is all emptiness, except for this mist, this fog of particles shifting from wave(energy) into particles(matter) and back again depending on the observer. Everything happens in this cloud, all the rest is pure emptiness without any potential or observation possible.
Is the cloud reality, the constantly shifting levels of potential energy and matter formulas for conversion and never being created or destroyed in its purest energetic nature, or is emptiness the truth. or can it somehow be all. For obviously both are true, can one exist without the other? thats beyond our knowledge, just recognizing that there are two states, manifest and unmanifest is enough for our tiny intellects. That is our dilemma To realize the lie of existence. that reality is the stuff dreams are made of. We are that dream that nothingness is having.and until everything in the dream wakes up, it will stay a dream
The evolution we speak of is waking from the dream of matter, the false truth dream of concrete that is cotton candy, and become the reality of Nothing matter. The integral yoga of Divine to Awake to the ultimate totality of being-nobeing awareness beyond that which is not, to the next state of realizing all nothing, so that transcendence disappears and the new UberBeing emerges.
Who what how when or never makes no difference. That I can think it means the possibility exists as does whatever result may or may not be.
Like i said, First things First. See the Cloud in the endless Nothing, nothing -cloud  cloud-nothing
end experience  - nothing
Human experience - Divine nothing
Human realizes Divine - ends experience
Perhaps what is seen as nothing, is really a dimension that cannot be experienced by any part of the human being. So we must lose our Cloudness to be able to enter that nothing dimension.Here at that gateway, all we are and know ends. Scary! and intriguing.
Is this death, or beyond even that. I think beyond - death, life, gunas all cloud stuff. We are emerging aliens, and evolution so beyond human we become unrecognizable. Someday we may come back and visit. The state of Beyondness - borderless being, no-experience - sings in my trembling belly. What language this that cannot express emptiness except as a negative, an unhuman event horizon where nothing returns from, the cloud disappears as we exit.
I sit on that edge, truly gripping the ledge, this is not nothing but no thingness and nothing is right. So right and wrong have to go to get there because we have no way to know what awaits.