so glibly, to be a truth teller about the world and myself. if i could only really truly understand but thats beyond my own tiniest mind. when doubt comes, when the reactions become so pronounced and the feelings unbearable, its easy to forget that love is there, its the only thing left even when i dont know it. its that person or thing or event thats doing this to me. i cannot overcome the littlest external change but i am thrust into paralyzing introspection that allows no false pride, anger then emptiness then sadness, sadness that this is still the state after everything. my vital like a mad animal, attacks and growls and offends myself so deeply i dont want to continue and then the realization theres nothing i can do but pray for some release, no matter what i do its not in my ability to get this out of me, its stuck on some samskara so deep i cannot grasp it. this powerlessness empties my reactions and only the sadness remains, the sorrow for my own weakness and incapacity for love when i need it the most. as all this increasing love comes so does what is in the way, what is left that does not surrender, and that too has to be gotten out, but all my human tools are useless now, i no longer carry the cross of blindness to myself. i see clearly i am at the feet of the Mother beseeching her intercession, and praying that she is even in this hour of darkness, here with me and this is also part of her plan for my heart to become a worthy home for her work.
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