you want the truth?

i guess i thought i should at least try to write this down. I feel like if i died today that would be a good thing. i didnt do as well at my life as i like to think, my wife was probably closer to the mark than i ever was. i was selfish and egotistical, had to be right and self indulgent, i avoided real responsibility and leaned on the crutch of work to make it all right for me to say i was the victim. there was little about the 30s and 40s that i would want to brag about, drug addiction, sex addiction, self satisfaction and lies, constant lies to everyone about everything. i wanted what i wanted and didnt care who i hurt. ignored my children and wife, left her with the real job and responsibility, made myself into some kind of tyrant so i could hide behind the lies i created to shore up my secret and perverted life of drugs and sex that i could not stop. after all that ended, at least the worst of it, i continued to self medicate for another decade or two with a short hiatus of real joy in between. but i never told the absolute truth about it to anyone. i was some kind of hero but i knew it was a lie. i didnt give up my life for my family, i was so twisted up in the lie, i was living out of guilt and shame for 20 years. no relationship with my wife and mostly a stranger to my kids, and to myself. i wanted to make things right and i looked at who had done the right thing or at least seemed honest to me, there was Scot going through his self absorption getting a free pass from god and george, suddenly clean from bi polar disease from some kind of new age psychic training. I latched on to those as my obvious paths to self atonement or resurrection or some twisted up sense of making myself better without telling the real truth of why i did anything cause that would make me what i really was, a lying asshole pervert son of a bitch. And a angry one, not lovable at all. i jumped at the chance to find a born again solution that would maintain the lie, keep the false self intact while creating a new and improved person, saint or some kind of untrue good thing that didnt have any basis for existing, except my need intense need to become what i was not. somewhere in the middle of it all, it began to work and i felt i had some kind of goodness, some real love starting and some distance from that evil that i was, but that too was thrown in my face and every set back was just the universe justifying punishing me for my sins that would never be cleansed. the hole got deeper and deeper, and death was more real than life.there was no hope, no truth and no way i could ever be free. i was well on my way when my brother put out his hand and offered me a way to do one last thing, some small act of manifesting divine, as if divine would have anything to do with me. i came on board, and everything changed. between the silence and stillness and self examination, divine grace and some kind of new age miracle, i approached the reality of my untruth, though never bluntly and directly because my ego couldnt support the new me and that evil self at the same time. even when the once great love returned, the flame was gone and only the ties that cursed me remained, the why would you love me, you dont know what a horrible person i am, and oh poor me and oh what about all i did for you and you hurt me crap, when it was all a smokescreen for not telling the truth, that all my love was a cover up for all my self infatuation and selfishness that ruined my life, that no one could love or forgive. and that too was dead in me, even as my soul grew and the self dwindled, this has always been there sucker punching me in a million disguises, making me unworthy, reason for not progressing, self hate and inevitable weakness after weakness until now, i know the truth and just want to piss on myself for being such an ass and a liar. what shit and i know it. im black and white and fucked up and still cant see straight in a mirror or a meditation lamp. its all a load that i have carried and let run my entire existence into the shit pile. even now i have no way out except to say i am not strong or good or correct in any way, i live for me only and what i am doing is some kind of twisted up need to make it all ok somehow once everyone can see im some saint, but it aint happening and im not getting it done. im shit still and doing shit work, not free from ego or high awareness but a very well shaped lie that lives on the edge of self destruction. i dont know where to go with this but this is the only thing i know to do. it started when annique died and i hated everyone for letting it happen and i blamed especially me but in my weakness i wanted everyone else to take the responsibility and let me be free. but i knew they werent and i wasnt ever. i never wanted to be responsible for anyone again, but it kept happening and i hated it and it was like bitter poison for me and it made me angry that i had to play that part for love. and love became the bitterest pill, because it always carried that requirement. always. and i was angry and resentful and turned to self gratification to make it bearable for my massive ego, that couldnt stand being restrained for others. decades of this destroyed what was young and still hopeful if not brave enough to walk alone. now i am getting a couple of legs under me and if i can get a little distance from all the crutches i have collected and shoulders i cry on maybe i can start some kind of cleanup of this god awful mess ive left behind. its no beauty queen godiva but at least its a start at something that can move on its own where i could never get to.