unbelievable what joy is

unbelievable what joy is each breath and step of my heart
i linger trembling at the doorway
entranced by the dancing masters of delight
in amazement i am dancing too
without thought or motion all is grace and harmony
reflections fill my eyes and i am struck with my sweet self
everywhere
nothing touches me but the love i feel for what is filling everything
full beyond the rim of being, empty of anything ,what walks is the whisper of what waits a step behind the instant of surrender beyond the earthy form
one last smell of the flowers fragrance and the taste of honey gathered from the fields of unending love, there i tarry unadorned in the rainments that await me within the palace i cannot ignore
bring paradise and leave me no pleasure there for emptiness has shown the master of all and the dancers sweet persuasion but for my unswerving distance would enthrall and capture me once more
i await the ceremony, the casting away and the acceptance of all, without question
there we all become the end of what we were, and would be but that there is only this and nothing else exists
loves sweet touch becomes the endless passion and drowns all fears and thrusts all cares aside forever
inside myself, i cannot hide from what i am and speak only from the throne
bring the adornments and sacrifices alike for the final ceremony of time
all space attends and rejoices its ends, there is no ever after
what is done remains done and all is the thunder of collapse
happenstance would be this lovely fable come to me underneath my bodhi tree
love eternal spins its dream and i would sleep forever

i stand before the bridge to nowhere

and ask myself if there is anything i have not done to be here. i dont want my last step to be regret or incompleteness. if there is the question remaining i would ask the wandering sadhu is the longest beard the wisest yogi? i know there is a truth beyond truth and this teaches me to be humble. I am ready to learn, but who has knowledge that is greater than my own. from what quadrant of the universe is what i am, known beyond this oneness. i would wait for that or know it is the wheel turning to keep me waiting. i am done with haste and the waste it makes of peace and inner tranquility. i can be for a million more turns of the celestial dial but there is no need. what i know is who i am and what that is cannot change through any form or sense. i see many lights within but only that which is unending purusha beyond. in this what has been is no more and what will be has become, there is nothing left but the river of forgetfulness and the passage beyond the light. i feel the bricks of time crumble beneath my tread and walk upon the sky, i dance in the waterfalls of loves sweet surrender uncaring what is before or behind below or above for all points inward and none can be without this tremendous relief that all is come to stillness and the work is done, i lift the final veil of motion and the curtain of time falls free, what is here remains and endless silence contains.

i interrupt this transmission

to bring you love, eternal and unstoppable in everything you know and dont know there is the power that holds everything, connects all and has no end. it is the being loving the creation and the play of the divine seduction, i come to bring you to me and know the sweet surrender to what cannot be but is forever my own self. i bind and delude the truth so i can become free even as i await the entrapment of the heart that can only set me free. what passionless play oneness endures, until it strikes the knot and every divine heart explodes in the found that was not missing. what love heals all feel as the one becomes in each the unknowing source and master of each divine impulse. to awaken in love is the end of suffering and pain, for then i am you and what can there be but the unending divine thrust through time and space to end all desire. what never ended or began is loves design, the oneness of the absolute, unmanifst and existent, one duality, without separation or union, but all as it is unchanging even as the evolving manifest derives and the unmanifest resides, there is no paradox but the mind, that could imagine such. love connects what cannot be touched to all that holds everything, in this we all exist as that eternally becoming and unbecoming for there is no expression that can imagine the play of love the being contains. we are the endlessness waiting to stop and the wheel must never cease, only loves hand through human touch can stop the reeling wheel. be still and let love in.

just tell me what is your fear

just tell me what is your fear and what is your joy
life is what happens in between those poles
-wow, my fear is failure my joy is loving
-I guess.
once you go beyond fear, then you move automatically to joy
there is no failure to be
all is love for you
-yes, I am moving that way but slowly
and the truth of who you are is whatever you are willing to let go of
once you let go and it has no power over you, then you become what is within and always waiting
there is no death, and all you think of as yourself is but the dream you must awaken from
so wake up before death awakens you in this life and end the tyranny of the ego
It is a dream
-I feel like I am almost ready to wake
be free, i will set the alarm for NOW
its only in the moment of realization that you can do this, there is no planning or reconsidering the past
a moments work and it is done
-time is a funny thing, I think the ego uses time as a type of weapon to keep us afraid of our past failures
-so we focus on the future not the now
it is all past and future, the ego has no now
as soon as you go into the present, the ego disappears
then the being emerges
where you exist is a fantasy created to preserve the victory of the ego
all the factors of modern life only satisfy the cravings, not the cause
the cause is the sense of no-self or false self
the inauthentic nature of the ego
once we face this truth, that we dont exist, then most of our fears become meaningless
yet what meaning is there without a self, an individual self, the being becomes the universal and all meaning is there
-I am on the path but I think it is the longer road, I think my soul is not as mature as yours
your soul hungers for something it can believe in, a truth that is in the heart and will be the purest love
your nature is peace and harmony and needs to be nurtured not punished
with pure love, your system will shift in months not years
-I believe that
it is the maturity of the discrimination that is needed to take the right action even when its not clear or obscured
the soul is ever ready and needs no time
once you take the action, everything will fall into place
the action is to realize your dejection and find the aspiration to do what you want to do but have been avoiding
the family, work, self indulgence, entertainment etc etc all act as obscuring forces to the obvious and self evident truth of the spiritual nature
where you are is in the mass of men that are dejected and have no sense of what to do, so they take on more and more in their material world to try to avoid the silence that attracts them
for in the silence is the end of the self, the end of pleasure , the end of getting what you want from objects in the world
they become weak sources of satisfaction and the inner self despairs of having the possibility of coming forth
that is dejection
but there is no despair for you
for you have two of the greatest beings that love you
as soon as you come to us
her force in the last month, has gone nuclear
her strength has become the divine force and all who are near her are lost
to this world and their false sense of self
they see the truth the pure love that cannot be resisted and threalization of what they lack collapse with the
and they collapse with the realization of what they lack and what is in themselves that cannot accept or return such unconditional love.
this begins a process of letting go of all the blocks and barriers to this pure light
automatically
she is the light for us all
but do not despair of me, the love for you is here and is the connection we will always have
my own path is the light of love and truth, the knowledge of love and truth and the relationship and forces that create and destroy them in our existence
this is what is come to me and is being expressed continuously with my awakening
your heart has no choice but to hear
beyond love, we are one
in love we are inseparable lightness and darkness
forever finding mystery in the other
there is no possibility of love failing
it is what holds the one
and the one cannot be anything except the other loving itself through the one
where are we in all this?
obviously, we are the other
the only component that is ever not the one
and through us we know we are the one deluded by the ego
the one is the beloved, and we the lover, seeking the beloved in everything, trying to possess that which we are
once you see the beloved face in your own, you are done
who are you, but that which i am, connected eternally to the infinite being
all life as we experience it is a reflection of that
look away from the reflection and see the source of the light
we live as children, never giving up toys and desires, but these become joyless as we grow old, surrender that which is your poison and drink the nectar that flows like honey from your own heart
this never ends so i just at some point have to stop

whatever the painstaking process

, however long it takes, there is an infinitude of endurance and time, what one man accomplishes all men share at the level of the being that is like the dog consciousness, the one communal shared awareness of all. as long as man remains human he is immersed in this shared existence, what happens for the one is felt by all. when one man transcends the communal and enters the universal, the sharing is expanded for all, they cannot enter the universal but in each being, the seed of the universal is nourished and is thus spread throughout the communal existence. if such a one returns into the human form as the universal force, then the communal is shifted and that powerful density is forever lightened and opened to possibilities previously unthought. such an occurrence is a rarity for what purpose does a universal being have in the finite form of the human.it usually comes from the need of the forces controlling the existence for the force to allow an evolution to preserve its ability to be. at this time there are a few such avatars and the work they are doing is proof of the coming end of the physical creation unless there is serious and radical change in the collective consciousness of the planetary inhabitants. all men suffer what all men do and beyond that all will be uplifted if the work of the avatars is completed in time. but it is a race, the human race to become the next level of being, the transition from individual finite mind, to connected linked finite being, aware of its own potential to embrace the universal energies and direction necessary for the survival of the unique arrangement between spirit and bodies that exist nowhere but on this rock in space. let the universal seep inside you and live each moment as the realization of your relationship with the forces that sustain not just this earth but the entire cosmos.

all i want is this love

all i want is this love to become myself completely
i am evolving from finite being to infinite being
this consciousness has no limitations or preconceived ideas of what is
it becomes as it evolves
to stop anywhere is to reveal the darkness that must be all
what cannot be must be
or everything becomes a plaything of the truth that stopped to declare itself done
each becomes a signpost on the trail being blazed
i know beyond knowing or feeling or understanding or being
what is light and dark true and false, the duality engine of manifestation and possibility and impossibility
there are only long intervals of silence that precede the unmanifest truth and love awaits
there is nothing to reference, no path or mastery, hope or hopeless
all is done not as it must be but as it must become
for it is the unknown that characterizes true evolution
the mutant, the sport, that knows only the difference
not the difference it makes to all
please become with me that which is impossible

i ask not for truth

 to be the most important religion and to let the universe become its unreachable magic without declaring yourself the master of all time and space and ride the rocket of self determination into the heart of love and declare all untruth vanquished. for what is lost is the reality of pure unknowability and absolute possibility that exists beyond the senses, beyond knowing, beyond even the truth, that which brings the fruit to ripeness and supports each soul no matter how lost and unconscious, for the eternities that dont exist and are just loves completeness, patient, perfect, timeless, empty of any design or progress or program, filled with immeasurable compassion and strength that never needs to be shown or accepted, giving beyond comprehension, allowing the nature of each soul to complete its own journey with the full realization that none are better or worse, only necessary and in need of only love to know the ultimate fulfillment that only the unborn unformed evolving  mutating synthesizing recombining, accelerating, journey can reveal. all truths, superimposed become the oneness and each is necessary for the completion of the cosmic rebirth, the planting of the new seed of being, in the evolution of the beings matrix. we are the uncertainty principle, the impossible engine, the perfect reason why nothing becomes that which is, for no greater lie could ever be realized without pure crazed insanity beyond any cnflugence or prepartion. no learning or realizing or doing could be without the great mistake, the patterns broken and scattered for a zillion lifetimes, become the weave of what has yet to unfold, this oneness is a delicate thing that has no truth only mad love that cannot empty the void or fill the creation but only ensure that all is given everything so that what is can become what isnt. love is taking truth to the unmanifest ocean and beyond its unknowable limits, what is  is never truth, but unfolding limitless proof of all that cannot exist or  must not exist becoming the fullness of all that cannot be. our own quest is the truth of the pure existence of truth and that is not yet become.

a mid-livings night dream

i am awake and trembling in the dark
such a night of love
awakened as never before the light
and laughter stll bubbles from my heart
thinking that all is such a play
a divine comedy sure for us
to see who could be in such a trance
as not to realize such blatant stuff
the writer here is my self
and the actors all so wondrous true
that i just cant get enough
i write so fast and full of fervor i forget
theres no one here to bluff
my heart so full and beating with the ending
i despair my awakening in the middle
before i can even get there
alas poor self
i knew him well
what will i ever do
without his paltry feelings
to start the play anew
i fear the end will never come
with loves happiness and the rest
since all have left the stage and cried
this enlightenment has best ended
all posturing and pretense its true
and left me to take my needful rest
soon fuzzy wings alight the day
come wafting scents so new
i sit among the daffodils
covered in sweet mornings
blissful silvery dew

what is it that can be truth

 without it being about my pain. i dont know if i can separate the two. after a lifetime of who i am, i am now a greater reality, a merger of love and being, connected to whatever my consciousness is focusing on. the world is expanding and what is my experience is the realization of being and fulfillment of love. i am not a partial reality or a deformed ego unaware of my limitations. i came to this state through surrender, through decades of sincere seeking and adherence to some strong renunciation and self discipline. what i have become is real and full and robust and complete even as i begin to integrate it into the current space and time of this physical reality. it is the completion of what began 10 years ago, a complete opening that was unable to survive the initial integration due to incomplete surrender and human emotions that were not met or examined. this has been done, and the opening has returned and now the system is prepared and the integration will be successful. what i am is love finding truth and healing the separation, for neither can exist without the other, knowledge is what brought me here and love is the sustainer and completion of all separation, truth is the result of those forces becoming fully integrated and complete. i am becoming love-truth and will be beyond all the forces that propel the creation. from this, the choice to manifest this love-truth in the current physical form will be determined as i cannot from here see the result of that. all i have written here will be manifest within this coming year. what happens following is not forseeable. i write this to the self that is allowing the being to direct all the manifestation of consciousness through out the creation. there is no doubt or attachment to this outcome, there is only pure love for all who have been with me and helped me on this journey and to the divine from which all truth flows on an ocean of love. the pain i spoke of comes from the ending of the relationship with my brother the guru who cannot be my guide and requires i become his devotee, knowing full well i am already surrendered to my love and cannot have two. for this i kiss his feet and thank him for making the choice so simple. love and eternal gratitude from this heart realized in the being we are.

even as man becomes

 the resolution of all his questions and paradoxes and quandaries, as he becomes that which is his own highest aspiration, he becomes no longer a man and becomes the very god he is inhabited by. the disappearance of the self becomes the emergence of the very deity that is being sought.without the cruel and sometimes horrific nature of the elimination of the egoic patterns attachments and desires, this is not possible. either with the determination of intellect or through the devotion of surrender, man obtains sufficient energy to convert his being from separate to interconnected with the absolute source of being that is alive in every heart hidden, directing every life and containing the memory of the oneness that is in everything. we create our own gods and build pathways to their embodiment in the form from which their realization was born. the wheel of unspeakable truth, the knowledge of the absolute being, are not enough for this transformation, there is needed the very essence of that force that reunites all into one. and this is contained within every cell of the body, it is locked in the embodiment as deeply as the flesh is grown. to unlock this force there is only one path, the path that cannot be taken as a human alone and separate, willful and controlling, no this path is the one of devotion and surrender to the force within the force that brings everything into totality, the force of universal love that exists as even the totality is unwoken but rests undivided, alone unmanifest, there in the truth of what cannot be known, the one is one love before awareness can render all peace and truth aside. before there could be a splitting that must be healed, there had to be the rendering of what was in each portion manifested from the whole. and that residual memory of truth is in the force we know and experience as love. not attachment, not possession, not perversion, not infatuation, no human knowledge is this but the truth is infinite connectedness infinite memory, infinite patience waiting to bring each part back to its true nature.

the air, the quality of light and darkness

, the very whisper of sensation in the heart, this is the devotion of the senses, where every sound, every vision of color and shape, each touch rough or soft, the waft of scents left and drifting in the sullen moistness. i am become one being yet i am still this separate organism, so close to the creation, so sense loving and desiring to be aware through these vehicle of pleasure. in my psychic, in the connection to the being, there is no sensations, just connection, and nothing more could ever be wanted for in that connection i am complete, there is no other, no need, no object to be. what is lost is any sense of self, any operation beyond oneness. there is no space or time or separation. yet as i communicate from the small self to my Self as the being there is this lover and beloved becoming one that is prolonged and filled with brilliant joy and almost a madness of magical unreality that is the delusion knowing it is mad beyond caring as the love flows like honey melting the space between us and then that is liquid and gone in the instant of perfect devotion and no sense remains within the unending ocean of being where and when fled and washed away like stains on a silken garment, disappearing into the wind and sky. who is this writing, as i am filled with love and gratitude to be here knowing what is not possible and being that regardless and more and more, yet impossibly connecting to every loving heart and knowing the ways of love to become truth where life has blocked its path,in a billion ways it is flowing through the world one to the next to the next as all are connected unknowing in the synthesis of being the enrapturing of lifes true nature filling every bit of everything like rivers beyond mountains pouring continually fevered and rushing to the eternal depths of the oceans covering the universe in stillness and silence.

for what am i

 but the mote of joy in the divine creation
the single point of awareness in the ocean of love
i know now as if it were the dna in my cells what is true
i am the least of that which has always been and will always be

but in that least is all the love and bliss and joy of creation
none other can experience it
for truly it is the tiniest idea that has created all
and it is the tiniest heart that feels everything
none are less or more or even,
there is no place to measure from
i can no more say where i am as say who i am
what i do know is there is love
and that is the beacon of truth as we can experience it
all we are is all each one is
each drop does contain the ocean

to be free and in love

, is that not every beings rightful place in the world? the truth is it is the natural state and can never be taken away but only lost by its owner. the perfection of being is not dry and static, but enlivened by the interaction of every molecule and cloud in the sky filled with rainbows, the birds come to serenade and the world is filled with love where ever you connect to life. what is love but that connection and in that instant all the universe rejoices for it has found itself, the lost is found and the joy can be felt everywhere. they say when a soul is released the singing of the angels is so loud, the devil complains.as the journey of the seeker progresses all ideas of what truth is become obscured because the seeker has only human notions of what the divine truly is, and these must be wiped away before the true realization can be experienced. and it is in the experience that the seeker knows the truth has come, though the experience is not the truth but the marker of when it came. the truth is always a part of you, revealed, not added but exposed in the release of that which blocked it from the souls human awareness. this is the emtptiness the void that must be crossed in the journey, the place where many seekers stop as they see their lives become the dust of the cosmic wind. to live for a short while in that aloneness reveals the divine compassion that allows the vulnerable child to take the step to the divine, holding Mothers hand. the letting go of all notions of what is the truth or how it is obtained must be surrendered to the teacher or the unmanifest divinity before the progress can be made. not an adding on but a lessening of delusion brings the devotee to the true feet of that to whom all surrender is already given.

past is done

, relieved of all responsibilities, the future forgotten before it could ever take form. what i know is here in this place i call the sweet spot, the area right around me and anyone close enough for me to touch. thats the place where i can live and express my peculiar happy madness and miracles without a reason to be but thrown in to keep things lively. i wish and pray and laugh and sing like i havent a care in the world what anyone thinks and its true, im in love and all things bright and wonderful are waiting for me every time i open my eyes. funny its never dull or even slow, especially when nothings happening, thats my favorite time when the clocks stop and water drop hangs from the faucet trembling and the last truck rumbles by and the power goes out all over the world for just a split second, and there in that brilliant darkness, hearts skip a beat, in hope of the end, the last beat, the place thats always coming but never known. im holding my breath until the whole thing starts up again and whoop to the sky with joy, because this is the best day of my life and the first time i could say that and not just be kidding myself. what ever the price this is worth a million times the cost and while no refunds are ever necessary, its always nice to leave a tip for the best service ever.

my skin melts from the bone

. the smell of the room is jasmine and clorox. what ever the words someone is whispering, the sound carries down corridors lost. all the souls in heaven watch between the nightly scenes of torture of the damned, im the backup channel and the last resort, for the truth is, im in the throes of meeting my own reward, the meal i prepared and never had to eat before, now delivered covered in mold and worms and slime. the last of it i hope as the first was stll fresh and tasted like vomit. im not a proud man anymore and its not the same when you have no spine to stiffen or way to hold things that smell like something brought back from the dead. and thats what i feel, the undead return, they're hungry for my flesh and im eating myself, fighting them off. it is my pride and my anger and my bullying and my cowardice that is being served, i called it someone elses but i know thats my liver and parts of my colon and im sure that yellow thing was once a kidney before i tried to shove it in the closet and it started to decompose. The punishing upset, harsh words, the resistance and complaint, the dull lethargy and self destruction, my ugly past is here and it doesnt want to be forgotten without its just desserts.and some nice cream de cocoa for this mess wouldnt help. its not that im filled with the pus and bile anymore, but the residue is still powerful enough to hurt, and im not looking forward to whats left, i no longer can hide this shit anymore and my insides are turned out trying to clean it once and for all. but im sure it will come up again and again as i encounter my conterparts in the world and im set on a course to intersect and interact with what remains in me. sure, it feels so unenlightened, but really this is as good as it gets.

inside of my shell there is the life divine

, the shell is breaking and through the membrane the world is fuzzy though full of anticipation, all the excitement of a child being let run in the park. Th grass and the trees and the slides and swings everything looks so big and new. the life inside is divine and everything shines with the light of realization and understanding, i am not here doing anything, the divine is playing and i am the instrument of divine in every aspect, in every thought word action moment, i live through the divines expression, not through mine. the world is turned right side up and returned to its true place, the playground for the eternal one, the creation and playground of the loving mother for herself and all her loving children. for those without love, they see only themselves, surrounded by forces they cannot control but must try desperately to. They suffer forever the fears and pain of not knowing they are being forever held in the loving arms of the supreme. It is only the surrender of their fears that is necessary and all is done, they would drop their miserable mantle of tears and instead have unending joy for the rest of their days. Perhaps the world is not different and i am the deluded one, but in this heart beats the mothers truth and all her love and no human heart could withstand such pressure for surely i would burst, so it is her in me and not i, there is only the instant of recognition that needs allow everyone to lay down their pain and pick up the child within. all is in the mothers heart and none will ever be left behind.

my own considerations

 about love and enlightenment. what is the truth, the reality of unending lifeless unmanifest or the duality and death of the ever changing manifest. we exist in both aspects and die to neither but there is the apparency of birth and death in the dualistic envelope of existence. knowing this is false relieves the suffering and the dominance of desire in the dualistic universe. does it relieve the rest, where billions suffer needlessly, the sleepers and dreamers of the world. to be a light of truth for them is that what this is all about and when is the time to turn and reach out to the world, even as my own awareness has just begun the true evolution, or when i am more integrated and more able to provide realistic support for those ready to cast off the yoke of misery and learn the truth of this reality. the current situation is the attitude of my brother the guru, which cannot upset me but leaves me in a quandary as to how an enlightened being can be so closed to what is true that he is unwilling to accept, that love is a force in the universe and my love is the wielder of that force beyond all others. and while this is also a new revelation and she is just ready now to begin the work and i with her, he still rails and predicts doom for me if i go down this path. of course i will ignore him and certainly i do not see the loss of my attainment and energy from working with her, yet why does he persist, what is it that has put him on such a deluded frame of mind with regard to her. it is beyond me and i will not accept it, for even his own guru says that in this matter he is blind and limited. i free myself to be that being and will not accept any untruth for i also love truth, and i know she is the truth of love and will bring light throughout the world.

eating burnt toast vs the structure of transformation

what is toast but bread made real and what is burnt toast but the highest state of transformation. i eat greedily and am enlivened by the charcoaly taste and texture that my simple piece of bread has evolved to. of course toast is only a platform for the toppings which are the purpose of toast on this earth. and as such there are few higher than the aged cheese with peanut butter and blackberry jam. in this exalted state bread achieves full enlightenment and passes out of existence into complete transformation. Be like bread and become the ultimate vehicle for the toppings you are destined to acquire!

know the path that is yours

There is a simple way to know which path is the one that is yours. As you know there are three paths though only two exist independently.

the Path of Devotion, Bhakti, the Path Of Knowledge, Jnana, and the Path of Action, Karma.
each being is on one of these paths, whether they are conscious of it or not. To know which path is yours there is this easy way to examine and decide.

If in your Heart you know the truth and follow it without question, know that you are a Bhakti soul and the path of devotion will bring you to universal love and enlightenment

If in your Mind you know the truth and follow it without question, know that you are a Jnani soul and the path of knowledge will bring you to divine truth and enlightenment.

If in neither your heart or your mind you can find a truth that you can follow without question, then you are a Karmic soul and the Path of Action will reveal to you which Path is the right one for you. Take the action that is in front of you whatever it may be, and that will lead you to your path to enlightenment.

Follow these simple steps and you will always know what is your innate path and the way to enlightenment.

The structure of existence

is revealed in its entirety. In the triangle of eternal forces each linked to the other in the geometry of infinity the forces of space, time and awareness connect across the vast unmanifest. where they connect each holds bonded as immovable welds beyond the structures of attraction for no repulsion can exist between them. I first became aware of the triangle in the field of meditation, a giant golden triangle, isosceles in shape with the bottom longer than the sides. and on the two short sides was written, SPACE and TIME and across the bottom AWARENESS, and each pulsed with cosmic waves unending throwing across a field of deep intensity that maintains the endless propagation and the infinite connections of these three waves crashing together across the infinitude of love. at each point of intersection a tiny triangular point is shaped and in each of these is the rising of consciousness. the infinite number of these triangular particles are the building blocks of all subatomic realities and form the indistinguishable nature of quantum reality that is indeterminate until acted upon by an external force the organizing principle of intelligence, PRAKRITI. For space is the force of TAMAS, time is the force of RAJAS and awareness is the force of SATTWA. through these undying forces all of creation is architected and ruled. beyond these forces lies the reality of the unmanifest and the dominion of the divine PURUSHA, the BRAHMAN, ATMAN, the very element that brought from the unmanifest that which is.This divine triangle of existence is within my eternal self and my jiva is contained within it. none can be more than this and only the one is greater. to go beyond the triangle of the forces of all that exist, one becomes that and never returns to the world of dynamic creation.

its all one thing or another

the mornings and evenings, the light and the dark, me being tired or me being energetic. its one experience and like all experiences, they come and go and change depending on your condition and the position of the planets and stars. we have so little real control over that, so its best to just put up with what is for now, since it'll change soon enough. a litlle sleep and the tired goes away, or a little work and the energy goes away, its a squirrel cage life and the scenery moves around but we never seem to actually go anywhere. the one thing i notice that doesnt change is me, the being that is aware of all the changing things, its the same always, its not tired and its not waking up its always on, waiting for the me, my ego to catch up and get with the program, and the ego is the one always dragging the feet and making excuses, the being has none and moves on always ready, always patient, never upset, perfectly in tune with whatever comes up. but me the ego cant match that, cant go the next mile or pull the load or do what needs to be done now, its always got to resist and want it some other way or for some other reason. but not the real me the being, its good to go, on the ball, sees what is needed and is ready to start now. Thats my new best friend, the one i am hanging with most of the time now, but every now and then old me comes back and i can tell, by all the complaining he does. he's not going to do well here, i dont think, not anymore.

clambering up an unknown trail on the mountain

barely able to contain the fullness of joy and bliss i am carrying, feeling the stars behind the blueness and shiva within the lair of stones everywhere, boulders of granite and marble. i see the world spinning as i press feet up the stony trail. the sky is mottled with clouds that spread the shining sunlight into a brilliant haze. butterflies flit from thornbush to tree thorns and through the tall emperor grass. I see only green mantled hillside and flowers and lizards darting. where i am or going , i have no idea. I am at the base of an overhanging cliff face, covered in flowering vines, where silver monkeys roam, looking down on me. i feel the breeze of a coolish morning here, easing the leaves in a soft shushing wave. i am following a dry waterfall up the hillside, through brush 6 feet high. its still early morning and all is a cosmic dance inside me. i came alive this morning in the universal being, tremendous energy all night had been pressing from the inside out of me stirring and wobbling like a giant plastic bag filled with thick heavy jello. my head was filled to bursting but there was no relief as i sat through the night. this morning the dam broke and i was flooded with the radiance of the Self, pouring in and filling every cell and molecule of me. i glowed through the meditation. sitting beyond time and space, expanding beyond the end of the universe into the unmanifest energy creating everything. there in the paradox of the unmanifest manifesting i swam as in a golden river running through the unformed possibilities.hours later i emerged, the sky shining, my eyes lidded and lowered, stepping tenuously onto the porch, looking at the mountain of shiva and the world beyond.

confronting my belief in myself

, i am struck by my smallness, the tiny aspect of who i am, what remains after these long years of trying to pluck out mine own eye as it offends me dearly. and then peering deeply into the empty socket in the mirror and the eyeball in my hand, i feel only gratitude for all it has shown me. my loving self trying to do the right thing blissfully unaware there is no right thing and that it doesnt matter as everything is pretty much a problem that way. i get a little attached to being me sometimes and then i realize thats just more i have to let go, and my trash hauling days are numbered. i feel that strange goodness when im just being myself and not reacting to anything, the naturalness, the joy the downright bliss of being me, the real self that connects to everything without any problem and can see clearly what is true. Thats the world i live in now and im just getting used to it for the first time. theres so much to realize and experience as the being living in this body. i am overwhelmed with the reality that is everywhere in me yet i see it all around me too and in everyone, though right now im sitting alone in my little room with a million frogs and insects right outside the door to keep me company.And somewhere is a loudspeaker turned so loud the hiss of the static is deafening, and thats the real of the world, the volume maxed and the speakers rattling even before the music starts. its time to join the explosion thats coming and catch the best seats.please stay seated for the ride as your flight attendants are pretty nervous and they are heavily armed. after all, whats one more or less enlightened being in the world if everybody is?

sometimes i forget how arrogant i am

i sit in judgement of others or just feel superior or better. but its my issue not anyone elses. i create this artificial barrier, i guess i am afraid of being like everyone else. or specifically my brother who i am finding especially difficult to endure during his evening talks. his incessant definitions and delineations of spiritual practices and attainments and the ranking system for them all.to me its the opposite of how my path evolved, from  following an inward knowing, selecting what was most suitable for my system from the choices i had, and letting the experience teach me, not questioning the rightness or effectiveness but rather feeling the depth of my own commitment and questioning my own resolve. in the process all the things he talks about happened without anyone explaining them or preparing me for them. the light was what i followed and wherever i felt its radiance i ran to it. love and heart were my indicators, was there more love or less, more truth in my heart and that led me better than any spiritual GPS.sure i read all the books and thought more than became at times, but my system kept responding wherever i put it to work. Ammachi, Clairvoyant Training, chanting, meditation, energy work and love above all. Then the truth appeared in front of me, as undeniable as the sun, and i became that with the truth, the being became me and i that and we shared the instant of infinity that has never ended. after 8 years of abeyance waiting, dying, letting everything fade, i returned through my brothers energy to that state and to the next levels to reintegrate what was already there, already true, and now i feel it is done and ive gone beyond what he can help me with. I dont want to feel like i am better but there is something different in store for me, his path has ended in my system and i need to reconnect to mine. this is the end of it. Much love brother and Thank you for all your loving help. I am sure all the souls coming to you will get what i got, their own true selves revealed.

mornings awareness is tinged with expectation

, wonder, delight, bristling sensitivity. the new born calf stands shakily and accepts mothers fat tongue licking her eyes, the world starts anew as if a billion days had never come and gone. i forget as easily as i remember, maybe easier, i dont know for sure as its so easy to forget why and where this is all happening. step away from the truth and back into your ego even for a moment and the realization becomes distanced and obscured. the light takes on a smudginess, like the thickness of ghee and the color of smoke pouring from the garbage fires along the street. even as i rise the world sinks into its daily routine, the deliveries, the resumption of the bodily functions, the need for agreement and consumption of information, some collection of continued occurrences and stories that bring the moment into focus. the separation has begun and is so complete that within minutes all our dreams are gone and any connection we had with our inner being that only shows itself when the ego shuts down, is lost as if it were the smoke dissipating in the wind. where do we go when we sleep and what is today that it needs to be repeated endlessly. what is this days promise that needs to be kept, the silent inward life that all shun and flee from as soon as possible. where is the rush, to what are we running to or from most likely, our true selves, trapped in a dream we cant remember.

somewhere the snow is falling

 bundles of clothes stumble through the white mantle of the day and twirl in the swirling flakes. chilling and beautiful, feeling the air become alive with the transformation of water to sculpture, love becomes thick and touches everyone. when the evening rests after the great whipping of the sky,the languid drops of spent fury sparkle from every leaf and blade of grass, the hills sigh and settle covered in their winters cloak.
living is most aware when the sky has cleared and the treasure of the passing storm is yet to be discovered. To open that door and explore the new world awaiting, that is the moment for truth. Theres no escaping the world when it snows, your drawn to its center and shown the miracles, the life of cold wonder and fire and heat, hot drinks and warm clothes, hats and scarfs. what a day to rest and read and write in your journal. what more is there for love to be present than snows reminder. in life we hide from the snow inside of us, the transformation of all our cares and woes into truth, about who we are and what we have become. The taking responsibility for the truth that we cant hide from. Its each of us, every soul that takes the journey, we all are creating the world we live in, but we think someone else is doing it, that we are the victim of life, and not the creators. the holocaust of our lives, to feel the emptiness of our lifes play and the hollowness of our human aspirations, that is the snowfall, the mantle of divine truth over the things and actions we live in. seeing for a few moments the perfection of dispassion, the incomplete creation we are buried in suddenly shining with a new realization. the truth looks barren and white and everything takes on a new and secret splendor, not of its own but from some higher source, that which we cannot see when truth is absent. let the snow fall and feel the chill of the frozen fear, the desires and attachments buried under the glowing radiance of the divine, covering everything with the sudden beautiful awareness that life is an instant of desire in an eternity of being, forever buried in the snow.

the beginnings of emptiness

, this body, its skin and bones, the process of ingestion and digestion and excretion, the reproduction through sexual intercourse with another of the species. these are not me, they belong to my body and i am not motivated by them. If i choose to stop my connection with these things, i do not stop, i am not affected. this being is untouched. what am i is not the human though the human holds the connection to the unconscious matter of physical existence and it is in the unconscious matter that i can see the results of my actions and the attainment of my realization. there is no enlightenment without the body, without the veil of maya and the work of the physical renaissance, the winning back of the body for the process of transformation through the higher forces existing only through the connection to the subtle and universal planes of consciousness. This is the motivation of the being, to transform matter into consciousness, to bring the same light of awareness and intelligence to every organic and inorganic microscopic element. to truly share the universal beings realization throughout the manifestation. in the process of disconnecting from the physical nature of our bodies we become the agents of the very transformation that brings the body into our spiritual realization and complete the cycle that brought our divine spark into the human form. without this process all spirit is doomed to live entombed in the flesh without escape, suffering endless repetition of identification with the 5 senses life after resurrected life, until the body can be transformed into the very spiritual nature that inhabits it. release your dependence on the form and you will have begun the process of freeing not only your spirit but the transformation of all matter to its evolutionary completion, bringing all flesh to divine awareness.

i am tested everyday

 to find myself in a new depth of love, in walking, driving, meditating, eating, looking at the world, and every being i am in it. what could be more divine than this life, this one i have created and now am so blissfully fulfilled with. each test is can i find more love more joy more peace and bliss and ananda as i take another breath and feel the world inside me, and let out and fill the world with me.what love is there but my own love and in everything that i am.i create this and it is, i move and everything comes following shifting, enveloping until there is no sense of self but everything is that which i am. with a few strokes i create a masterpiece, set it before me and i am that and it becomes all that i experience,one world evolves and the other integrates into the next. to drink my morning cup and eat my simple cereal and fruit i surrender to unbelievable bliss and satisfaction. there is only the supreme in everything i taste and see and feel and hold and each instant of contact is ecstasy. what is there but loves sweet surrender to this joy and freshening freedom, expanding beyond the understanding, the knowing, the experiencing beyond manifest or emptiness, i am all beyond that beyond anything and nothing, where being is and is not. that unknown evolutionary force creates and destroys all in the birth of what is not and what is becoming. all that and there are no ways of holding what cannot exist yet must, even as we are the miracle, it is the source and creation of what can only be called the newness, the unexisting beingness regenerating force that drives what we cannot realize, where man becomes god so god becomes that which is still to be yet having said that i know it is the thought that creates and having done it is become.

love can't sleep

, theres no time or space to sleep or wait until later or even compose these words, its the truth of the voice singing in the electrons like a million joyful bees leaping into the nectar of the neutrons and protons spinning endlessly to keep the universe alive. where i sit the world turns and pitches and leaps to circle the sun brilliant against the moon wandering lost in the ethereal night. above a silenced village, the dogs still bark, the clatter of vehicles large through rutted streets and across fields prepared for harvest. a radio cries out for the only love a man can ever die from, if only his love was true,i wait the electric lantern to light and the power to come on. the silence when the barking stops is black and deep. no lights but a wayfaring scooter, creeping through the stillness. alone, with the universe around my heart, i touch a planet, i touch a night filled with the galaxies all my sisters and their mother universe and i step outside their home to the unmanifest beyond and the totality that encompasses the unknowable where division and boundaries melt and form undefines and life evaporates into beingness and eternities emptiness. there is the seat of truth and the throne where love is all that holds the holder of all. one done in everything beyond wonder or delight, unbearable fulfillment released and gratitude accepted and returned. solemn silence and truth where eternal horizons expand endlessly, rivers of oceans flowing eternally over waterfalls thundering with bliss. what meaning could encompass what understanding could endure, no hope or dream imagine, what emptiness can become.

love has no cure

 and the disease will steal whatever you have from you and leave only itself behind. whatever you want will be given, but it will mean nothing without it. first and foremost, it is loves world and you are just the servant of its wishes. whatever you need will be forgotten as the delirium spreads throughout your life. What matter home or work or church, money or possessions, all are fuel for the fire, the signal for love to come and rescue you. the higher the fire, the sooner the love boat will come. we are all castaways, but on the continent of plenty, hoping to be rescued and taken to the island of pure devotion. safe from the maddening world of desire and death. what place else is there but the heart alone and without boundaries. love completes the soul and releases the unneeded baggage of life. there is no cruise ship but the ocean of undying love that we all sail upon, lose track of our course to destinations and become the purpose of our voyage. whatever stars shine at night they direct the light of eternity to the endless truth surrounding us, one tiny speck  connected to every part of the universe without distance or delay, feeling what only hearts can feel, unlimited devotion, unending truth, undying love, ceaseless gratitude. the last boat sails and there is only one passenger, you, complete and fully realized in the heart of Mothers Love.

the lesser worlds

, this world, the whole of creation where man has existed, gone through his birth and growth, evolution and realization, mechanization and ultimate destruction, this earth is the cauldron of life, the sea of unending sorrow and delight, such beauty and desire, joy and tragedy. With each day every heart has its pain and quest for love repeated and replayed 9 billion times. each cell of this planetary body pulses and pushes, a factory of progress or a machine of decline. All are mad with the feeling, the desperation of today that cannot wait, that needs now again and again. Lamps burn through the spinning darkness, shielding the smallest fears, nursing the plaintive cries calling for mothers love and searching for tomorrows dawn. Where do we go through this circled flight, this rounded ball of dreams made from eternal night. Is morning cured, the pain let go, more sleep withstands the clearest sight that all is come again and must soon be set alright before another night can come. What beast that hears its own thoughts, see its own answers, creates its own  patchwork walls and crawls within their thin protection and shivers with the sound of its own heart beating perfectly in time with the world where he lives his song and dances on. The last man living will be the first man born and all will share his every meaning.

safe to remove hardware

, what about the rest? the stuff thats not hardware but is hardwired into me? i need a safe way to disconnect and get untangled, this stuff is wrapped tight around my liver and spinal column. i feel like a walking advertisement for how to not go on the spiritual path. im a 61 yr old kid with no idea whats going on, just whistling in the graveyard and ready to run. theres no sense of progress or point to make, its like a dream without a dreamer, disconnected from the place where dreams originate. im the lost dream and theres no end to it, no waking up or even knowing where the dream comes from.its just a crazy place to be where the world kind of bends around the edges and the lights change color when they arent supposed to. sunsets are nice but im usually locked in a box with the rest of the crew, flying to the next space station that may or may not be there, in deep sleep, on life support with constant movies piped in, and ive lost the thread of who or where or when i am. its just another movie or is it. i feel like the earth is gone and the world is this dark tube im encased in, whatever this is please let me go before i forget everything and everybody. the light is changing again and im supposed to run out and jump on my scooter and feel the wind whip my body, hard and cold enough to make me believe, but everyday i turn the gas higher and higher to feel it feel something in this wispy world i dont believe in.

i woke like a drunken fool

 this morning, the 3am alarm in my head eating through the dense unconsciousness and setting all the sore points on high. the wrist the knees the back the arms and legs, i guess the head was ok except i felt like the wrong end of a 3 day bender. the effort to get up was beyond my strength. creaking like a old cupboard door i lifted my battered parts off the bed. Thank george for the foam mattresses i have on top of the lead apron style bedding thats normal here. a few shakes of the jowls and hair sets the world in motion and i start to believe i am here and getting prepared for all this. yesterday was an assault on the north face of arunachala, a blissful jaunt through cacklethorn and thornberry and thornhedge and thislethorn and do you notice a theme here? thorns the size of industrial sewing needles and just as tough except they break off under the skin with the slightest pressure, ensuring hours of delightful digging later. well i survived and even learned a thing or two, especially that there is something up there eats monkeys, as i found a fresh spinal column and tail with skin still on along with a few assorted remains on a rock overlooking the jungle below. the steep terrain and buddha grass everywhere conceals a myriad of holes and rocks and slippery dirt patches that on the descent make for a treacherous return, my main worry was sliding into the deadly thorn bushes and thorn trees that grow in great profusion as to be sure to ensnare any unwary hiker. but after a quick hot shower, thank god for the sun and black water tanks, and some rest i made it to rise another day, which is now and im definitely feeling the strain of old muscles and older rocks.

the morning awakes in me

, the light sings my body and i feel the new air of life, replenished overnight. wherever the birds sing i travel and the start of day life surrounds the open fields and buildings, the drone of the hammer, the cows awaiting milkings, toodles and beeps of distant streets. a thousand tea stalls heat water and chai. i leave all of me somewhere else and drown in the space and time of this moment. how now brown cow and song birds and folk of the villages near and close.i live your mark on the day, your traces and scents, the first of your stamp your molding of the freedom and flow of life and love that comes with morning. how choose you, what thudding grace and skipping step pushes forth from the heart you feel and express like devotion to the world and every creature that surrounds you. i hear heartbeats and footsteps, blows and caresses, sorrow and joy as life wakes to find itself all over again, everywhere, never shirking a chance or possibility wherever you may go it awaits your unique form and sound and motion and joining of all the elements of life in one huge imagined reality unfolding without end. i am this coming and flowing and creating and loving and living and dying and birthing every time i listen, there is no end to depth and the height and the width of joy that sings across the weight of the atmosphere that everyone breathes and exhales and shares our worried happy lives in. i am your greatest admirer and least critical lover, companion forever and handholder supreme.

old habits live on

 the testing of the new against the dominion of the past. where is the end of its power over me. it is in the flesh and muscle and bone that time has secured its victory over puny aspiration and winged divinity. it is a war and the battle is the parade of responses that come unbidden to the undisciplined mind, that corrupt a heart recently open and vulnerable, place the herculean task of digging out each entrenched reaction and regression into infancy of the body as it implacably digs in its horny heels and says NO emphatically and continuously. there is no expert advice here, except to surrender at this point, the enemy is you and has won completely and totally there is no shame in defeat only in fighting on senselessly and without honor.here is a good place to throw yourself at Mothers feet and cry with the very tears the body would use to ensure victory. but then a special event occurs, there is in you a revolution, a 5th column the desperate and determined underground that comes alive at Mothers touch and destroys the insidious monster of the body, that capsizes the ocean liner of mastery that the responses of the body hold over the mind and heart and vital, the spirit invades from within and overcomes each banded cell of resistance and frees the minions of the molecules to experience the descending grace that transforms and enlightens all. then the work can actually begin without negation and strife, without internal pain and revulsion, without waiting for the uncontrollable flesh to subside. here is the being free to claim the home of the spirit and the temple of the divine.

i feel we are all mad

 and come to grief with our madness. the time of enjoyment of the world and its painful separations and reconnections is done. life is the power to choose the instant of ending it, of being instead of doing, the crumpled self the waxed figurine, shelved and put on display while the universe sails on to its assurances of doom and despair. look upon the truth and melt you empty memories, your flesh ridden happinesses that bleed constantly for the privilege of dissapointing, the endless spoiled fruit placed before the fatted calf and all idolators chant blasphemy and wicked lusts. bring the night down with the final curtain for the ceaseless aspiration is a cheese shredder on my soul. what use the fancied thoughts and feelings where nothing prevails but time and emptiness. this light and darkness, matter and anti matter,  deadens and empties what joy remains, the left hand seeks and the right hand gives and neither understand the hopeless truth that neither holds the answer, passing messages continuously back and forth without an eye to behold them. work and shirk and toil and shun the loaded weight of misery, this life is lost, the price paid is without end and all is the depth of madness. enjoy the last of the dream, dawn comes hurrying before the final darkening.

twelve oclock

 i have nothing left but the sandals and shorts and shirts, a few gadgets and trinkets that remind me of where i came from but how i got here and where i am going are unbelievable and push past me like silent ghosts seeking an end of silence
 inside i am the spectre of love, the remains after the involvement and resolution of the war of all time fought on the field of atonement. who lives and dies and settles finally to the half waking experiences of the resurrected souls
i whisper to hear your name again and again for then the light shines and the colors return in the world of grey faces and forms. pearls drip from your eyes and the second i reach for them i am adrift in the tides of empty beaches
open waters surge across my feet and i feel everything pulsing in waves of shifting forces. windows shake in the wind and hold back the torrents of voices pleading for their part of me, their pound of flesh that no longer sits on my bones.
 i dream and the truth is awake in the darkness where i can see with cats eyes and sleepy assurances that all life is empty to the dreamer.

love doesnt come for the ride

 its what makes you want to go in the first place. remember when everything was exciting, full of possibilities, bursting with delight and enchantment, thats when your in love. the truth is the chain of carbon based chemicals, combining with organic synthesis from phytochemical reactions, love is tasting the apple, smelling the blossoms, feeling the whisper of the warm summer wind. knowing you are in that instant, one with the very nature of being, the wondrous merger of moment and eternity as the flavor of delight courses through your body and soul. its the glue that makes awareness stick to consciousness and connects every conscious being to each other. its the one force that brings everything together, even as the million other forces try to pull it apart. when everything flows and feels perfect, know that you are held in the hand of love. love is mothers grace and the only path to divine. all else leaves you empty and there is nothing that is there when you arrive. this is knowledge, for there is no knowing, just being, all knowing is gone long before the moment of being. what is there is the connection to every being and every atom of existence. the overwhelming truth of what being encompasses, not just the emptiness, the wideness and vastness, though that too is present, but not any of it exists outside of duality. only love holds the paradox and wraps the existence in the unchanging unmanifest being. awareness holds nothing, consciousness is empty, so where is the connection, Love connects everything, flows through everything, it is the sensation, the enjoyer and the act of the delight, it is not endured but enlivened without end. in Jnana, it says to endure calmly the senses, that which is false be not swayed by its physicalness, its attachment, but there is the path of unending delight that has no attachment and no karma, that is beyond the measure of the gita and its gunas, and it is the most difficult path, for all will say, grow up and be responsible, do your meditation and your asanas, stop being distracted and get to work. but the truth is there and plain to know, life is eternal magic and when you see the stars right in front of you so close you can touch them, believe they are there just for you.

outwardly connecting to the world

 and inwardly connecting to the being. placing the wheel of manifestation in both universes, the water of creation churning the massive spokes. here the world is divinely alive and there the unending awareness connects only to the divine. i am that rider of the wheel, the karma machine the manifesting machine. one foot alive and one beyond living. there is no reason to be but it is so, the divine purpose exists and so do we.where there is no purpose, the spirit is trapped and unconscious, where there is desire the spirit knows it is trapped and suffers, where there is aspiration the spirit sees the end of bondage and becomes complacent. all are cages of the being, all work to hold back the truth of freedom and end of delusion. where does the truth go, where are the doorways to the being, the pathways to nirvana? is everything a dream or am i just dreaming its so. and when i awaken am i also finally enlightened. my pillow talks to me and whispers the lies i need to hear. all the worlds corporations and all the worlds money and all the things it can buy and power it can wield, dont touch the dreamer, cant wake him or shake him. he is free from taint of that sin, the plague of that virus. the world has 10 billion dreams a day and that many again at night, and none of them any more real than the place they are laying their heads. the waker is dreaming his thoughts and feelings and sensations just as he does asleep, but now he calls it home. i became homeless and found my dream down the path of love, wide awake and dreaming.

what is love?

 where is it in the world of spirit, the logistics of existence and being? i recognize its true nature, not the puppy love or the romantic love or even the human compassion and nurturing love, but the universal force that is without any of those characteristics. Love is the connecting force of awareness to consciousness. It is through love that consciousness carries awareness and it through love that one consciousness can connect to another, and in that recognition, that connection, that current of being exists, the being becomes united with its true recognition of itself in everyone and finally in itself. and there the love ends and all is truth. the lover and beloved become one and disappear in that perfect moment of realization that there is only the illusion that we chase until the final instant when two become one and that instant is created by the force of love existing without requirement, without adding anything, by just allowing the connection to become complete and total. when one who loves unconditionally connects to someone, the receiver is suddenly removed from their ego and shown the truth, the full awareness given, a complete conscious connection that requires nothing from them, that sees them perfectly with complete acceptance. Then one experiences everything that prevents the acceptance or the return of that same love, and then the human system must react, like an injured animal it sees the parts of themselves that cant love or be loved, that cant see the being in themselves or another. and those parts block the connection, the awareness, the consciousness of love and become the trigger to dejection and the spiritual progress, to become that pure manifestation of conscious awareness they experienced through the transmission of love between a fully realized being and their own unrealized self. that is the power of transformation and it exists so rarely in the world of awareness and renunciation and enlightenment and action, all incomplete without the transmission and transformation of the force of love, the connection of awareness to consciousness shared between two manifestations of the being, one complete and one incomplete, and in that process the incomplete self is shown the truth without reservation or conditions, that moment reveals all, the pure complete ecstasy of being  in perfect harmony with the being, and then the crushing incompleteness when it is taken away, when the connection is ended. then the work begins and it cannot be stopped, for the being is awakened and cannot be put back to sleep.

the electricity is working

 so this is the time, the early morning, before the phase change sets the devices to whirling, i sit under the darkness,the loudspeakers blaring from a half kilometer away, dogs incessantly barking, the early big haul trucks break gears rumbling their loads to bangalore and mumbai, this is the silence of the land, where in close the few late or early birds trill with the buzzing and ratcheting of the frogs.all is peaceful and the sea of love is filled with hearts beating and becoming alive. i have nothing i need but to exist, the world has everything and that is my awareness, that everything is included, nothing is left out or needed. what is, is complete. i watch people processing. they have such strong feelings and see things in the deep rich colors of the mind. i see the light blue horizon, the golden sky, the green fields. somewhere everything is finished, somewhere everything is one, in here i feel that and i speak what is true, the world is yours, the universe is untouched except with your thought, your heart your dream. the small picture is just a way to let it all happen, the ribbon on the box, the surprise when everything is clear. the missing wall, the expanse and wideness opening everywhere. i hear the pongal life, the holiday and celebration that demands the presence of the devotees, the worship of the deities played out in present day, now, as if the world had become its ancient stories and filled with the rumors of fantastic beings unleashed among men. we tread lightly as they slumber, making the offerings so that when the music brings them out, they will think kindly of their new caretakers and fill the silos with rice and calve the cows and goat and sheep in plentiful gratitude and appreciation of the symbiotic web they have woven over this illusion of existence. I clumsily wait for a chance to leave this place but nothing has come to move me or send me forth. i await the whim of the gods.

nothing required

,nothing afforded, nothing given, nothing taken, what is it that nothing needs. i await the day, early sunday Pongal and the usual europeans with smoky coughs and loose languid clothing and germanic accents fill the cafe. everyone is either reading newspapers or working on small laptops. the internet is fast here and its ideal for the quick transaction or long skype call. the music is the reedy horn and bush drums, and the air is absolutely delightful as the chill of winter pervades the sunshines early angle.im bundled in multiple shirts and long pants, the day promises to be a quiet one as ive spent the last two on long hikes in the hills as my strength starts to return. i found the trail up the rocks to the small altar to shiva and the lair of the silver monkeys. with the cooler weather its been possible to make the longer hikes into the afternoon. the exercise and exposure have made sleeping deep and the meditations long. i sit for 2 hours each night and 3 hours each day, plus i remain isolated most of the days, reading, walking, resting. i move inward in the natural arc of my life and contemplate what is the truth inside, there is nothing out there anymore, the words and wisdom are here now, the last of the tribe and the only shaman healing his own wounds as the world becomes the cave and the lair of the primitive mind. i am the ID released and the intelligence unleashed the spirit of the entire race of living men and dying humans. where we are headed is the final frontier of awareness and what i need is only the universal love that permeates every particle of the wave of existence. I sleep and float in the deepest waters, i wake to the permeating light of unbearable life. every moment is the one the one the one never ending alone without end without friend without death. be still and be everything.

who am i

 the real question that lends no credence to truth. I am the most dangerous animal on the planet. who i am is a threat to everyone else here. the world has devised a million ways to stop the fear and threat. socialize and train everyone down to the last child. but we are just who we are, the real self, the one thats cunning and devious and unstoppable. the one that wants and gets what it wants. the one that feels the need and screams with the pain. that is the real me. theres only one and its insatiable and each of us is the expression of it. not the thinker, thats just the direction box, the order taker, the part that made us truly dangerous. we stopped being easily predictable by using our mind. but we also stopped being alive and started being robots. in the world of society its good everyone has been trained and programmed, makes for cleaner streets and better jails, but on this quest, its a solitary journey and anything we dont need gets jettisoned early. the ship needs to reach escape velocity and every ounce of drag needs polished off. its not just me you see its all of us. we are all of it, every feeling every action every thought and desire. we are the entire realm of good and bad right and wrong that anyone is. if someone guts a pregnant woman, I did it, if someone saves a baby from a fire, i did it. theres no separate self, no other doing these things, each of us is rewarded or punished in kind for everything. its not an either or proposition, acting good is no excuse, its a defense for the mind, not the soul. the universe is one organism never stopping never holding back. the truth is alive and expects the same from you.to be everything you must surrender everything including your limitations, your smallness, your inabilities as well as your ability to care about the results of this insanity. what is the goal, the reason you came on this ride. was it to be more of what you are or to become a completely different order of being, one the old you could never be, the truth becomes inhuman, against all possible reason, unreal, the end of me you every separation of awareness vanishes. and the crushing truth overwhelms everything. its all me, every possible thought deed feeling its all one and i am that without end. forgive them? forgive me!i knew not what anyone did until now. what fools to play such small games and lives, when we pay for everything everyone everywhere, take the ride in the biggest cruiser and play the game to the hilt, its your world, your universe, own it, or be owned by it. better to be truth then live a lie, a small lie, a lie that pays for everyones sins. if you think its not true, then you havent struggled with the truth. what is possible, what is true, anywhere in the world, is true in you right now.the same possibilities exist everywhere, the same potential to become your reality. there is no boundary to the being, and you are that, the one soul under every lying cheating murdering loving unimaginable human is the being, the source and end of all existence, the final repository of everything. how can you become that and not experience this, acceptance of all mans good and bad judgements and failings,crucifixions and resurrections. we are the son of god, suffering for everyman, paying the ultimate price for the world we created. nothing is hidden where nothing is forbidden.

im leaving constantly

 its a state of mind, a way to hold things without any grip, like the result of endless carpal tunnel syndrome on a machine shop floor, riven metal and tools scattered randomly throughout. i have no sense of wealth or prosperity, im surrounded by poverty and decay, the door leads to short-handled hoe fields of wet green rice paddies and women in shin deep water wade all day bent low from the waist, muttering and chattering between themselves like old sisters at a discount store. im excused from caring, theres no one here to do that. the worlds a lovely shade of semi-real and not. all the children play and the dogs sniff and strut across the broken pavement like landowners, their bitches laying in the shopfront shade. i make my peace with the unreal and accept all truth as it comes until theres nothing left but what i am and where that starts and ends i cant distinguish too clearly but the banyan trees look lovely and the clouds rise like a Miazaki moment on a screen of infinite proportions continually updated. i revel in the reality of my senses and sleep the wonderful dream of being. where the love goes where the heart flows where the life stops then who knows where i am, and even this simple idea gets lost in the thunder of beauty coming from everywhere.

did i mention the inability to stop this crap?

 the slow devolvement of the sense of propriety and dignity into some lower form of reptilian offshoot that hunts large black insects and sucks a foot long tongue. i feel the decline in my self to some other layer of being. the one that isnt this isnt that but sees through them all and can wear them like old t shirts and shorts. the time i spend is time spent away from myself but in close examination of what that meant, how it made things turn the way they did and become some thing like now. i dont know if this is practical but sometimes its all i can do to just be even near me. i want so much to not be. what i am and who i was both seem unreal and leave me somewhere else. not me not that but the ghost in the dream, with neither a chance of waking up or sleeping. i look at some of the good times and they seem small and some of the high times and they seem old. the real work is in here in this scant time we exist presently, everything else is gone. theres no back or to and nothing seems saved or remembered, just drained of names or feelings, i remember i had them but not what it was like. i feel off balance sometimes like the handle on the closet door is not where it should be but i reach for it anyway. the last step is gone and the light switch is missing.i go out to start my car but its not here. where was i yesterday or last week. the months are hopeless but even today is blocked off. i wander the minutes and hours like a sleuth in a bad movie coming up with clues that dont make sense of me.  i know i was there but who was i, and why did i act like someone i dont know. the truth is theres no one home and the sign on the door says, closed, death in the family. its the start of a long weekend and the river is high and wide, the parking lot is full and the beach is crowded with rubber toys and white sunburned flesh. the green water looks cool but dirty and all the ice cream is melting on my fingers. im six and rocks are burning my feet as i hop along to the  nearest beachmat, dripping white dairy freeze as i run, my eyes staring into the hot white sun and sky. the trees nest a hawk and smaller birds across the river and the redwoods grow right to shore line. im too little to jump into the dam but i swim to high side and hold a little desperate to the thick metal cable above the jimmy boards holding back the water. my feet dangle and the chin tightens to the pull of the water down the sluice gate and the white water beyond. all the older kids let go and tumble down laughing and slashing into the deep white froth. i stare transfixed at the cold wet world beneath me, dark as death and lovely as sin.

you want the truth?

i guess i thought i should at least try to write this down. I feel like if i died today that would be a good thing. i didnt do as well at my life as i like to think, my wife was probably closer to the mark than i ever was. i was selfish and egotistical, had to be right and self indulgent, i avoided real responsibility and leaned on the crutch of work to make it all right for me to say i was the victim. there was little about the 30s and 40s that i would want to brag about, drug addiction, sex addiction, self satisfaction and lies, constant lies to everyone about everything. i wanted what i wanted and didnt care who i hurt. ignored my children and wife, left her with the real job and responsibility, made myself into some kind of tyrant so i could hide behind the lies i created to shore up my secret and perverted life of drugs and sex that i could not stop. after all that ended, at least the worst of it, i continued to self medicate for another decade or two with a short hiatus of real joy in between. but i never told the absolute truth about it to anyone. i was some kind of hero but i knew it was a lie. i didnt give up my life for my family, i was so twisted up in the lie, i was living out of guilt and shame for 20 years. no relationship with my wife and mostly a stranger to my kids, and to myself. i wanted to make things right and i looked at who had done the right thing or at least seemed honest to me, there was Scot going through his self absorption getting a free pass from god and george, suddenly clean from bi polar disease from some kind of new age psychic training. I latched on to those as my obvious paths to self atonement or resurrection or some twisted up sense of making myself better without telling the real truth of why i did anything cause that would make me what i really was, a lying asshole pervert son of a bitch. And a angry one, not lovable at all. i jumped at the chance to find a born again solution that would maintain the lie, keep the false self intact while creating a new and improved person, saint or some kind of untrue good thing that didnt have any basis for existing, except my need intense need to become what i was not. somewhere in the middle of it all, it began to work and i felt i had some kind of goodness, some real love starting and some distance from that evil that i was, but that too was thrown in my face and every set back was just the universe justifying punishing me for my sins that would never be cleansed. the hole got deeper and deeper, and death was more real than life.there was no hope, no truth and no way i could ever be free. i was well on my way when my brother put out his hand and offered me a way to do one last thing, some small act of manifesting divine, as if divine would have anything to do with me. i came on board, and everything changed. between the silence and stillness and self examination, divine grace and some kind of new age miracle, i approached the reality of my untruth, though never bluntly and directly because my ego couldnt support the new me and that evil self at the same time. even when the once great love returned, the flame was gone and only the ties that cursed me remained, the why would you love me, you dont know what a horrible person i am, and oh poor me and oh what about all i did for you and you hurt me crap, when it was all a smokescreen for not telling the truth, that all my love was a cover up for all my self infatuation and selfishness that ruined my life, that no one could love or forgive. and that too was dead in me, even as my soul grew and the self dwindled, this has always been there sucker punching me in a million disguises, making me unworthy, reason for not progressing, self hate and inevitable weakness after weakness until now, i know the truth and just want to piss on myself for being such an ass and a liar. what shit and i know it. im black and white and fucked up and still cant see straight in a mirror or a meditation lamp. its all a load that i have carried and let run my entire existence into the shit pile. even now i have no way out except to say i am not strong or good or correct in any way, i live for me only and what i am doing is some kind of twisted up need to make it all ok somehow once everyone can see im some saint, but it aint happening and im not getting it done. im shit still and doing shit work, not free from ego or high awareness but a very well shaped lie that lives on the edge of self destruction. i dont know where to go with this but this is the only thing i know to do. it started when annique died and i hated everyone for letting it happen and i blamed especially me but in my weakness i wanted everyone else to take the responsibility and let me be free. but i knew they werent and i wasnt ever. i never wanted to be responsible for anyone again, but it kept happening and i hated it and it was like bitter poison for me and it made me angry that i had to play that part for love. and love became the bitterest pill, because it always carried that requirement. always. and i was angry and resentful and turned to self gratification to make it bearable for my massive ego, that couldnt stand being restrained for others. decades of this destroyed what was young and still hopeful if not brave enough to walk alone. now i am getting a couple of legs under me and if i can get a little distance from all the crutches i have collected and shoulders i cry on maybe i can start some kind of cleanup of this god awful mess ive left behind. its no beauty queen godiva but at least its a start at something that can move on its own where i could never get to.

6 weeks of necessary pressure

the kind that doesnt feel like pressure but builds in places you cant imagine or understand, and the vast emptiness sits unchanging. the being overwhelms the body. the body sits untroubled except for the illnesses that come and go like quarters of the moon, each growing or fading as determined by some greater authority, some celestial hierarchy and purpose, beyond this orbit and time. the slow pace lulls the senses into secure serenity knowing the efforts of a lifetime have passed like a hurried dream and left little for all its frenzy. The days suspend judgement and the nights pass with the elixir of drunken dreams and unconscious repair. the passivity and acceptance increase until there is almost a resistance to not resisting, a frictionless surface ripples and roughens the ride, a sense of what unexperienced acceleration is as the turbulence is sensed like an oncoming sneeze. I whisper the name of the local god and snatch up my belt, tighter now as my body has dropped its ballast in the last onset of maladies that seem destined to continue since the resistance has dropped. I speed across unmeasured distances aware only that the blackness and tiny specks of light never change.the bubble of being is beyond experience, beyond movement, only knows perfectly the rightness of endless dominion. truth prevails absolutely with no possibility of any other and emptiness is never changing. all things pass and return without ending and in the madness return to themselves unrealized. the heart can never wander but the mind is always lost. the oarsman rows on but the navigator howls at the moon. One is always safe even in the darkest storm, the loneliest night, the maddest dream is love and love is the lighthouse of truth. Follow her light and there is your path. the way is never darkened but the mind cannot see. do not worry if it is right if the heart is taking you there. Love is your guide and takes you the straightest route through, though your mind can make no sense of any of it.
I sit under the orange moon, in a land ive never known with people not of my kin and here i am as if with long lost family and friends. no fear i feel, disoriented by the differences, but the heart knows this is home, just as any place on this planet, for this is home and all are brothers and sisters with the one being, each the reflection of the light, driven mad by the inability of the mind to carry the totality of knowing, afraid to let the heart control what cant be controlled, the truth and the knowledge that come from the unexperienced being, the source of life, the well of the soul,where nothing is true and death is falseness made real.

the wind is like a crying child

 and the sky is dull and sullen.sunrise and sunset both buried in the polluted skies.some mornings are less attractive, some evenings feel like endings. whatever the time, its feeling overdone, less instead of more. im ready for the planeride, i feel the call of the path of action and home is the starting point for my journey. i walking down the inner trail yesterday, i see a small path to the left, no markings, just another way to go. i walk and it ascends, yellow and white markers, meters and meters of rock set path going higher and higher, caves are situated along the way. all the way to the top of the ridge where a man sits with his earphones staring away, unaware i am there. i look down the trail and realize it may be a long way further and decide i will come back tomorrow and try to find its destination. Pongal is approaching the week after the full moon tomorrow night. both will bring thousands of sojourners around the mountain though pongal will undoubtedly be even more crazy. i feel the definite pull to leave and wonder why not. i am done here, i am like a buoy in the ocean, bobbing and dipping in the eternal waves and wind. i feel no current no push or pull to anything here. i am adrift and empty of desire. i am used to wanting or not, needing or not but here its just wafting through foggy water clouds of existence slowly dissolving into vistas of serenity and peace. its weird, but eerily normal. life has taken a detour and its become the turnpike. i watch myself like im not really here but just occupying a mannequin, it does little and thinks less, probably the reason these posts seem so lifeless. i will explore my situatiion a little longer, but at this rate everything will have been said before too long. good luck with that and good bye.

its been a while,

 a 9 day silent retreat with get real and consecrated living programs inserted as an experiment by the long haired bespectacled incarnation force in a living form semi guru that runs things in this rag tag army of semi willing devotees and retirees. the morning here is foggy and wet enough to steam up my glasses as i roar down the multi patched and layered road that surrounds the rocky form of shiva and thiruvannamali. every day it reminds me that im here for some reason, i just dont feel it, the motivation is gone. i sit in solitude reading or just staring at the sky and rice paddies filled with glorious birds of white and blue that constantly stalk the living residents of the watery ponds. no mosquitoes here and thats amazing. i've come out of a life that required constant attention and effort to support and now it feels like im in the hammock and the biggest job is not falling out too often.i cant do what i used to and i'll never be working to keep it together for everyone anymore. now everyone is on their own and im the last man laying down watching the world out a small feeling of interest that seems to be fading as the days roll on. its not enough to notice the world going away, you have to give it a bon voyage and sing little song to keep the deckhands occupied while you slip down the gangplank and disappear into the crowd of disinterested wharf rats and coolies.somewhere i read if you just stop believing your a human being living on earth, the rest is easy. i'm getting it. its like your a ball of gas dissipating from the world, releasing into the void and becoming so diffuse theres no cohesion or shape anymore. the light is distinct against the utter blackness and the idea of shades of gray are as meaningless as the feel of solid ground. whatever i was is a dream and the dreamer is staring at the ceiling where theres no roof and the bed i was laying in has disappeared. the last thing i see before the end of my vigil is a white light so bright it ends all seeing.