what to say, its all deception delusion and deceit, nothing is true, everything is false. i know this in my heart and i cant move past it. i want to believe in something, but its all bullshit. whats the solution? just say f it all and keep moving. im unsure of what to do or how to do it. nothing is valid. i can do anything, especially die, and beyond that there is no truth to any action. the results are as meaningless as the action. im alone now, the world is empty for me, the whole family, work, possessions all dissipated and pale. im stretched across the continents and living a lie. i want to be real. thats the truth, but the old definitions dont work.maybe a few weeks in india will fix it. not likely, this is like a vacation paradise, not a spiritual retreat. the supposed giving up of preferences is still high luxury for any poor indian, we live like pashas and sleep on feather pillows served pate de foi grois and excellent bottles of the finest vintage compared to the people on the streets. what we are doing is playing, there is no reality so we may as well just do make believe cause the truth isnt there. maybe its my fever and cold right now but its all so untrue i cant get into the whole scene.
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