pilgrims progression

whatever the reason, im here doing this life changing stuff, the change from unconscious to alive awake, fully aware with no delusions, well none that i can do without.and thats the part that gets hard, the stuff you think you cant do without, like health and some kind of security. ive seen people out there without those and its a challenge, a fright life, some kinda street life. ive been there and sick and homeless, dont want to go back in my golden years.HA! well whatever is coming its got to be the reason im doing this. i live in the arena of the intuitive, the mind stays quiet about action, there little it can do but make me feel unsure so ive long left its noise behind. whenever it starts yapping at me i have to be dog tired or drug addled to pay any attention. luckily now that im like lakshmi's little darling, things usually balance themselves out after i make the mistake of listening to that misguided part of myself.
my brother tells me i have nothing to do just write and let the awareness expand, like a helium balloon rising to the lower pressure heights of the stratosphere and bulging from the internal gas trying to expand until the final explosion. i wonder what that will look like. i imagine im going through a chrysalis event, the toad into a prince the komodo dragon into the mongolian warlord, the ugly duckling into the swan. somewhere in there is the death of me and the start of the new being, the old being the being that is always and i am its most fearsome foe, the ego driven apology for a life. i was telling my brother this morning that this isnt new for me, back in the 60s and 70s i was fully aware of the unreality of everything, i had seen through the wall of belief and structures and had lived the vagabond life of the hippie generation until after i washed up 3 years on Oahu and made a baby, and a wife and knew that coming back to the mainland would be a life of sacrifice and the end of truth. now, 28 years later, im back on the path, sure that i will recover everything and less,much less, because even as a young man, i was deluded by the music and  drugs and travel, being that i was in the center of that universe in Northern California and Santa Barbara, a poet and musician and man of many facets and lost in a life of self gratification and pleasure. nothing was going anywhere except through a series of unexpected events and of course relationships. everything happens to to those who have nothing to lose. i spent years on the road, commune to campout to oregon and washington until it seemed i had been everywhere and done all i wanted.thats when prakriti got me and the real life took me over. bringing me to a life of hard work, service and surrender that prepared me perfectly for this final run to the end of this process the immutable being transcending all.how do you do this is a mystery, i guess first you have to want it more that everything else in your life. thats  a given. nothing survives the pressure, the needles eye encircling all you are and nothing else. what is worth anything, whats to keep when nothing has any meaning. and thats where this goes, away from home and relationships and progress, into self denial and absurdity and loss. its not for everyone. most people just want to feel better less stress, more happiness, nothing more but they get caught up in the words of the guru, the requirements and all the talk of enlightenment, but theres a wicked road to that place, better the beads and mandalas on the wall, maybe a little spiritual tourism to shiva's temple, but the real deal,
thats best left to the professionals. enjoy the home and kids and family and toys. have a BBQ and football game party, have a few brews and lift one to me. i'll send you some postcards postmarked gone to india and not coming back.