whatever is happening inside

this crazy world of stupid events and people are wearing me down. i go to india to get some hot revelation about enlightenment, some transformation of the celf but it seems to be just more of the same.people change their personality but the core self is just attenuated, more in the background. i dont see anyone actually transforming into something new. i have  a room reserved i hope in the southern city where Arunachala awaits. the throne of Shiva, the destroyer of untruth. thre i will sit and contemplate what is, and the rest can just go jump.theres a couple of small cafes nearby that serve us westerners, coffee toast and jam, even the dreaded eggs if we want. thats my idea of life, with a weak wireless signal, i can survive, check bills at home, get a very occasional e-mail and let the skin of my life slough onto the filthy streets. i dont think theres anyone else in the groups i've worked with been as focused on this process, the letting go and doing what needs to be done. tell the truth i havent seen much change anywhere, the folks from the great northwest are more open and in process, the boulderites, more intellectual in their pursuits, the washoe crew, just a bunch of goofy folks under the glow of the force, but no fundamental  change, still in the world as much as before. lots of talk about change but not much action.i dont think moving or changing jobs, or taking trips to india is really any different then thinking a few thoughts are. i can think about being different, but what am i, just a beingin a box. label maker, task doer, empty purpose maker. what changes? the word is merger somewhere ahead, but ive seen 2 people supposedly go through that, in my life, and both in the last 10 years, so what does that imply, low success rate, not a whole lot of transformation going on. im speaking from this side of the wall of course, maybe theres millions pouring in from some other wall, but i dont think so.