its been a while,

 a 9 day silent retreat with get real and consecrated living programs inserted as an experiment by the long haired bespectacled incarnation force in a living form semi guru that runs things in this rag tag army of semi willing devotees and retirees. the morning here is foggy and wet enough to steam up my glasses as i roar down the multi patched and layered road that surrounds the rocky form of shiva and thiruvannamali. every day it reminds me that im here for some reason, i just dont feel it, the motivation is gone. i sit in solitude reading or just staring at the sky and rice paddies filled with glorious birds of white and blue that constantly stalk the living residents of the watery ponds. no mosquitoes here and thats amazing. i've come out of a life that required constant attention and effort to support and now it feels like im in the hammock and the biggest job is not falling out too often.i cant do what i used to and i'll never be working to keep it together for everyone anymore. now everyone is on their own and im the last man laying down watching the world out a small feeling of interest that seems to be fading as the days roll on. its not enough to notice the world going away, you have to give it a bon voyage and sing little song to keep the deckhands occupied while you slip down the gangplank and disappear into the crowd of disinterested wharf rats and coolies.somewhere i read if you just stop believing your a human being living on earth, the rest is easy. i'm getting it. its like your a ball of gas dissipating from the world, releasing into the void and becoming so diffuse theres no cohesion or shape anymore. the light is distinct against the utter blackness and the idea of shades of gray are as meaningless as the feel of solid ground. whatever i was is a dream and the dreamer is staring at the ceiling where theres no roof and the bed i was laying in has disappeared. the last thing i see before the end of my vigil is a white light so bright it ends all seeing.