holy night sitting

awake, the ground looks frozen, patches of ice driven snow gripping hard to the normally sandy surface. the sky is a lead pancake, i cant feel anything but cold even though theres no sensation. the meditations are like the weather, all pervading, the nights are mostly sitting meditations, followed by 2-3 hours of sleep. i want to record my dreams, in fact i want everyone to record the super subjective interplay and then compare notes. are we all on a bus to nowhere? i think the view from the back seats is probably not much different from the drivers.emptiness punctuated by silence and stillness. sometimes the nothing is a relief sometimes its the main show, the full regalia of broken nightmares and singing and dancing, the fields are home to the wandering tribes, looking for a sign as the diesel bus with all its lights screams through the darkness. hang with it. i get so crazy sometimes. my brothers first wife is here now, next week his daughter from his 3rd marriage is moving back nearby with her man-boy husband, ultra marathoner. its old home week, but were splitting to boulder colorado in a couple of days. more bodies to stretch on the rack of awareness, seat in the iron maiden of austerity. the good thing is i think it might be a few degrees warmer there in the empty high country than it is here in the washoe freezer. whatever looks like truth is probably more wishful thinking. i spoke at length last night to the christian diva of disembodied spirits, the jesus christ manifestation of the lower astral realms, the fear is thick where the membrane thins. the lights of every anguished soul, stuck in the human aspiration, searches for her channel and strikes through the white wall, the unreasoning mask to reach their tormentors beyond, what price life and what meaning this psychic plumbing and electrical parts, reborn to sullen purpose and certain attainment of unending deliverance. this body the receiver for the forces of unspeakable desire, becomes a holy sepulcher for the spirit host inside. one small being, sheltering billions and billions of panicking entities. pray to the one god, the lord above and despair. what is come is given and in you the truth takes seed and delivers meaning where none was before. will this be the epitaph of your soul, lost in dreamless eternity with a potent night side romance with deaths sister, life everlasting without bodies or beings, entities of the purple waves lost again where nothing matters but the bleeding hearts and ravaged intellects of the night. i am the nightmare and the daybreak, the crucifixion and the resurrection. where christ stood are my footprints and the holy ghost is not coming to save you, but to destroy what remains.