at the tasty, in tears

 over some small story of generosity, my heart a bleeding rag of emotions.i wonder what kind of old woman i really am that cant keep any perspective on life, everything is the result of my thinking there was something to accomplish or be or become, a goal or destination anything besides just being myself. i am this the crying old man the ex addicted, looking for a new addiction. my heart is perfect, it loves and loves and is letting go of any resistance, the pain of feeling is intense and sometimes its enough to make the living hurt more than dying. i sit in meditation unable to ground, unable to focus just a wash in the world of maya, until i settle and accept that i cannot be at peace and forgive myself. there is only silence and peace and the world seems to stop. i feel a thrumming and a deep opening as the energy rushes into the space i have created in me, suddenly i am the child the loved one the being born. i sit unawares of the world and feel the enlightened state expand. one life, one heart, all at once there is only the moment and the peace of self unchanged. there is no past not coming tomorrow i am once and only the one self awakening in myself. as i step closer to the moment that is here in the present, the cares and thoughts end, the emotions quiet, the only feeling is gratitude and i feel the generosity of the universe given again and again to me who never knows but accepts what is now and soon forever. what surrender this to what is, to the time i have until it is gone. there is little i can do but accept and accept without thinking and worry for this is all there is and i the only one.