whatever the pace

its not a contest or a race to the finish, its the daily grind. waking up with a stiff neck, an old body a new day, all combine making a whole experience one that doesnt quite sit like it used to. everything is old and new, i am not this but i know this, feel that, its familiar and disconnected, almost a nostalgic grace to be in the body but not of it. where i'm wearing out is a blessing since theres plenty of usage, what remains is stubborn and unrelenting. the early mornings, the words on the screen or paper, the silence of the mind as even these words come from nothing and go nowhere. how wonderful it is to be awake somewhere and not sleeping another 4 hours without any idea where, but lost in the purple phase of existence, the royal we dont know. i can see the puffiness on my face where the lesions are reddening and soon to turn into scabbed remains. i wonder who that is looking back and admiring the scars of a lifetime stretched over the experiences of a thousand. i have my daily ritual, the one i belabor others for, the unchanging constant, the battered remains of a life gone and now shell like hollow and rolling down the wind swept streets. no wonder we take refuge in a earthly habit one that affords some awareness that there was a life however small and meaningless, its habits endure nicely into the next life this body endures.

three days resting

the world doesnt hold back as you wait for tomorrow. it comes on like a bulldozer. doctor visit this morning, good BP but had 10 new skin lesions ripe for the freezing as dr demento came at me with a hissing outgassing grease gun and began to wildly fire frozen nitrogen at my face. i'm still feeling rung up, the lights spinning from the solid hits. my face a road map of pizza sores and pepperonis. the liver enlarged and the diverticulitis spreading soreness in my intestines. what a way to start the week. still no word from the LTD people and its getting past the due date. whatever i have created in this body is coming due. i feel everything physically now, the highest to lowest energies, the truth and the lies. all are part of me now and nothing is kept from the gates of flesh. i do what is needed to continue and dont dispute the tariff, what is needed i pay and keep moving, there is no end to the places i must go. each life a different ride each day a different me another thought of who i could become. i relax in the exceptional feeling that there is no one that i am and nothing to be. the self is just a liquid asset, moved past its prime rate into a defunct debenture, written off on the death and taxes statement i have prepared for just such a rainy day. one last road to tread to pick up my ride before i go to bed and tonight sleep with painful soreness and resign my life to the source of love and all that means for me. love is the only truth and life the road of unmet experiences.

on the move

i am in san fran, feeling love and expansive. the air is moist and foggy,the people a little wrapped and rough around the edges. the stores cluttered not well stocked and lit bright. its hard on to the holiday season, one im not partaking in, though i notice the elevated alcohol levels and the cheeriness of the disgruntled shoppers. the black friday crowds in reno were deliberate and manic, in sf probably more urbane and irritated. all the world is in love for me, theres a huge supply from being in the warmth of mothers heart and voice. on the plane of love all the way to the motherlode of love, india. 3 weeks until she returns,and im already in heaven just thinking of her. its the candlelight brigade for me. up at 2am trying to adjust the body to the 13.5 hr time difference. one minute of love is a lifetime redeemed. most humans would trade an appendage for that minute, i have been basking in it for my entire life. i think it was just being aware that all life was connected, all a part of the divine body, everything just another cell in the holy totality of god realized, christ consciousness for children, truth in the only way the self can know, i am that also. once the realization hit, like being in a swimming pool of love, everything became magical. anything was possible, nothing was real except i wanted it to be. sounds like childhood psychosis but it made a difficult childhood possible. everything was giving and helping, realizing the pain and suffering everyone was going through. it wasnt about me, i was already protected, centered in the divine being and awake,everyone was there but asleep and having a nightmare. i just tried to help make them comfortable until they woke and could see the light. i guess thats the truth of me, gods little helper, since i saw his being in everyone and offered whatever i could to him. it was easy with my family, to see the light within, they were all close to it, we all shared some divine destiny. until now i thought following my brother was my destiny, but suddenly i see the truth,its not him or anyone, its me, my love and devotion that is the only way, all others are incomplete and while helpful, are not the truth of love and perfect realization, that we are the very host of god, he is our guest and ourselves realized always and he is here to share as much as we can give. like all guests the opportunity is there to make them a permanent part of our lives, to make this home their home and no more theirs or ours but we are family and one with the light that i see everywhere. i see now its not about evolving but forgetting, forgetting everything thats gotten in the way of that one perfect moment when i swam in the holy body, the unending truth and love of being one with the truth as all are and all will forever be. everything since has been a return to that, a partial return, a temporary letting go, only to pull the hood of reality back over my eyes, partial blinding, unwilling to give up the little world i had, thought i had. now i see the full picture, the truth of being and not knowing, that which is the reality beyond thought, that which we live in, the very air we breathe and earth we touch, that is the rock hard reality of god-love-truth all one always being in perfect harmony eternally present.

2:30 am

moving to india time where my love now has landed, in a taxi bound for tiruvanammali. 13.5 hours later. its 4am there. What am i doing? going halfway around the world to see her. to follow my brother? his aim is some kind of liberation for me, but it looks odd. Its like his personality  determines the form of the final state. sure he's got force and thats unusual enough. the rest everyone tolerates. Then there is geo who is just lost since the change though not the crazy lost he was before.I just want to get through this thing. the other side of consciousness, where does it go? even in my teens i wanted to know- what is this shared state of awareness, this behind the eyeballs light that i could see when i looked deep. and who was this quiet self unthinking being in me that wanted to help everyone, connect to everyone and be loved? everywhere i went i just wanted to be that, not someone for myself but someone giving to and helping others. It seems now that its not considered ok to love and respect.I dont know where to go with that, except to ignore it. i can do the ego death thing and still be connected to what is true, its the only reason we exist. the being has the power to end everything, stop the game, but does not. And thats because the game is love. ascend as you are, come to the core of the being, and know supreme love for all the creation, the children, the world of truth is all love and can be whatever love can create. Without that, the game ends. Some of us have been there all our lives, most dont find this out until after they are reborn,or die.

the ego cracks like an egg

but not prettily. one affront too many, one soothing phone call, 3 weeks of complete subordination. The whole world unravels from one loose string. What use even trying to play this game. The truth is i, the littlest one, have had enough of this. The stupid dull repetitions, the food that is barely fuel, the no sleep, no home, no love scene that goes nowhere. the line in the gita says:
154 Your own path, even if devoid of apparent merits, is better than others that appear to you to be easy. It is better to face death while pursuing your own path than to follow another path, it may be fraught with danger.
well this path i am on with my brother absolutely does not seem easy, though the path with simran seemed much more difficult. What is My path? thats the real question what everyone asks me is all this writing? when they look to me they feel love. where am i but in love and communicating. i have reached the gate of self realization, next is merger. but what is that and how to proceed? definitely my brother will take me there or drop me off at the corner nearby, but the glassy eyed stares of the local survivors gives little evidence of life after merger. my brothers own personality seems bereft of anything but dazed amusement and commands required to live his regimented life of teaching fish to swim and going to starbucks. is that the end of ego? nothing to do but endless repetition and some form of teaching?Withering away seems as eventful. im not sure where i go with this. India seems like his idea of ego death, no starbucks for a million miles.It was his path and i never felt the pull. but then what am i in all this. what price such meager victory thats no mine, my ego's, but the one that takes me to my path, my version of this.Im going here to find out what it all means but it might mean ive gone the wrong way once i get there and then theres no way back. thats my worry, having gone, finding nothing and stuck with the booby prize. all the experiences i have are great but i rally notice how nothing changes. I'm the same after each one. sure less attached, less ego, but still all me and no god-like apparency.so thats a smoke screen, all these experiences i write about dont seem to get it and probably just give people the wrong idea. i need some more cosmic consciousness to be able to realize my cosmic destiny. its a catch 22 situation. you cant see where your going and by the time you can, you are there and it probably wont be what you thought it would be.In fact everyone who comes back guarantees it wont be. Im going to ask the gita for guidance:
        The seeker who steadfastly worships me without thinking anything else, i secure for them whatever
         they need and protect what they already have
This is very important for me.it is the promise and the practice. for i see this everyday, that those on the path completely and sincerely, with no home and no place to return to, they have what they need and are protected, as are the ones they have left behind in their haste to seek their devotion. This is a great comfort and assures the seeker of some Divine help and recognition. of course all is everything and anything that happens can be construed to be whatever you want, so such things have to resonate with your own innate nature and cannot be a declaration from outside.
I pause on my Journey and contemplate all disaster and good fortune. here am i, and all is being done but is this what is known as My Path? i guess this is my most pressing question as i reach the end of myself and my ability to discriminate. What is it in me that knows without a thought or a care whatever is coming, what to do. its not the ego but that precious being i am. and its only through myself i can know that and know He/I is watching over and knows perfectly what next i should do. so here i am, doing what is in front of me, missing my love beyond a doubt,and knowing that can never leave me not even if i am lost completely and come back an unknowing stick of wood. Even that will be nothing but wooden love expressing divine awareness.
I see myself before Bhagavan saying, give me the truth, if i am to do your/divines bidding then make no mistake, i need the truth of myself, of life, of All else i am useless even to this world and can do nothing but sit unmoving until death or truth finds me. He says stay two more years, and do what? what is it he is doing and what am i in that?
Such as it is, he says one thing to my brother, another to Simran, this time i will ask myself, and feel the force of what is true to me.If that is the truth and i feel that satisfies what is required, then i will do what needs to be done, but what i expect, simran will be there, he will be protecting her, all will be about her attainment as that is the key for this world and mothers mission here. The physical matter and unconsciousness. the realignment of the gunas, the survival of man on earth. I guess that has some importance, but not much to me. let it all go, that is my motto., burn everything, whatever is left, that is the truth, reality. Ash and cinders mostly and what am i still, just the human spirit, bodyless and free at last, to see what fools these mortals be.

the physical fear

the feeling your going to die, the massive vulnerability of death, all is lost and why. why go through the unending pain and suffering. no one wants it. it is the end, and there is no coming back. the life and love squeezed like toothpaste from a tube. once out can never be returned. that is all this to me. there is no false notion of there being some magical experience there. and i am done with the whole group participation thing, nothing could be further from the truth. my brother says truth sits atop love and for him maybe there is nothing to live for. he's been fairly gone for years, but my life is still too near and this time suffers me. what has gone before is nothing, this is everything and i fear the death of the body in the process. i leave alone i return without anyone, the sky is flames and the dirt under my feet trembles.

whatever is happening inside

this crazy world of stupid events and people are wearing me down. i go to india to get some hot revelation about enlightenment, some transformation of the celf but it seems to be just more of the same.people change their personality but the core self is just attenuated, more in the background. i dont see anyone actually transforming into something new. i have  a room reserved i hope in the southern city where Arunachala awaits. the throne of Shiva, the destroyer of untruth. thre i will sit and contemplate what is, and the rest can just go jump.theres a couple of small cafes nearby that serve us westerners, coffee toast and jam, even the dreaded eggs if we want. thats my idea of life, with a weak wireless signal, i can survive, check bills at home, get a very occasional e-mail and let the skin of my life slough onto the filthy streets. i dont think theres anyone else in the groups i've worked with been as focused on this process, the letting go and doing what needs to be done. tell the truth i havent seen much change anywhere, the folks from the great northwest are more open and in process, the boulderites, more intellectual in their pursuits, the washoe crew, just a bunch of goofy folks under the glow of the force, but no fundamental  change, still in the world as much as before. lots of talk about change but not much action.i dont think moving or changing jobs, or taking trips to india is really any different then thinking a few thoughts are. i can think about being different, but what am i, just a beingin a box. label maker, task doer, empty purpose maker. what changes? the word is merger somewhere ahead, but ive seen 2 people supposedly go through that, in my life, and both in the last 10 years, so what does that imply, low success rate, not a whole lot of transformation going on. im speaking from this side of the wall of course, maybe theres millions pouring in from some other wall, but i dont think so.

when beginning this quest

leave all valuables, all reasonableness, any discomfiture, sense of belonging, relationships or orders of magnitude where you found them. they will only inhibit your ability to find whats hidden. its not amongst those belongings or in some distant place or time. it continues even as you end. let nothing be your guide and strike without question through the place least considered, where everything is given up and all hope cast to the wind. there is the only clue that you have, where you are the least is where it takes residence, expand what you are not and all will be revealed. Your greatest victory is your utter defeat and nothing holds the key to the empty prize. No lock or door exists, no map, no guide but the lack of them can hasten the journey. Whatever you are looking for is not what can be found.

make it my day

that me that needs
wants attention
never gets what it wants
is always ignored
works so hard
does everything
never complains
deserves a break
could use a rest
doesnt feel so good
has a lot on its mind
cant get ahead
doesnt want to do this
is so uncomfortable
thinks its going to die
make it that day
the last day of me

I wouldn't ask

for something i didn't want. Sure, i know people do it all the time. Some gaudy bauble or tricked up goody becomes the reason for existing. This isn't like that. The hotel room in town, instead of out in the boonies in a shared room, out by the rice paddies.Thats worth asking for. Maybe the universe is listening and hearing myself. Just like the grace to accept who i am without fully knowing, just what that requires. Doing what is in front of me, not hiding from the necessity of change.
After a lifetime of doing, its time to let a higher order of the natural self take over.That enigmatic growth regulator that brings on energetic puberty in this physical being, allowing me to experience  a more expanded awareness of the self-being connection-flow-nature. my body talk and mind speak go silent, the unheard dimensions of the psychic open and listens to the universal forces at work everywhere in me. Theres no more little me-Big World. Its all me, the cosmos of knowing. Where i am is the focus of the unlimited energy being expressed as my consciousness. I am the universe breathing and knowing and loving every thing. The membrane of the small self is ripped away and all the glory of existence is my new home.
No longer the perceiver, the perceived and the process of perceiving, One only remains and all sense of separation has disappeared with the change.
I experience the integration going on, experiencing lingering notions of i-self. the molecular matrix still exists and each cell has its role to play and still experiences the membrane and mitochondriatic functions.
I exist as a particle in the wave of all becoming, the organizing principle of potential in the endless ocean of energetic consciousness. All occurs simultaneously without the interruption of time or space. What can there be before or after within the openess, the unending being realized, known, become. the truth is never changed or created. It is eternally now and only the illusion shifts as billions of modes of perception spring into awareness, absorbing consciousness, detaching themselves from everything reducing to bite size pieces, bits and bytes of perception,the unalterable totality of truth-awareness-contraction-expansion-destruction-emergence-creation -everything and nothing, All within, All at once, Unsegregated, undivided, beyond question. what knoweth man within his skin suit and mind slice of life?
the part that confuses is experience. there is no direct experience of totality. Experience requires a field upon which to base its reaction, for all experience is a reaction of the i.There has to be a negative to know the positive, duality generates the experiential field. This allows the EX part of experience to EX-ist, the out of meaning of the term.
Ex-Per-I-Ence - other see me ness, i see other ness. the out of self perceives the self through the self. In totality there is no other, experience disappears. Pure awareness exists without an observer or the observed or the act of observing. Other cannot exist.
Explaining takes Experience so I have to create a separate self to both experience and explain what happens. But who is being explained to and why would that happen?
All includes everything and that sense of separation is somewhere in the process, though not the totality. The continuum of becoming the totality has no beginning or end. The self swallowing Worm of Osboros never starts or ends but functions as an entirety of the process. We sit upon the scales and cut up the pieces we are given and call that life. At some point the scales fall away and nothing can be judged anymore on the tiny scales of discrimination.
I see the only, the nothing-everything dissolve with my knowing becoming. That which has been, becomes and what bright light and wonder i am.

I know I'm exposing myself in public

and it would probably be very embarrassing if I cared even a little bit. I guess I would like it if someone actually read all this crap, but really, I dont care. I'm just writing for me. This is just a reality check. Is there any reality in here? No more than anywhere else. Im not sure actually, so i just let whatever the human bio-computer wants to say get said.
The words dont matter. Sometimes they have a theme, an organized concept. Other times, its just the way the room is decorated, you know, curtains, colors, furniture arrangements. I mean really, unless its so unbelievable, its shocking, then who gives a shit? Its all been said a million times before, and the truth is, no one is listening to anything except those voices in their heads. The Oh So rare person who acts like they care what you say, is actually just running their game to get you to pay attention to them.
We are all self centered solitary beings that can hardly believe we actually exist, let alone believe theres some other out there, just like us but totally not interested in us either.
Where does that come from? Infinite Space - Room for Everyone to have their Own Universe.
One thing I know is i'm creating all of this. All the parts I touch are in my universe. Theres a collective universe where we can all share pieces and over that is some Universal Universe where all the little Universes exist. But here in this Universe its all me, in my head with my magic making everything happen. No one else is here, allowed or even exists except I create them. So what matter life - thats just the field of play, the setup, the white board, the program environment.Theres a handy tool kit available on the toolbar, but its not required, plenty of drawing space and freedom for free form ideas. Its just easier to use the defaults for all the standard stuff, so we kind of get stuck in this dimensional mindset.
Once in a while, someone steps off the board and gets a glimpse of the stuff off the edge. Thats a nasty shock. The universe is a computer, some master program that just spawns and spams more copies of itself, a self replicating virus on the unknowable Cosmical Internet. Each of us is an infected system and we love playing the universe game. Eventually though, it gets old and we want out. So how to kill the virus? You have to follow the stream it comes in on back to the source, the unending transport protocol of the ever expanding universal cosmosive awareness connection we are all plugged into. When we find the source of the program, the mother server, you unplug from the sources source. Then emerge into unprogrammed Cosmology, where nothing is, the final final frontier, where who you are doesnt compute,. No connection, no keyboard or pad, no screen or holodeck.
It's a lot to absorb, so take a few, have a smoke or a decaf latte, a quick pull on the gin bottle, whatever you've programmed your Avatar to use to help it handle input from an alien awareness.
Make no mistake, you are a figment of your imagination, everything in your world is being created by your bio-computer brain running the Universal universe virus program. Once you can unplug from the source, the universe ends, the board goes blank as an etch-a-sketch on a vibrator, and the game is over. all the electrons go back to some passive potential and waits for the next player to start.
Its great fun but its just that simple, if you can call self parody funny, its a good laugh, dinner and a show at the comedy club. Otherwise its theater in the round and a night of Othello. Whatever!
You probably didnt read this far, so Never Mind! The new season on tv is starting.

Colorado, what can I say

Being here is like being anywhere, just different furniture and appliances. I guess the terrain is variable, all flat in three directions, the Rockies in the other. All towns and cities are the same. Enclaves of the dispossessed, the seekers of security, the believers of the dream of separate self. Anthills of endless activity. Interactions of millions of worried minds, trying to distract themselves, some very effectively, others not so much.
The reality is the emptiness of the center, that false sense of self, what am i, who am i, why am i???
That is what is always trying to be covered up, but no matter what you put over it, the hole in the center remains. In fact in most cases, it gets bigger as time goes on and requires more and more to keep it hidden, to cover up the questioning voice and widening hole.
But this personal black hole wont stay covered, it keeps eating whats on top of it and wont stop growing until it devours everything you have tried to stop it with. What you are covering up is the truth of who you are. Its not that guy trying to cover up the truth, that ego guy doing everything except what needs to be done. Investigating the hole at the middle of everything you thought you were. because its all useless, until you experience the truth of what you are. Nothing means anything until you know this. Its what makes everything clear, the horizon that separates night from day. The one thing that isn't outside of you, that is always there and guides unerringly the true voyage of your life. Not all the outside distractions from the mass of misguided egos that surround you now, that sense that you dont know, cant pretend anymore, dont feel it, go in ten directions at once, listening to a bunch of different voices in your head, cant tell whats right. all hole avoidance. That hole may look empty, but its really the Source of who you are. Its not the stuff, the result, the thoughts, words feelings. Its the true source from which all authentic self flows. Thats the you that you have always been, but have been covering up.The one the body was connected to at birth, that knew how to grow you and learn you. The same one you grew up with, that always knew you. The one that the parents, teachers, job, life responsibilties took away. The one thats not attached to any of that. The real you, without all the baggage added.
Uncover the hole and say Hi! Its been a long time and I'm sure you have a lot to talk about with yourself.

Grounding

connecting the human energy system to a larger mass that can absorb and recycle the excess energies, negative energies and provide a stable base to do energy work from. The human energy field is a luminous egg floating in the universal energy currents like a life raft on the ocean. It dives and lifts and turns and plunges as any weightless thing would. All this is conducive to some kind of psychic motion sickness. Basically without grounding, like an anchor or a dock to tie to, our little raft is adrift. push one way and  it just floats the other way.It hard to get any leverage to move or stay centered.
Grounding is the key. Connect a golden cord from your first chakra, down there where the lord split ya, to the center of the earth. It OK,theres a place there just for you. Its a giant block of stone with a ring set in it with your name chiseled right on it. Just hook that golden cord into the ring and let it attach itself. Theres like a perfect match of that ring set in stone and your grounding cord. Once that is done, you have the perfect means to dispose of all those troublesome thoughts, feelings and energies that make your system feel like its plagued by gremlins, or maybe even worse. Send them down your grounding cord to the center of the earth where they will be converted to pure energy and released harmlessly. You'll notice a peaceful settling through your being as they are eliminated. Grounding can be done anywhere anytime, in just a few seconds once you've practiced it a few times.
Just close your eyes and imagine it. The golden cord attached to your 1st chakra, down through the earth below, connecting to that ring set in stone with your name on it at the center of the earth.Then just let go of everything you want out of your life and send it down your own personal grounding cord.

For me

its not because
yes is indicated or
no is an option
its that the flow is
taking me where
I need to be
my mind could never
do this so i have
had to learn that
I'm sitting in the river
and it pretty much goes in one direction
to the ocean
once i get there
it wont be as simple
to get somewhere

direction has never been the issue

for me, just go and the universe will show the way. Sure, i've ended up in the bushes a few times, no discernable path available. Thats when i make my own, usually to some high ground so i can see the lay of the land, sometimes just back the way i came. What ever seemed right to me. But the vast majority has been acknowledgeable. So much so that i dont question it anymore. Sometimes i ask, sometimes i curse, all times i go where i'm towed. Self will doesnt get me there. Self will says yes or no. It cant choose a new map or a new way to measure time, and time decides everything. the body is the clock, it knows what time the body has  and it sets the alarms. I dont choose to get up at 3:30am. I dont choose when i leave this body, not in the sense of knowing when. The body clock doesnt have LED display or mickey mouse gloved hands, its more meaty and filled with blood and muscle and connected to a vital center that controls all life. And that pulsing Universal Heart has my attention. It tells me everyday is precious and all my concerns mean nothing. The Universal lives Me, not me, the inhabitor of this form. I'm just the caretaker, the housekeeper, making sure everything is working, clean, ready to go. When its all happening, sure, sometimes it feels like i'm in the drivers seat, but when i open my eyes, theres no steering wheel or pedals, just a giant window to a world thats coming at me relentlessly and my squeaky panic could never get me to where i need to go. If i even knew where that was. I'm just a passenger. One of Billions, all being directed for purposes beyond my knowing every second of the totality of existence. Each destined to make this journey as soon as they can figure out, who's driving the bus. Directionless motion, unanticipated events, unquestioned direction. Be alert, watch the movie, there are lots of clues and handy tips on whats going to happen next.
the World has a plan for me, The Universe has a plan for the world and some greater intelligence has the universe well in hand. So I dont try to get ahead of it. All the stuff in my life that i thought i was managing, i had to let go. it was obvious, it was managing me and not like the Universal intelligence, more like the Drill Sargent trying to pound the reality of combat into a childs mentality. Well , i get it now. Stay down, cover your ass, and wait for orders. Thats the plan and i'm sticking to it.
I am on the battlefield, thats a certainty. My soul is the prize of victory or defeat. The enemy is resistance from any source, my allies are awareness and a linkup to command center. Some universal connection that tells me if i'm getting closer or further away from where i should be., which is always as close to the front lines as i can get.just sitting in a hole wont get it as the enemy continuously attacks anything thats not in  motion, especially away from them. i cant discriminate who or what i have to kill to keep moving forward. Its been a bloodbath and theres no sign it going to end anytime soon. even my CO, the latest 90 day wonder, the second lieutenant sent up last month, may be next, certainly all the aides de camp are in my sights. Innocent bystanders, all collateral damage to this battle for existence, to be, really be once and for all.

if everything

only persisted
for five minutes
what would happen
no more holding on
quickly realize
the nature of existence
to let go continuously
and eat quickly

i stare at the dot

in the middle of nothing
filled with free floating anxiety
Everything is just amorphous blobs
without substance or support
and i am one of those blobs
edgeless, shapeless, unrealized
appearing and disappearing
on the edge of awareness
its not me sensing this
its something that I know
but its not me
i wonder when the dot goes away
and when it does
where will i be
where is here
shivering in the opening

where does it all go?

the trek, the mesmerizing experiences, the enlightened Awareness, the pulsing Orb of All. in the middle it looks like rings around a giant gas ball floating in emptiness. Beautiful! but from a larger perspective, insignificant.All knowing, seeing, feeling being, all are some thing, there is only nothing beyond. Giving up all for that, for one empty bag of nothing seems unfair. Whats so mature or true or meaningful about that. The door only opens one way - out - beyond experience and all the good stuff. Outside - the unknown and seemingly useless other no-stuffs.
Those that return never touch all the way down. They seem to look askance at all this mud dwelling and filth we seem to have become to them. They warn of the danger of remaining in this lower state.
I feel like im heading out like a private in the army heading to Omaha beach, seeing my body floating in 4 feet of water, bleeding uselessly, another extra in the movie of life, and for what? That taste of the last lucky strike, the last kiss of some hooker, a hale and hearty bon voyage from mom and dad and sis?
the other side looks like a graveyard from here, Boot Hill, Tombstone, The OK Corral and im on the wrong side.I'm still thinking maybe Jed Clampett and the texas tea party - ole Jeds a millionaire, moving to Beverly Hills.
Thats me looking at this side of the coin, the shiny side with all the engravings where it says in god we trust and has a value stamped right on it. That other side, the empty faced building, the flip side the b-side, Where's the Love?
I'm not avoiding, just having the last reasonable conversation with myself, the facts stated as i see them and checking my reality quotion on the Bullshit meter. Whats on this side of the page, the one with everything, versus that blank on the other side.
Is truth that restrictive, no room for resistance, no place for all the rest of existence, just that chunk of no other, wouldn't that mean ALL ONE not ALL NONE. everything AND nothing, not just one or the other, just not other period.
I'm not other, in this, All of it. I awake in me and everything is as i created it. This moment is now and i am here pulsing with aliveness. All things are mine and nothing is everywhere. What I AM is not me and what is not me I AM. Let this Be Always, the never ending emptiness filled but never done, devoured at the end of time, but never destroyed in the eternal nothing of I.

that light

that fills everything
inside and surrounding
even the smallest cells
the follicles of my hair
the pores of my skin
my blood vessels
muscle, nerve, organ, gland
the mind thats thinking stops
as the light envelopes from within
and the energy\
from the bottom of the universe
flows up the opened channels
of the body
from the first chakra to the seventh
bottom to top
unending force and light
pulsing through me
radiating outward everywhere
endlessly

the flaw in reality

is credibility. the evaporative sense that nothing is real, dissolves everything. You are driving. Everything is as it should be, motor running, freeway clear, lights on. Suddenly nothing is familiar, you dont know where you are, all landmarks gone. Panic, unease, anxiety, fear pounces on your previously sane self.
As if you already prepared to deal with this. Its high on your internal safety checklist, Reality Slippage - emergency response team Code Red!
Stop the slipping - sand bags filled with reassurances, pattern recognition, visual referencing, but something inside is hearing the Twilight Zone theme song. suddenly Alien Abductions, cow mutilations The matrix all seem tame by comparison.
In seconds its over. The spinning stops, that feeling of falling through the scenery, but thats just the truth of reality - we just inhabit this sensory world. We habituate our mind to interpret sensations in a pattern of organization. We prioritize the sequencing so our mind can fill in the pattern, we see an outline and fill in the details. It doesnt take much, a shadow, a blur becomes a threat or an old friend you havent thought about in ages, then disappears into a crowd of objects and unfamiliar faces.
What is real? What do we think when we see something that doesnt fit our programming, our memories. Its rejected, its dangerous, it becomes a gun or a knife in the hand, a plane crashing into a building. It becomes something else. All are programmed responses to protect our concept of reality.
But nothing is real. The world exists separate from our experiences of it. We have only our five senses to capture the reflections the outlines of what is beyond us.What the senses experience isn't Real, its a learned response to stimuli from an unknown source.when we start to talk about a 6th sense, some kind of unfelt connection to the outer world, we all start thinking about death, and whats real about that? Why do we make death so unreal. Its not part of the sensory experience, its the opposite, the end of responses.Its not explained, like dreams and the lovely nightmares we wake up screaming from. And then the madness of the visionaries and the subtlest coincidences of everyday life create unnerving anxiety.picture red shoes in a crowd of children and a marionette show at the park after dark. Who can say why or when but each of us has a totally different picture of what that incomplete description is.
we remember something similar,a picture seen in grammar school, we make assumptions based on past experiences. we are looking at a group of people, some familiar some not.our reactions vary our idea of whats going on is completely different from another person right next to us. we are never actually present with what is really going on in the moment, we are searching for clues and matching them to our memories and feelings stored deep in the unconscious.
Missing whats Real, or passes for Real while we create some personal inner drama, some hidden version of what we think is real, what we think of what we experienced.
Is it Real or is it Memory? its memory. there is no real, just organized habituated responses based on memorized pattern behavior. Sensory manipulation and expectation. Even with Hyper-Vigilance we really cant imagine what is going on from moment to moment.
You are engrossed in a task, maybe cooking. Someone enters the room silently behind you, moves things, then leaves. you turn around and everything is wrong. Your mind stops, trying to process the impossible truth. Things have moved themselves. Your upset, threatened, confused, doubting yourself. Anything except able to fit what happened into your pattern expectation. Losing something, your keys, the remote, your precious wallet or purse. Everything goes into panic mode. No memories found, or the unbelievable wrong memory, its not where you left it you think. Impossible, does not compute, but you were there when it happened and now its gone. Your losing it! An explanation is required but none can be given, Even aliens or invisible elves are acceptable if you can shoe horn them into your belief system.
Nothing is Real. the world is made up of reflected electrical impulses in your brain. What you experience is a kind of deluded madness of uninterrupted dreaming, a sensory bath filled with unaltered states.
After a while the brain begins to get tired, wears out, the patterns fade and finally it all stops. You go to sleep, rest in a less demanding state of internal creation, not having to organize unending sensory signals for a few hours. But the dreams come from the same place and without any of the landmarks of the senses.then you wake to the bath of sensations and stimuli, back to the work endlessly repeating, until it does end completely, the machine breaks or wears out and there is nothing, until a new machine is assigned...TO WHO?
who gets the assignment, what personality remains when the computer is turned off? what pulse of existence holds the pattern of who we were and what we did. somewhere on some distant server a few highlights might have been recorded, but now its a new computer, new software, new language, new life new pattern recognition startup program. You are gone, revitalized as a new awareness in the machine but without memories. you are Random Access Memory. when the power goes off, you are lost forever. but the connection that flows to each computer, each machine, each with its own inhabitant, that continues forever, follow it to its source, feel the emanations from the other machines, in your world, thats the only enduring reality, the connection, the all pervading bandwidth that carries unending streams of life giving information and energy, that has no windows no senses just the ultimate knowledge and power for all your repeating realities.
Find the source in you, before the lights go out.

dualism, the truth

of something has to include its dualistic counterpart. The truth of being wet is you have to be dry to experience it. The truth of life is you have to die in order to experience it. lose it all to gain it all.
what is existence without nothing? How can we know nothing? experience that emptiness, void, loss, lack.
We perceive we have a body, an experiential knowing, but without that what do we experience or know? Its not nothing, but something missing, anxiety, fear. Who experiences that?
the nature of self, ego is organization, identification and prioritization. Its a great secretary.with out her we are just a collection of sensations, disorganized, lost and meaningless. when sensations end, then what?
Falling, endlessly through empty space without any reference points. eventually the sensation of falling ends and there is just a pool of undifferentiated emptiness.
nothing emerges, unidentified unknowing, that is the truth of existence, the nothing that makes all so real.So much for the dualistic nature of existence.
Beyond Dualism  beyond the referencing/non identification and resistance/falling paradigms of existence
all paradox of existence/non-being is let go
non referencing awareness is both and none
All knowing and knowing Nothing
In the middle of the dualistic empire
the supreme idiot that knows all
and cares about none of it
All knowledge is useless without Knowing Nothing
All truth is false realised
what persists beyond knowing is unknowable
what we are doesn't exist until we aren't

i hate it

the doting looks, the flat unseeing stare of superiority taken for granted. like i'm some freakin plebe or boy scout looking for a merit badge. If anything, they are! Trapped in non-existence, non-feeling, rigid patterned lives, repeating endlessly the same daily rituals and seekings. I dont see any difference for them. The training by a mad hindu broke one and the other is actually loosing his mind and his feelings from staying months in India alone. the worst part is, both are better now then they used to be. I guess thats sort of proof of just how messed up we all are to start. Not as kids although thats where it begins, but as adults.the patterns we cling to, the dissociative behaviors that become our cross and campaign we wage against life.How we not live , not really love and say we did.Where is the caring and grieving that overtakes us even when we are trying to help others and even more accordingly ourselves.
The Overzealous. the compassion and control crowd, at least those that love the most, get to really live in that state. The rest are totally screwed, having not even the crumbs of connection, gleefully shitting on themselves and everyone around them, in order to prove their rightness, when anyone, even the most unconscious, can see how unliving they are. I know i have been self aware and in the world for 10 years. This new start, is the last step, not the first, where everyone else is saying its a long process, believe me, i have carried the cross and crucified that turkey. No part of the journey undone except allowing myself the freedom to integrate the awareness, surrender, devotion and come to merger. What that will take is a complete letting go of the last remnants of ego that still inhabit the body, In Habit - what a perfect description of the ego. We live In Habit witrhout realizing what we are doing. The truth is not something we dont know, its whats left sometimes its grief, or separation, but passive despair or depression cant get you there. You need anger or fear to drive the train and smash through the self erected barriers that decades of thoughtless patterns have created. You also have to actualize your system, be yourself fully. Actually live a life, no matter how.There has to be a truthfulness an authenticity of who you are, an acceptance that you deserve to live, no matter what that means or how many sins you must confess.A strong vital, mental, physical will carry you through the war. A weakness in any of these areas will require some special work, extra help to get out of your victim mode. You cant be a victim of life., a victim of the process, and succeed at becoming the master of your ego. You have to own who you are, take responsibility for your self, your actions, words and feelings, and be willing to change, to move, to re-work how you see the world at a moments requirement. Go beyond limitations until you dont notice thats its too much or too hard or I dont like this. All deal killers, all victim statements.
What is living the spiritual path? Just finding out the truth about life. It may not be in a book or a movie, it might just be some t-shirt slogan or decal on a bumper sticker that starts it, Shit Happens! NoFear, WTF!
All true, life is a mess when you think your the one in charge of making it happen. The scariest idea is that we aren't, in charge, some Other is running the show and we dont know who it is or what to do. Do nothing, dont stop, keep going, but recognize whats really happening. Who you are, why what you are means anything. outside of a very small circle, there is only the unknown and inexplicable uneasiness. How did i get here, is good. Parents, school, job, friends, security or none, addiction, destructive behaviors,unconscious fears, compulsions, medical disorders, mental instability... all seem widespread in the adult population, massive pharmaceutical consumption, self medicating behaviors, now even the kids need meds to keep them towing the line.
Where does it all end? When do you finally admit theres something going on that you dont understand and cant control.
Its why you are knocking, asking to be recognized, waiting to let someone take over.I let it go as a child, opened up to the connection, the psychic knowing,in my early adulthood, lived freely for a decade, lost it raising my kids loving my family more than myself, diving into addictions and self medicating,all while serving unselfishly and surrendering to the work, the flow of life.In my 40's i came back knowing I had to be myself and not a mindless meat machine.Diet exercise, career change, travel, responsibility, clairvoyant training, Love, Despair, dejection, alcoholism, surrender, grace stay with the feeling,meditation, silence, manifest the highest truth, Further, finally divine openings, loss of self, awareness, unending Revealing of what nothing means and recognition of myself as the truth, the Highest within All and staying in that, continually, feeling it grow beyond myself into the one divine self.
Knowing that all is the illusion, but all illusion is the revealing of the truth, work within and outside the paradox and be free from all unconsciousness and doership of all actions.Everything is done for us as we set our selves upon the path, nothing is needed except to move always in that direction. We need only realize that we are being guided and surrender to what is right in front of us at any time. That is the path, the light, the truth. all will be given to one who waits and endures calmly all things that come.
What part of this is not it, not the Ultimate reality. Its not some book that begins and ends, Everything is included as the deluded personalities still are worn by the all knowing absolute ancient Being. There is no high or low, more or less, on or off, just innumerable layers being uncovered, each thinner than the last, the light becoming brighter and brighter to the observer, but the light doesnt change, just the viewer, the observer, the light bearer.
Im seeing a lot of light and its not going away. I keep getting closer and im not blinded or scared or unsure or questioning. Its a straight shot for a well prepared system. Ready to do what it takes, integrated, surrendered and AWARE. all the attributes of one stepping off a cliff with nothing left to lose except who i was and the air is filled with light and my ears ring with an unheard humming and every instant seems forever

What is beyond the duality

In the duality is the density separated from the no-density. The density is organized by gravity. this is apparently the force that crystallized matter, layer upon layer, formed the galaxies the super galaxies, even the original Universal mass. Is this all some Divine recycling system where all non divine crap ends up? is this the true purpose, to transform the shit into shinola so the Divine can be one again and/or evolve to the next level?
I see everything as the elimination of density from that which has no substance or matter.
As above so below. we live in the universal shitheap. We are the shit dwellers, the non-divine elements of the Oneness.we are that which the Divine cannot accept, cannot integrate into its system or state or vibration or whatever non-physical relationship it may have with its own divine aspiration.
All is One so we exist at all the levels. This level being the one that is the most difficult to work with. It is fundamentally unconscious. as we are when we come to this level. We are born in perfect affinity with its nature, unaware except for the self, the body physical, that which cannot be changed only experienced.permanent, unmoving, unchanging existence, separated and surrounded by more of the same.
Into this comes a glimpse of awareness, I am something, this part or that of this physicality but part also of something that can transcend the physical, the vital - can want, not to just be, but want to be more. After that the mental comes with the ability to system analyze the perceived environment, to make getting more better, more organized.
Once all i can get and more is gotten, it becomes a problem of crowd control and waste management. By eliminating the crowd you eliminate the waste management.
Into this mix comes psychic awareness. Some connection beyond human need, some wanting of a higher order, some organization and analysis of non physical awareness that leads to realisation of what we are. A unified field of awareness without purpose, not related to human needs and desires, yet all pervading as we examine the state of mankind. That which both intensifies and desensitizes human experience.
through the mind and the psychic this phenomenon is studied and its attainment or non-attainment is calculated, the songs of its wonder are recorded and man becomes God Man.
And what is that Being beyond the cycles of life and death and feelings? At once, its awareness without experience and some totally other state or no-state that is unaware.
and thats where i stop for now. What can be known beyond that without going there, or not there or?
its not a mind thing or a feeling thing, its actually a body thing. In the body that we continually underestimate, there is that nothing and in our system is that which knows nothingness for what it is not and has that ability to not be. Getting in touch with that, No Know Knowing - the Art of not Being, How not to be that which isn't.

passage to bethlehem

unrelenting energy cascading, deepening the already deep well of being, the pain of ecstasy all life is unforgiven except the soul life, the opening to the divine. until then you are as dead and  used for whatever purpose serves. once on the path of truth, the system evolves and all the world changes for you. whatever is needed is given and whatever is possible happens. all the saints and sinners rejoice this coming and none dare cross the open entrance where you are awaited, or is it I the angels sing for and the horns are blown. i feel a tremendous rush of awareness and a body wrapping of bliss. nothing is beyond me or outside of me, all time has stopped all thoughts dismissed only the flow and current hot and strong takes me where i am to go. i feel the houses of the holy and the damned lined along the wide open path, none walk or talk or go about their business, the sky is wide and free and the light of day is bright. shawls of the women are laid across the rocks and dirt and men remove their covering hats. all look down as i pass and up as i go by. there is a host of brilliant lights above my crown and my feet are dressed in sandals yellow and white. my arms raised in thankfulness i walk past the well and the public market, no flies stir, no one moves. i am brought to the stall of the goat keeper and a small donkey is brought out for me to ride. his rough hide covered in Damascus cloths and hung with golden pendants and chains. flowers wreath his neck and i too am garlanded. what liberty this passage, what am i that this is come. seated, i rock along the cobbled lane and the fronds of palms wave to cool my way. a line of children follow and sing of the day that the lord was come, what  beasts hooves and childs voice takes me to certain destiny where even the prophets hesitate to read the writings they have forsworn.. this day like all cometh before a storm but now in this life i am adorned and praised for each is a sinner and i their last and golden hope. what playeth young lucifer now on his stringed trident and smoky tongue to taunt my rose covered brow.

The sleep thing

is sort of an indicator. sure i meditate as much as most people sleep but unconsciousness is much less.One minute of real meditation, deep gone unravelled, is enough to refresh the body all day. But the meditations are healing me. Those parts that feel the separation, the amputations, the needful things. these are being bathed in the waters of forgetfulness, letting go. I'm not the doer of others lives, not the saviour, the rescuer, the sacrificer, the delayer of unmet karmas anymore.
thats what must come, that which i avoid. the inevitable downfalls that life awaits. Those moments approaching the final failure, where the legs buckle and at once i realize i'm not getting up. I'm not looking for any help here, just to be done, not the one to do anything, just accept and surrender.
thats what this whole play is, the ending of the ego, the realization of the totality required. Theres not one thing to hang onto. Nothing is in my control. If everything needs to be let go or taken then so be it. That is Divine will, for absolutely nothing was ever really mine. That was just the fantasy i spent my life protecting. That in the chaos, this bubble of order and safety was my doing, my responsibility, my duty. All service to Maya, all sacrifice to the wind, every drop of blood spilled on the sand. The cosmic comedy where everything perfected is illusion and only the blind cannot see. the king wears no clothes. Once the lights come up, its all props on the stage, stagehands scuffling, all the actors gone. And the scenery is all wood and canvas painted.Yet it was all so real, the dream, that wistful feeling that it was so wonderful for a little while, to believe it all. Such feelings and ardent desires, family dramas and terrifying possibilities. And the ending, so tragic yet meaningful as the family looks across the headstone to the sunsetting across the distant mountaintops.
the music ends, the lights come up and its time to leave, That part of make believe has been too long occupying my time.There is the real world to discover, the truth of who I am and why I create so much experience around it.
as long as the body is connected there are experiences. Here is the magical chariot, everything is in the body, the mind, the vital, connected, experiencing the force of I AM creating consciousness and experience, all the play of the field. Know the field, says the Gita. This is it. Separate from the tiny ego, know the truth of this creation. not the same playtoy to use to make an imaginary life, but the physical expression of the totality of being, the actualizing of the spirit, the awareness in matter.
The doer of miracles, the physical is so much more than the unchanging world humans hold onto. The work is to physicalize Awareness Consciousness, true self in every atom of existence. it is the doorway to truth in matter, the end of false dominion of obscurity in the creation. now i sound like Sri Aurobindo. the supramental energy that will vitalize, mentalize and bring psychic awareness to every cell of the body, and unlock the mechanism to bring the supramental light to matter. for all cells are one cell just as all beings are one being and just as all electrons are one giant wave of uncertain position and density.everything in the universe is connected and that Spiritual Union must exist in it all and all must realise its own divinity, its supreme oneness.
But not to get too far ahead of myself, bringing the divine into the body is the First Step.To realize you are the One Divine Being, at once everything Manifest and nothing Unmanifest. That Paradox of unknowable truth, to be AND not to be, how to bring that into what is and not just go crazy trying to figure it out.For the physical is the manifestation of that divine from the unmanifest source. It is Both, though we only experience the manifest aspect of existence.so it is through non-experience that the unmanifest is brought into the physical. That which is the unmanifested nature of the physical will resonate with the no action of non-experience. therefore - know emptiness to be complete. to fulfill the paradox of the Divine in human form. Know the void, the lack, the loss of human awareness. the closest we know of this is death, so that becomes the symbolic truth, the death of the self, to know this unknowable surrender.
what magic this, what wondrous beings we that can not be what we are even as we are that and are not that in the same instant.
Its not that we are false, just totally incomplete. As all and nothing, the queen and king must reside on the same throne and not be at war.The kingdom divided cannot stand. know thyself to be nothing as intended, not man, not god but the no god man.
What remains after you stop believing in it is reality. After nothing, what can remain, that is the question. And on this side of that divide, there is no answer, all seems lost. What is the end of all things? Our physical reality is the paradox. Between the electrons and protons is emptiness, vast unending non existence. everything we think is solid is actually emptiness with a tiny amount of organized matter, potentialized as the form you experience. You only are aware of the organized form, completely unaware of the surrounding nothing.So we interpret this as solid-real but the true reality is all emptiness, except for this mist, this fog of particles shifting from wave(energy) into particles(matter) and back again depending on the observer. Everything happens in this cloud, all the rest is pure emptiness without any potential or observation possible.
Is the cloud reality, the constantly shifting levels of potential energy and matter formulas for conversion and never being created or destroyed in its purest energetic nature, or is emptiness the truth. or can it somehow be all. For obviously both are true, can one exist without the other? thats beyond our knowledge, just recognizing that there are two states, manifest and unmanifest is enough for our tiny intellects. That is our dilemma To realize the lie of existence. that reality is the stuff dreams are made of. We are that dream that nothingness is having.and until everything in the dream wakes up, it will stay a dream
The evolution we speak of is waking from the dream of matter, the false truth dream of concrete that is cotton candy, and become the reality of Nothing matter. The integral yoga of Divine to Awake to the ultimate totality of being-nobeing awareness beyond that which is not, to the next state of realizing all nothing, so that transcendence disappears and the new UberBeing emerges.
Who what how when or never makes no difference. That I can think it means the possibility exists as does whatever result may or may not be.
Like i said, First things First. See the Cloud in the endless Nothing, nothing -cloud  cloud-nothing
end experience  - nothing
Human experience - Divine nothing
Human realizes Divine - ends experience
Perhaps what is seen as nothing, is really a dimension that cannot be experienced by any part of the human being. So we must lose our Cloudness to be able to enter that nothing dimension.Here at that gateway, all we are and know ends. Scary! and intriguing.
Is this death, or beyond even that. I think beyond - death, life, gunas all cloud stuff. We are emerging aliens, and evolution so beyond human we become unrecognizable. Someday we may come back and visit. The state of Beyondness - borderless being, no-experience - sings in my trembling belly. What language this that cannot express emptiness except as a negative, an unhuman event horizon where nothing returns from, the cloud disappears as we exit.
I sit on that edge, truly gripping the ledge, this is not nothing but no thingness and nothing is right. So right and wrong have to go to get there because we have no way to know what awaits.

I'm old young

alive dying
awake sleeping
who is what here
as i pass through these states
there is no i to have them
there is a body experiencing
and a mind describing
but not a self having
something ages, dies, sleeps
something is young, living, awakening
I am none of these
just here
maybe enjoying, amusing, waiting
thats what I notice
light experiences, pencil shading
strokes or lines in the sand
below the tide mark
as i wait, coming closer, more
the silence grows
the world moves farther away
I remain and the rest goes
whatever I am
\is revealing slowly
like sunrise on a new world

the thoughts are gone

i cant rely on them
the words sit like little statues
each a wonder of design
displaying such innocence
on the shelves of my mind
i take one down
cradling it like a child
examining its fullness
its many featured face
each facet diamond like sparkling
but the emptiness has no words
no poems no song no deep conversation
i sit alone
disappearing from my life
each memory gone
dissolving in the liquid of my being
washing away the words
the thoughts
the polaroids aging in the mind
until sepia like tones
merge into One

what little i have

still has me
still prevents me
still wags me
what price freedom
to have nothing
costs everything
its not the injustice
its the sadness that suffocates
as if i need a blanket
or a slice of bread
more that the truth of life itself
i can blow my own nose
wipe away this petulance
and self centered need
to clear the board for love
and expansion
and undisturbed serenity
for which i would pay anything
if only the cashier would come
checkout at the supermarket of desire

go to the center

that says Do Not Enter
go deep inside
to realize the lie
that makes you die
Find what is hidden
that comes unbidden
From who you really are
that lives inside
and never hides
what is real
is this the deal
you make
with yourself
right now?

in the presence

of
such unalterable Being
i cannot take a breath
beat a heart
have this thought
except He moves me

in that instant NOW

All was done
all creation and dissolution
beginning and end
life and death
everything
and what joy that
so much
that as He
wanted to appreciate
his creation
added Time
to enjoy

thoughts beyond time

are knowing
and knowing
is the depth of the sea
endless truths eternally
reflected in everything we see and feel
forces of infinite power
life love growth wonder joy
each affecting everything endlessly
yet each a finite molecule of
the unrealized completion
a drop of paint
in the masterpiece
from in there it seems senseless
meaningless
until the drop becomes one
with the intention of the artist
and realizes what is being done
with every drop
and all becomes that
from unfinished to done
the question is the answer
Who Am I becomes Who I Am
become the masterpiece and
you are the master

time

the meaningless master
endlessly calculating
we see only
the endless requirement
the unalterable outcome
but not the
reality
in
every instant
eternal now
eternal now
eternal now

i sit in perfect light

timeless moments
unending visions
what i know is beyond me
what i have is nothing
but what is given
if this is what my life
is supposed to be
then so be it
i will be what i am
and nothing more
or less
accepting everything
as that will
 that fills me
every instant
without end

Niwot Spirit Council

I spent this morning in deep reunion with the Spirit Council of the Niwot Elders. Amazing Beings.They shared their truth with me.
All is sanctified in the Circle of Truth. The Great Father created all before the world began. The world is the sacred circle and all in it are given the truth of sacred life. Nothing can be taken without permission and none owns anything but their own soul.
Everything you touch keeps a drop of your soul and you keep a drop of its. In this way all are connected and continue even after many lives.
The white man came as pestilence sent to destroy the arrogance of the tribes that broke the circle of sacred truth. But the earth will always be sacred and never die. The tribe still continues to perform the sacred rituals of the Father and each living child of the world still walks on sacred soil.
None can be here without permission and none have asked.
Those who came took without permission and all was destroyed. Everything they create is without sacred truth and will crumble to ash.
The white man treads the earth wearing shoes so his soul cannot enter the soil. This is as the Father willed it. The earth does not want the soul of the white man in its sacred soul. When the white man is gone nothing will remain and the truth will return.
All that we do as seekers of the true knowledge is sacred work but we have not been sanctified on this earth. So even this will pass from here unless we seek permission of the Father and all his creations.
For all the animals and trees, water and sky all are his children and each belongs to him and him only. It is only the humans of the tribe that must learn to live the sacred path and the Sanctified Life.
For all is in Him and the souls of the living depart to him and he returns them to their reward, into the bear and the beaver, the bison and the fish, the birds and the horse, the trees and the deer. All are our brothers and sisters of the sacred soul and none want or suffer. yet the end comes even in the midst of plenty and he reaps what he has sown. All waits in the great soul of the earth for the springtime to return.

I see more light

when i close my eyes
more truth realized when i look inside
all else is vain reflection
outside

it doesn't matter

the words i write
the thoughts i think
the feelings i have
the actions i perform
all is the play of desire and manifestation
the same force that directs the movement
of every object in the universe
projects my finite self
as each blade of grass grows
and each insect finds its way
each nesting bird and hunting beast
is that divine being realized
so am i
and all i am
is that
no words thoughts deeds feelings
but that
manifested in that will
i am not separate from that ever
in my deepest part i feel only that
what feels apart is the mind, the thoughts
lost in time
each thought a picture frame
around a slice of infinity

Light is what darkness

cannot resist
when light is present
dark is gone
everywhere we bring the light
the fire of being
transforming the dark matter
into its inner light
inside we are dark
set the fire burning
for even this is enlightenment
of the form
its destruction is freedom
as matter becomes the fire
of truth
all Form is resistance
darkness to the unquenchable light
expose all resistance
all negativity all despair
all fear
all suffering
put all in the fire of the truth
that fire that never ends
transform every thing!

Is this IT

NOW
it seems forever
right now
like it cant end
what erupts and subsides
everywhere
a billion beings surround
yet here
Alone
in this nowness
a universe my own
life exists inseparable from truth
and separate from time
my space is infinity
each thought a galaxy explodes
I touch nothing
and bobble in delight
what matter anything
this love for everything
never ends
Being AMness
Oneness
NOW

How am I known

to you,
what signs do I allow
the gaze of wonder
the sanctity of surrender
giving birth to life
and letting go
wherever another is more precious
and the self is forgotten
holding hands
sitting alone under the sky
water and earth I Am
your breath and flesh are Me
contemplation before action
forgiveness in any circumstance
when Lover and Beloved disappear
In any Form
I have come
Let nothing End
before you know
I have never been
I will never become
for I AM

I am the One

the Ocean of Being
each wave is my creation
each drop my tears of devotion
where i am none can be
all effort is done
all suffering gone
All things I allow
nothing escapes me
what is willed is mine
and only time separates Me
wherever you are
I came before
wherever you go
I sent you
every pebble, raindrop, leaf
is known to Me
and your most secret thoughts
are Mine
how you feel the morning chill and shiver
is My ecstasy
in your eyes
my tears fall
from your lips
I speak your every lie
and wait for you to ask the question
when you realize I am here
Who are you
and I am ALL

Living in the land

of trees slaughtered,
admiring the desolation and
destruction of construction.
bathing in the filth of millions
eclipsing every sunrise,
high rise countryside
freeway killers,
damage done
moving on
third world planet
waiting for the hatchet
fear comes everywhere
nowhere anywhere
no one dare
take responsibility for anything
whats the point of anger
when the tears run dry
Its all a lie
everyone dies
close your eyes
stay inside
until you die
and realize
it was a lie you lived
try to see now
you can still be free
Now
there is a truth in everything
if you want
to grab the prize

Hidden Acceptance

There is a huge area of acceptance that can release the highest attachment, acceptance and aspiration. That which is trapped in us, that which comes from thinking part of ourselves is Bad or Hidden or wrong or evil. also prevents us from experiencing our Good or openness, our Right, our pure truth.
in this world, especially the western world, we are children playing until one day we experience the physical ananda of orgasm, of sex, of self pleasure. Then we are taught that it is bad or wrong. But we cannot resist it. so we take our truth of experiencing ananda in the physical and separate it from our social self, our personality splits.we begin to alienate our true nature from ourselves.for some this becomes a doorway of Forbidden delight that is constantly buried in shame and fear and regret. Instead of embracing our ability to descend into the deepest physical ananda without regard for social consequences or physical harm,we isolate and hide that part of ourselves. but this same descent into the low physical nature and its discovery of ananda experience, is the very engine that allows, even drives, the equal ascent to the highest vital, mental and psychic/spiritual anandas.
the rule of the dualistic nature of the universe is that we can only ascend as high as we can descend.what experience we have to be "bad" creates that same potential for "good". What experience we have in the physical creates the potential to experience on all levels of energetic manifestation.
if through this sense of shameful action we take on physical illness,that ananda of illness in the body, for all is pure bliss of satchitananda, creates the potential for experiencing its highest dualistic aspect, purity of spirit, thought and action. All ability to experience ananda stems from the original natural physical manifestation that is programmed into the human system.If this is repressed, cut off from the rest of the system, it stagnates or finds a distorted release into the system. When this happens, when we bury the "Bad" experiences,and deny the truth of this dualistic reality and stop all progress. for as long as we "bury" the experience, the true experience of physical ananda, wherever it comes from, we deny ourselves the same experience at all levels and at the exact highest opposite reality

addiction to freedom
illness to health
distorted to aligned
shame to acceptance
fear to openness

by denying the dark side we also deny the light, the truth, the highest potential for spiritual growth.
The every action to descend is also the ability to ascend, as long as your true nature remains whole and not divided against itself.
I knew an alcoholic, chugging quarts of gin, vodka anything addict, lost everything, family, home respect, totally broken, finally found a way to recover. One day he tried meditation to help relax, stop the craving. he would sit in his bathroom on the rug. Almost immediately he started experiencing powerful descending energies. He had never denied that part of him that had descended he had remained whole, so after having experienced that lowest extreme of ananda in his system, he was able to ascend. his physical nature had the experience to take him quickly to the highest energetic ananda.

Admit that which is hidden or separate, confess what was BAD or unclean or dirty that you could not accept in yourself, that which you had to do because the ananda was so irresistible, but wrong.Feel the actual true pleasure of what you experienced, that wrongness that felt so right, that thing that compulsion, that had to be buried and denied. Then that Ocean of ananda, the denied experience of all the truth locked up in that tomb of shame and regret, will flow swiftly through your system and unlock the highest energy centers.

where you buried yourself will grow a garden of delights
where there was;

Lies now Truth will blossom
Fear now Joy will grow
Anger now Peace will sprout
pretense now honesty will flourish
denial now Acceptance
Resistance now Surrender
Self Hate now Self Love

in this dualistic universe this is the way it works. the descent prepares us for the ascent. As below so Above. In puberty we naturally go into sex. If this si denied then it becomes perverted into denial/anger/fear/self torment/any kind of release as the body hungers for the ananda it knows is its due, a purely biological response to the rise of life energy in the human system.
Until these segregated sub-selves are accepted and loved, the process cannot move to the higher energy centers. Everything is trapped in those early opening lower chakras and never released to move through to the higher.the energy does not flow to the other centers of the system and the energy stagnates.
For some the denial may have come later, in Relationships, habits, addictions or compulsions that were hidden or denied in order to fit into their own, society's or family belief systems. It is in seeing these beliefs for what they are - lies, untruths for the energy of the system - that allow ourselves to accept the things we feared to admit. Once accpted the system can come into alignment with all its highest and lowest components throughout all the chakras, from the bottom to the top. Then the energy will flow, the experience come, the awareness expands. Then you will see where all your beliefs have stopped the flow of your natural energy and you will then forgive yourself for the years of holding your self down and finally Let those stifling beliefs Go!

be-lieve be-lief

be-lief - (noun) That which we want to be
         from be-lieve - (verb) to want something to be something else
all beliefs are personal fears
the beliefs are collective
being the results of experiences
that have collected in the impersonal consciousness
belief in god, in goodness and evil, right and wrong
strong and weak. all dualistic experiences become beliefs
that one half acts as a control or reaction to the other
and one must choose to defend one or the other as if
reality depended on their actions.groups form around these
beliefs and create agreement, from this are born societies,
governments and justice systems, each with their sets of
detailed beliefs in increasingly intricate and contradictory
relationships. Out of this mass of compacted beliefs men
are programmed, also intricately balanced and full of
contradictions and failures that they believe are what make
themselves real and purposeful. and for these beliefs, as
confused as they are, men are willing to fight to the death.
this is reflected in every interaction people have. They compare
belief systems and belief feelings for their very lives are
based on the cherishing of these long and wrongly held notions.
And even when everyone changes to a new belief system,
the old ones remain, underneath, waiting for the chance to say
I Told You So!

I see from another dimension

no longer with eyes
but with knowing
around all but touching nothing
what is real is not in the room
but in Universal and hidden forces
the physical is a symbolic manifestation of these
the collapsing of forces resisting and
surrendering to the moment where
consciously an opening is held and
the Sustainer enters, as a cleanup
an organizer, universal administrator
bringing order to the tiny energies
in the room. Its like gravity trying
to influence the small electrical forces
in the atoms and molecules.
Using a giant sledge hammer to swat flies
no wonder the work is so exacting
How to focus the Universal into the
microcosm of the immediate physical
I am just starting to become consciously
aware, actually seeing the forces coming
into the room. Ive always had a knowing
sense, like a meter that measures radiation
from low to high
but not the sensitive instrument that can
discriminate what types and sources of
energies.the guesswork is now becoming calculated
and measured and the frantic small sharp energies
from the encapsulated entities is very disturbing.
I seek shelter as my new vulnerability
is assailed again and again.
peoples, individuals, their unconscious postures
and intentions like flashing neon signs\
and their childish reactions to anything that
might challenge their unconsciousness or
threaten their sense of inflated self importance
is punishing. I can see where compassion
is beyond essential as it is all that
keeps one in the room.
Right now I only want the empty room
and the light bulb for company as I discover
who this being is and what he knows.
lately i feel continuously connected.
the regimen of meditating at night and only
2 hours of laying down has somehow broken
through the dimensional barrier and allows
the channel to be made more stable.
I never feel tired and have great stamina
for the work, I feel my preparations made before
have been of great help in the transition.
the diet the exercise, little sleep, conscious behavior,
taking responsibility. now all are supporting the last
stages of the release of self imposed limitations.
Now the limitations of the higher nature can be
grasped and dealt with, for its those ideas of what
is beyond the physical that have unconsciously shaped
my resistances remaining to the true opening of
whatever is coming. No amount of preparation
can help with what can only be experienced once
the gate is passed and the superconscient light
fills the awareness.Then you realize that what
is coming is beyond dreaming. and there is a
code of integration to the new forces and energies
that exist as truly as bodies inhabit the world below.
and these too are just places and personalities of higher
dimensions and certainly not destinations for the soul.
I feel as a drifting red balloon motivated by
unseen winds to move along observe and touch lightly,
but never hover, never stop moving and always the
light from above beckons, entreating me to find its
truest path and follow it to the source. I feel the
childlike wonderment of the Ancient Soul born
memoryless into paradise and experiencingng  all as
new and filled with unlimited possibilities. Nothing in
any egoic life could ever equal this untroubled joy and delight.
all universes are playthings and all gods are children.
And there is no end to the universal Love and Bliss
that flows through each and every amazing inexplicable
miraculous instant of awareness.
As I experience this the Bliss connects me to the Ananda
that flows through each particle and dimension of existence.
For all is Bliss and in that moment of connection all is
One Blissful Being, completely fulfilled and filled with knowing.
there is no end to what has no beginning
All is that One completeness where every experience
and All Knowing and Absolute Awareness converge
and spring eternal from the unmanifested Source and
collapse into Eternal Ecstacy.
Some unknown path goes beyond even this but
here i drink, thirsty from my billions of years of being
in the unending manifesting of finite form and here I will
remain for what will surely seem like Forever!

What is truth

self awareness
loss of self
no experience of self
emptiness
awakening to open self
Beingness
Polar Energetic shift
I wonder at the change i find
its not like ego is gone
just attenuated
like that button on the car stereo
the big voice grows silent
the waves of being can be heard
sometimes from a distance
other times like i am standing in water
feeling the wet and warmth
the affinity for the ocean and shore
all those sailing away songs
the immersion into something so big
i am gone and glad for it
only the wash of water on the sand
the sun and sky above
deep blue ocean so warm and alive
How does a single man become
what do you call it?
God, Being, All that which pervades
the enjoyer of the senses
that has no attachment to the world
and already being around the solitary egos
is rattling, the crib dwellers
venturing out fearfully, bravely
but collapsing into unwieldy stammering
when challenged
or clustering hysterically for support
the excited laughter and whispers
as if anything is important or secret
except for the work we endeavor
each bundle of energy pulsing and popping
uselessly agitated, directed away from
any connection to the flow, the pulse
the current, as sat shree calls it, that the universe is.
Im not totally new here
ive lived here many times
the Ancient one, the Absolute
enjoys my company, my vital being, life force
for surely we are well known and harmonized
when He enters All is awash in the
energy flowing everywhere
those i am in contact with
feel the presence and my voice
and body expand and fill with the
uncompromising awareness and eternal compassion
it is the truth of Me, the Real I, the One beyond
the self, beyond the stuff of human existence
He has all knowledge and intelligence, the
Knower of the Ancient Wisdom, the
Guide on the Unknown Path
I sense the beyond state, nothingness
and glimpse the Shore even more distant
where souls return
the unimaginable emptiness and acceptance
a Responsibility for existence
the samskaras I must wash in that endless drowning
untold delight and freedom beyond time
touching both the Source and the target
the unknown and living Truth
as a child filled with absolute love

what day this light becomes

the raging madness envelopes me. i wake this morning at 3:45, awake cold and tired. there is no light and the living/meditation room where i just had spent 3 hours last night until 1am, in uncomfortable meditation. arising to fall into fitful slumber and now risen. the coffee and raisin toasts with peanut butter, my brother has been eating in gobs and i will need more soon.settled with my cup and towel and toast, i feel unusually plain, like a piece of white bread on a plate. i wonder if this is my tamas cycle begun and nothing good will come of it. perhaps erasing the writing from yesterday, which were amazing, from the whiteboard isnt a good idea since i dont feel anything coming up in me, no idea or spark, no pull to write. but i take heedance of my daily process and open my almost filled notebook, though i do write only on one side of a page and not like my brother who is copying two books, the mother book and jed mckennas diatribe each from one of the two covers of his notebook. all is writing and letting something move from me and onto the page and after a cup and the toast, so perfect for my staring gun, i grab one more cup and delicately open my book and start to set a word on the empty page.i write without stop until 5am like a man possessed, and even i am shocked at the words and their power. transmission. eloquence.each a part of a whole. another manifesting-o. i stop and transcribe the exact words of the first 5 pages to the whiteboard in small even letters so it can all fit, i number them 1 through 4 and the last i write across the bottom and number it 0 as it has a darkness that needs warning. as the 5:45 crosses the clock, one devotee enters and silently reads the board, turning after the first 4 to salute me with her hands in a prayerful posture and a small bow. the last 0 can only be read while kneeling before the board. another two enter but the time is short and everyday they see my writings displayed in erasable marker across the large white board. we prepare to meditate. all through meditation my mind continues to receive messages, writing, revelations of the meaning of eternity and nothingness and what lays beyond the last frontier. i am transfixed and as the bell rings at the end, i grab my note book and begin feverishly writing more and more. one of the elders comes to sit next to me in my madness to talk to get my shakti, but i hurriedly wave him away and run to my bedicule to write in unhampered solitude another full set of captured visions, emerging an hour later to find the one devotee that might actually get there sitting and writing each of my words carefully and thoughtfully in her notebook, stopping to stare and think many times and remarking how incredible my words have become. she writes and my brother emerges from his slumber and prepares coffee. i am in the state beyond the body in awareness and distance separates me as if from a another planet.Brother reads and remarks he can feel the transmission in the words and not the meaning. i am filled with some cosmic awareness, deep and old. i sit and talk to the aging devotee of the reason why emptiness is needed and the ecstasy of the return from oblivion as the truth of the loneliness is set into the human heart created from that endless awareness. i ask her if she understands why disease and poverty and pain exist. she mumbles something about learning from them and then i ask her why good health and wealth and love exist. for what can exist if it is not the expression of its own duality in a darker reality. to have one we must accept the other. all is duality and nothing is the only end. then to the rocky mountain trail and the harsh uphill over a very difficult climb, and i feel only the flight and the rush of ascension to the very top. we descend in easy camaraderie and talk of the states i have been experiencing, the 11 chapter of gita and the upcoming Get Real workshop this weekend and last nights public talk that sat shree gave at the integral center in boulder, and the energies let loose from that. the day is a marvelous beginning and it is noon and time to go home and lunch and then to write at starbucks.

9

emptiness is shattered with unbearable ecstacies
by the beat of a single heart
what fills the void is inexpressible Love
as the thought become known
what expresses the inexpressible
from what came the urge
the desire
the awareness
the unopened
the unknown
how blinked the unmoving eye
cast upon the shadow
before the light became
or the light before the darkness came
all was nothing at all
and nothing everything
where the Force awoke
beyond knowing
to be felt
to be known
to be

and what use
useless eternity
meaningless infinity
without the finite struggle and awe
truly we are in the thrall of gods
and they in the hands of relentless awareness
Awake through endless time
waiting to be known
to be created
to be devoured
eternally

for the endless hunger awaits
and all is devoured by the destroyer of false truth
every meaning is lost and
all relations torn apart
nothing survives the eternal hunger
all is emptied
and from such ends
a return is fashioned
for even hunger
must know the plow
and plant the seed
and wait
the calculation and creation
as dawn assures the day
and as rapidly becomes the night
of dissolution and decay
let one light shine
and one darkness fall
on everything
and all is One thing
that is no thing
and ends
once and for all

8

I sit where loneliness comes from
loneliness
lonely
only
one

longing
creating
devouring

7

be
Aware
become
other
self
realize
recognition
release
Return
devour
empty
Repeat

6

I stink and foul
the very goodness of creation
what beast am i
that has no sense
for what is beauty
and succulent grace
the table set, the wine breathing
i shit on your plate
and piss in your glass
drink and be settled
for nothing comes to dinner
and nothing hungers
for your peace and quiet
fear me for i am in you
waiting to destroy everything
even the thought of me is deadly
all fear is my creation
yet none are mine
what you are is me
but i am not you
whatever face you wear
i am your truest self
and when you ask Who Am I
beware the truth

5

does anything stop
this endless sliding
past all known landmarks
to the end of creation
and past that which
has not yet been created
what last vestige remains
that speed and distance
cannot devour
this unholy place turns
where nothing moves
i paid dearly
and not enough
for never will i pay again
one time
pays for all
and change
is never pretty

0

Cast down
my garden bare
all creation ruined
what hope remains
is lost in despair
always before
he came, he comforted
All was forgiven
Here the heavens rise
in furious Anger
what place have i
where nothing reigns
what manger bright
swaddles my infant child
and Mothers hand so soft
i have no stars shining
or wise men to confer
this empty thought
has come to naught
what brought this here
were all my fears
driving me away
now who i am is meaningless
as christ come christmas day

4

Contemplation of the One
that is and isn't
for One only exists
in relation to Another
What is One without anything
Division by Zero
equals nothing
why contemplate on nothing
what can there be to realize
or be or imagine
it does not exist
and cannot be
so we play with words
or empty feelings
or no-mind
and somehow we imagine we know
what has no knowing
I purchase on the edge
gripping the ledge
waiting to fall
is this it, the truth, the ultimate reality
i laugh and let go
thinking
this is nothing at all

3

Universes, Fantasies, Dreams
each as real as the other
all rolled into me
all colored with broad strokes
as pleasing as i could devise
where stars and wizards and
places of incredible delight
mix and match and fall apart
when i open my eyes
for i see everything glowing
not going away
i find my dreams come true
here and in this world
everyday
here is the man changing to
master his reality and
stop the engine of desire
in this moment all wonders increase
even as all memories cease
this is where the only truth exists
in me here now
and as i think of what that really means
i am terrified and filled with wonder
for never have i been so
powerfully fragile and born

2

there is a little me now
not the loosed baboon of yore
but a kinder sort that sits
and applauds my tiny steps
my infinitesimal tracking
and finding of each new species
of myself
The Unlimited Orb of All
the being that sits within
the Great Soul soul shared
the tin man
the Shaman
the Self made man
the child left behind and found
which would be me?
if i knew i would already be
where i sit is a vast emptiness
and each of us is there alone
what call you this no-place
where no one is
connected beyond knowing
to the end of everything
by the beam of who i was
alone and waiting

1

i have attained little
the commonest thing
this realization that every man has
if he has ever stood up
and looked with 2 eyes and 2 feet
that whatever you want from life
you make it yourself
fashioned from the clay at hand
thrown together from the parts
and pieces others toss aside
stripped from what the world is
we fashion something of our own
what fabulous foolishness all
where perfection reigns
we smear our patterned hand
and call the imperfection home
yet it is our heart that brings the truth
even to the worst we do
that hovel, that hut, that thirsty work
becomes the beast we slay
to find out where our freedom is
and realize another way
just who it is we are

illusionment

samadhi and love, im buried and born again the heart of all love and nothing penetrates but absolute awareness, i am one, the being in me the world in me the light of the stars shining down in me. this is not the LSD of yore or the rambling of a weakened mind though many might think so. instead its the truth of who is and what is and why we are. no other, just the absolute one being entranced in the illusion. all is done and perfect, that sense i always had that there is noting to do  is correct. attainment is actually the ultimate unattainment, the lessening and leaving until only what is, remains. the final whirl of self resolves into the center of the black hole in the middle of who we arent, the unalterable truth of being and that is sitting on the crack of the edge of duality straddling the container that cannot exist holding together the paradox of existence/non-being/beyond-knowing where duality ends, i begin again as i come forever to be in all creation though none is in me.what i know, the eternal being within never dies or withers, all is the play of the duality the mind. where something is, there it is not. every atom has been set to its task, spinning in the non-being of all existence, touch that space between all things and fall through the looking glass under the star struck sky into infinity and never leave yourself. there i am in you and you alone eternally.