what is giving

, what is it that gives, and who takes, is there some other self that must have what we cannot give? i give rupees to the beggars and sadhus, they ask they emote, they have deformities and infirmities. i see their struggle to get to take, i am the object of their desire. but i am not that, i do not feel their pain or suffering, i see only the light twisted or clear, veiled or shiny in their souls. yet i am moved to be what they ask, to dig in my pocket for that which is their need, but i feel no need. just the light. i exist as the automatic response to others, in me there is just the walking and existing, no thought but what is the traffic doing when i cross the street and yes, i imagine the bus hitting me, even as i cross in front of it.that is taking, the death the needing something so bad, i die, i stop existing, i want to be that non existent entity of myself that has no more grasping but grasps even at that last desire. to give that, to end life and end suffering in the same stroke, to imagine suffering past the result of the action yet to end it unknowingly, that is the cause of karma, to be deluded in your action, to think you have created suffering or misery, when there is only release. to see only the instant reaction and not the eternal truth that is unconsciousness born of man, that birth is the death of knowing and death is its return. i sit on the wall atop the jagged pieces of glass and know only that the body is in pain, but there is nothing i am that is that pain. i am the everlasting joy of being experiencing the ananda of existence and never dying. what is true is this is never given, never taken, only misconceived in the delusion of life.