i hate it

the doting looks, the flat unseeing stare of superiority taken for granted. like i'm some freakin plebe or boy scout looking for a merit badge. If anything, they are! Trapped in non-existence, non-feeling, rigid patterned lives, repeating endlessly the same daily rituals and seekings. I dont see any difference for them. The training by a mad hindu broke one and the other is actually loosing his mind and his feelings from staying months in India alone. the worst part is, both are better now then they used to be. I guess thats sort of proof of just how messed up we all are to start. Not as kids although thats where it begins, but as adults.the patterns we cling to, the dissociative behaviors that become our cross and campaign we wage against life.How we not live , not really love and say we did.Where is the caring and grieving that overtakes us even when we are trying to help others and even more accordingly ourselves.
The Overzealous. the compassion and control crowd, at least those that love the most, get to really live in that state. The rest are totally screwed, having not even the crumbs of connection, gleefully shitting on themselves and everyone around them, in order to prove their rightness, when anyone, even the most unconscious, can see how unliving they are. I know i have been self aware and in the world for 10 years. This new start, is the last step, not the first, where everyone else is saying its a long process, believe me, i have carried the cross and crucified that turkey. No part of the journey undone except allowing myself the freedom to integrate the awareness, surrender, devotion and come to merger. What that will take is a complete letting go of the last remnants of ego that still inhabit the body, In Habit - what a perfect description of the ego. We live In Habit witrhout realizing what we are doing. The truth is not something we dont know, its whats left sometimes its grief, or separation, but passive despair or depression cant get you there. You need anger or fear to drive the train and smash through the self erected barriers that decades of thoughtless patterns have created. You also have to actualize your system, be yourself fully. Actually live a life, no matter how.There has to be a truthfulness an authenticity of who you are, an acceptance that you deserve to live, no matter what that means or how many sins you must confess.A strong vital, mental, physical will carry you through the war. A weakness in any of these areas will require some special work, extra help to get out of your victim mode. You cant be a victim of life., a victim of the process, and succeed at becoming the master of your ego. You have to own who you are, take responsibility for your self, your actions, words and feelings, and be willing to change, to move, to re-work how you see the world at a moments requirement. Go beyond limitations until you dont notice thats its too much or too hard or I dont like this. All deal killers, all victim statements.
What is living the spiritual path? Just finding out the truth about life. It may not be in a book or a movie, it might just be some t-shirt slogan or decal on a bumper sticker that starts it, Shit Happens! NoFear, WTF!
All true, life is a mess when you think your the one in charge of making it happen. The scariest idea is that we aren't, in charge, some Other is running the show and we dont know who it is or what to do. Do nothing, dont stop, keep going, but recognize whats really happening. Who you are, why what you are means anything. outside of a very small circle, there is only the unknown and inexplicable uneasiness. How did i get here, is good. Parents, school, job, friends, security or none, addiction, destructive behaviors,unconscious fears, compulsions, medical disorders, mental instability... all seem widespread in the adult population, massive pharmaceutical consumption, self medicating behaviors, now even the kids need meds to keep them towing the line.
Where does it all end? When do you finally admit theres something going on that you dont understand and cant control.
Its why you are knocking, asking to be recognized, waiting to let someone take over.I let it go as a child, opened up to the connection, the psychic knowing,in my early adulthood, lived freely for a decade, lost it raising my kids loving my family more than myself, diving into addictions and self medicating,all while serving unselfishly and surrendering to the work, the flow of life.In my 40's i came back knowing I had to be myself and not a mindless meat machine.Diet exercise, career change, travel, responsibility, clairvoyant training, Love, Despair, dejection, alcoholism, surrender, grace stay with the feeling,meditation, silence, manifest the highest truth, Further, finally divine openings, loss of self, awareness, unending Revealing of what nothing means and recognition of myself as the truth, the Highest within All and staying in that, continually, feeling it grow beyond myself into the one divine self.
Knowing that all is the illusion, but all illusion is the revealing of the truth, work within and outside the paradox and be free from all unconsciousness and doership of all actions.Everything is done for us as we set our selves upon the path, nothing is needed except to move always in that direction. We need only realize that we are being guided and surrender to what is right in front of us at any time. That is the path, the light, the truth. all will be given to one who waits and endures calmly all things that come.
What part of this is not it, not the Ultimate reality. Its not some book that begins and ends, Everything is included as the deluded personalities still are worn by the all knowing absolute ancient Being. There is no high or low, more or less, on or off, just innumerable layers being uncovered, each thinner than the last, the light becoming brighter and brighter to the observer, but the light doesnt change, just the viewer, the observer, the light bearer.
Im seeing a lot of light and its not going away. I keep getting closer and im not blinded or scared or unsure or questioning. Its a straight shot for a well prepared system. Ready to do what it takes, integrated, surrendered and AWARE. all the attributes of one stepping off a cliff with nothing left to lose except who i was and the air is filled with light and my ears ring with an unheard humming and every instant seems forever