then i lie because even the truth has no existence, only what is. telling is a lie because no truth exists in words, actions come closer, the heart is the truth, the sense of truth, but feelings lie and disguise everything. only the self untouched can be true, and never leave. whatever truth and peace i feel is when i am on my own. being with others is only pain. nothing creates love or joy when others try to control me. the truth of me needs to be away from others. not under them. i am controlled by my own reactions, feelings of being subservient or manipulated or judged. before i would not care but a few that i do care for have some matching membrane that attaches to me and i submit, then i am lost and depressed. there is no love for me there, no truth, yet that is when i need it the most, to speak truthfully what i feel with anger or upset, yet that is what i feel, and then its done i am not able to, and my anger is stifled not released, not truly expressed and the world seems to settle on me and then i am dying and want to be done and gone. release me everything, i should just get lost and be forever me with everyone, until i honestly feel the surrender, the change the truth that has come and has gone as every change comes and goes and i am nothing before the wind that blows everything over again and again
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