dripping sweat,awake all night

, the atmosphere is humid and dense.spent the day traveling to a Shiva temple, called Shiva hill and there lives a Baba that is truly enlightened and also in the middle of a development that would make a Los Angeles high rise parking structure look tiny. The Baba lived in a cave at te top of a hill covered in giant granite boulders. for tens of kilometers there was nothing but gentle farmland and small villages. every full moon the folks from near and far would come to walk to the top of the hill and receive Babas blessing. a following of devotees grew around him. then one day two years ago, they decided to build an ashram around the top of the mountain. 7 stories high it encloses all of the temple, cave and top of the hill and looks like a giant parking structure in the middle of nowhere. we wandered through the debris of construction, worshipping at Ganesha and Kali and Shiva shrines. In the temple on top was a deep and wonderful Shiva that was so powerful you could barely stand in its presence. outside we saw Baba, tall and heavy hair matted and white spun around his head, wearing only a soiled loincloth, cell phone to his ear, giving darshan, we knelt reverently and he motioned it was time to eat. we went down ate some rice and then went to the bottom floor of the monstrosity and sat before his ancient cave and meditated. the energy rose from my left side and swept through me like a brilliant fire. In the space of twenty minutes i was engulfed and vibrating. my system was like an atomic reaction, in a nuclear power plant, generating force. as we drove the 130 km back i went into deep meditations awaking only when my beloved mountain came into view Arunachala Arunachala, my beloved Shiva AUM NAMAH SIVAYAH.

3am, morning is awaiting the death

of all form. its not that i cant write, its that writing is so insufficient. when miracles occur, the mind can truly not comprehend the perfection of the universe and all its permutations. i sit sipping tea made from tulsi leaves blessed at the Vishnu temple mixed with the guru water from the mountain, my heart is expanded to not only hold all of Arunachala and India, but all the Gods of the God plane and the unending blessings of the Undying Being that is without any description yet is all and beyond all. recently returned from a 30 hour stay on the top, sitting in the Shiva cave, chanting, meditating, completely drenched in the force of being concentrated and compressed to its infinite vibration, expanding only as the soul descends to the world below and then returns the tiny self to its infinite source. The heart expands in all directions in unending force and frequency stretching the little self to infinite proportions. there is only the flashing light and the sonorous chant of OM pulsing through the universal being, in this light i am and become aware and conscious and the unending waves of ANANDA flow and grow and increase in unending pain pleasure force that is the self experiencing eternity and finite being simultaneously. where the heart flows the waters of love pour and never end, i am magically all and one and free to be that always, the nervous system encompasses everything gently and ecstatically, feeling everything now. what is this tiny bit left here, the self from the life unlived, is shaken and left behind. what is left is beyond description.

barefoot, orange dhoti, head smeared

 with tilak, in ecstasy, walking through evening in Tiru before the night of the celebration of Shivaratri, the anniversary of Shiva's lingham manifestation, and or the marriage of Shiva to Parvati. Whatever the reason, its a wonderful celebration and the air is thick with the joy and excitement. Jyoti and I shop through all the small vendors crowded around the temple, gathering fruits and flowers and pooja supplies for tomorrow. He tells me, tomorrow you do Shiva Pooja. well im a bit nervous having never done anything like this before, but i am definitely going native and this is no place to stop. The one who performs the pooja is the receiver of the gifts of Shiva and im asking for the big one, liberation which is my freedom , the destruction of the prison, built by Brahma, maintained by Vishnu and destroyed by Shiva, let this be my independence day. the temple of the mountain Arunachala that Jyoti sustains and keeps alive in his Master Baba's absence, is simple in a cave and every item has been carried up the arduous rocky trail that ascends almost straight up the mountains steepest side, directly behind the massive 2000 year old Arunachaleswarar temple in downtown Tiruvannamalai. The true home of Shiva, though, is not in the massive temple but the mountain it sits next to, and that mountain top cave is the very center of the intense vibration of force that literally burns through all those who live and breathe around it. i have found the highest of the high and the purest of the pure and i am blessed beyond measure and look forward to the steep climb before the sun rises and the joy and love this day will bring.

find the beginning of desire

 and you will find its end. the source of wanting, the longing, the need, the lack and loss all are the ego knowing its own limited nature, the true source of which is the eternal, immeasurable being that inhabits all. in the act of self awareness the self must desire to be aware, to know itself, beyond its limitations and needs. that desire, the one of the self to be the Self, becomes everything in all things, to be, to live, to know, to experience is the being awakened, and in finding that, one is released forever from the cycle of desire and frustration, anger and self doubt. the truth as man knows it is faulty, the world is not ephemeral or without a heart. all things collaborate to bring everything alive, for the pleasure of the inner Self, the matchless creator and enjoyer. we bring our offerings, small and large, and before that, there is no difference all are the makings of mans imagination, the unlimited nature of the mind to imagine anything and everything and bring to the Supreme our greatest gift, our self, and offer that fully and with every possibility explored and manifested. to know what limits us and what frees the heart to let the soul become the vehicle of our life,  lived only for the divine truth of Union and Oneness and Love. Where ever the Being rests all is a garden and unending delight, where the children of the Being are free to create everything and destroy all that is for the hope, the dream, the possibility, of being the One True Being in all.

unlike before, the experience

has no words. all i can tell you is that purity of thought deed action in the presence of a master is the path to supreme devotion and completion in the union of perfect love with love in the forms that beings inhabit. one who has no ego can bring the surrendered being to that state. the very demonstration beyond teaching or writing or lecturing, is everything. the act of giving, doing, being without self, to only perform the seva and sacrifice beyond knowing, to have given up exactly what is being sought, that in its perfect truth, brings one to deepest devotion. the heart surrenders its own thoughts its own beating, its own sorrows and drowns in the ocean of the immeasurable self that exists without limits in the service of all. what simple life contains the greatest light and all who see it shine glow as the light itself glows and there is only the smile and the ease of being with the soul that sings Be Happy to each parishioner and petitioner to each sorrow and incompletion, to every heart that walks in the souls of all and brings forth the struggle of every persons mortality, there is the smiling child lover mother father beloved that holds and lets go singing Be Happy, all days are the days of joy and you too are the child of the being awaiting your return.

theres just me left

, the end of me, the parts that wont unwind or delouse. i want to rip it out but it needs the gentle touch of love and mothers grace. its all the one me, the one that is eventually not any part of me but everything, the everything that is the nothing and then the truth and the realization of unmeasuableness, that solidity and size and shape that has no extremities or edges or other to touch, so doesnt exist within the smallness of the mind, the measuring stick of life, the keeper of the differences and distances and determinations of our life. i want something and it tells me where when what how and there is no questioning what it says because i can see its true, the sky is blue the earth green the trees brown and i would not have it any other way, but where i am going the world is a gas in the unending emptiness, the manifest undreamed in the heart of emptiness or at least indeterminate being existing unawares of external existence. beyond knowing, the poets reign and we become the things of myth and lore, the exploration of the hero's journey and the chalice of unspeakable price, for who we are is a magic game and it never becomes clear the end of that and the beginning of this but we dance in that unknowable splendor for eternities, learning the ways of the masters and the undiscovered principles that cannot be taught. have patience and be in love until i can succumb to its divine seduction that takes away all things for the one thing that is all.

the light of the moon spectral

and half above the early signs of life, the orange and sodium lit bulbs scattered through the village buildings.i stare at the dark outline of Arunachala, i will never see it the same again, the lord of the mountain has touched me and i will forever be pulled, half of me is there now, with Jyoti, staring out from the top of the world at the same stars but so much more reachable from there. i am lifted and taken a flow of divine energy from that tiny topmost hut and cave and rocks and monkey treed home, and know that the morning salutations and pujas are even now being prepared, chants begun and 3 hours will continue, everyday for 20 years and to me was given the gift of his darshan and grace, his gurus blessing his eternal love. what am i in this play of the universes and all the glory of god and kings and saints. i feel so small and grateful to be able to experience even a moment of the indescribable purity of this mountain and Shiva's grace. the universe keeps sending me love messages and directions and i unknowing keep receiving them and going as a fool without a care would, stumbling upon the truth and delighting in the magic that never ceases and envelopes me like the very stuff of love and life and natural joy that is the reward for whatever i have done and can hope to do. in faith i come and with joy i become whatever the light would show me.

what answered prayer

what answered prayer more than light blessed upon me, the sheer intensity of being and love, the destruction of the unknowing prison and the freedom of endless truth love ananda. i am that now and cannot be denied the power of my heart and the message of the universe calling me, Jyoti Mountain! what joy in that voice and what pure delight to hear him, knowing he has what little i could give and the love of his simple being. I am bathed and washed baptised and brought back from the caves of sweet cool breezes and ten years laboring to bring the home of Shiva more, light, more space, more love, all is Shiva, and the words such hot madness now upon me, as we returned and the heat of my head and the body explodes and from inside my heart and soul and body all become the light all shining everywhere. what is this force that cannot be felt or touched bu invades unresisted from the yogi with golden eyes the heat of his herbs and touch and what yogi for 20 years the devotee of the guru on the mountain, one raw and rangy youth flies from top to bottom and returns to take us upon his world and set us free with his love and caring and trust. we are children of the children, in pure blinding light born anew and freed from pain and strife tonight as still the force flows through us from the very home of Shiva!

there is no winning,

its just how the game is played, we are built to fail, until we give up. the stronger the ego the longer we play. once you give up its a short road, the way is clear. like death, giving up is final. there's no more success or failure, good or bad, just surrender. it looks like defeat,but its actually the name of the game. the ego loses its power to motivate you, there's no prize anymore, the idea that something can be done is over.i dont have the answer, no one does, its all illusion, even the truth is a concoction the ego feeds on to keep you in control. someone else is the answer, or maybe your the answer, it doesnt matter because theres no question anymore. the whole game is ended because the ball is gone. there's no goal to make or run to score, the idea there was even a game is gone. what is left is the part you couldnt understand, the letting go of letting go. im not the expert here, this should be called egoment chronicles because its just what the ego wants, more stuff more ideas, more casting in the dark because that keeps you busy and occupied, anything but ending, being done, sat down finished over kaput. let go of anything, everything, everybody, anybody, its all a dream of a fool and the end of dreaming but theres no one to wake up.

Humility and gratitude

Humility and gratitude, the towers of devotional surrender, that which is greater than ourselves and allows the walls of the ego to fall. the blessing of the divine through the manifestation in human form can be liberating, unearthly, dreamlike, passionate and blissful. whatever we have wanted this exceeds our dreams and hopes. the world becomes the true playground of the lover finding the one beloved that exceeds all others and includes all others. there is the end of seeking and it becomes the truth beyond all knowledge to be in that grace only. in loves complete surrender we are brought to our true nature and made whole, one with the object of desire. what resistance there is cannot survive the deluge of the heart, the pain of separation, the moments that seem unbearable to not be in the presence of that unending grace. i imagine there is eventually the attainment of perfect grace that becomes the oneness and all things cease to be the other, and then the devotion, the love, the separation forever are ended even as the life divine begins. to become that which you are devoted to is the ultimate state, beyond which there is only unending expression and manifestation of all the divine will and presence. that comes without any human nature or ego no sense of self or doing, what becomes is the living state of being in a body but not of this human plane. an embodiment of the universal transmitting divine force throughout the creation.

my extreme sensitivity is painful

 when im confronted with my own reactions. to not feel connected or even want to be connected, feels like death and the end of wanting to live. To me without some connection to the absolute in everyone, theres no life, its a phony feeling, a hurt where there should be a joy. i want to love everyone, but i want them to not be unmindful of their own actions consequences. When they arent and it repeats and repeats the connection is broken, by me. i cant feel it anymore, i go into my pain. what is it in the irresponsibility of others that hurts so much, i know i want to be seen as just the same as them, how i treat each person i want to also be treated, is that unnatural?unspiritual? what is spiritual? theres no meaning to it it doesnt hold any answers, its just everyones catchall for anything they want to believe. where is the truth in spiritual, in the heart, theres no words, no books or behaviors that are there, but everyone thinks its some special, equanimity, perfect acting way to be, and i say its being real down to the dirt in the gut that makes the pain feel bad. its the honesty and the humility of knowing theres no right way to do this. its just a hard road, that becomes the only way and theres no stopping once your rolling down the hill.

i just dont want to be around anyone

, at least anyone i know. its like they all have some need some desire that they need me to take care of or approve of or just accept in them as they take whatever they can and accept no responsibility themselves. I hate to be put in that position with everyone, like i am supposed to wake them up but they dont want to be anything but asleep, but they demand it from everyone else, that everyone else be aware of them , fully responsible for any imagined slight from any other, always accusing and imagining what someone else might have done or is planning to do to them. but thats the whole problem, everyone is doing nothing to anyone, they all do it to themselves, just as i do, but i notice, it doesnt happen when they are not around, i have no feelings about anyone until their energy gets in my face, then it becomes just the truth of what i see and i want to be away from it, i prefer the honesty of thieves to the dullness of the self absorbed children. whatever they want they take and whatever they have is precious and never shared unless you are made fully aware of their great sacrifice and kindness. what is it i am lost in here, i look at death as a wonderful way to be free, or at least a cave where it feels like death, away from everything disconnected from the hurts and fears everyone has, everyone parades their special triumph and glorifies mediocrity until it becomes a dirge and a funeral of awareness a mockery of truth and theres no escape as long as anyone is around. i know its in me that all this takes place its a projection that lives in my brain, my consciousness, but its also the pain i feel being everyones favorite sucker, the guy they think doesnt know what they are really up to. its the obviousness of the ego in every situation, in every beings personality that strikes me, the lack of awareness of others as well as of themselves that seems so infantile and lost in the world they live in which seems to be inhabited by no  one but themselves.

The samadhi of Ramana Maharshi

The samadhi of Ramana Maharshi is wonderful. The meditation at his side clear and powerful, like a direct current of the divine force. I sat and in a moment was in my own samadhi, backpack tumbled on the floor, my head hanging, collapsed with the energy. I am shaken by my brother who leads me trance like to the next chamber, the temple room, voices and instruments are singing like angels and i go in and sit entranced and bewitched. I am in the center of the room and hundreds are around me, singing Shiva Shiva Shiva Arunachala. i am in tears as the mountain i have been walking everyday, exploring and loving is praised in such beautiful voices.I look and see enlightened masters in the room and all is bliss and perfect love. Mooji and his close circle are next to me and i feel waves of joy. all is the rejoicing of the spirit. As the singing ends i lift up and walk to the streets of the busy little Ramana section of town and make my way unsteadily to the inner trail, and begin my chant Om Namah Shivaya, but now it comes different more perfect and phrased in one breath, and my pace and my breath synchronize as i walk around the holy mountain, i am in the place of direct connection with the force of Shiva and the unending power of the truth. i feel only joy and energy as i quickly walk the 5 km back and join the evening meditation with the group. I am home oh Arunachala.

the idea of the world

the idea of the world as the only place in the universe where we exist is becoming outmoded, we exist everywhere like the vapor of existence boiling off every iota of god light that is the universal building material. all is imagined and then created from the light of the supreme beings emanation. the force of presence and being creates the light that is fundamental to the creative force. we are not limited by it but nothing else exists in this manifestation. we cannot imagine another existence but this and awareness rides on the light that infuses everything. love is that light connected to the supreme. never ending and always connecting to all the waves that surround and inhabit this existence. you cannot be separated from light or love, each is what you are and you have never known anything else. yet we are veiled to the light, cut off from love, in the mind, the mind can imagine anything, even the impossible. it can create scenarios that could never exist and make you think they are real. that is why it is so important to stop the mind, to end thinking, to clear the palette of your beliefs so that what you really are can be experienced. we are not the separate self, thinking constantly to maintain the sense of isolation and struggling for control over imagined patterns of behavior that are in response to total fictions the mind is the author and publisher of and you its biggest fan. we begin to believe the stories it weaves, the passion plays and painful turns of events, we imagine there are others who share this world, but we are all alone and always know it. the truth is waiting behind the veil of thought and the feelings running rampant as desperate thoughts clutch and grab at out heart and vital emotions. there is no end to the imagination for good or bad, for better or for worse, we run and hide but the bogeyman waits inside, knowing when the coast is clear is the perfect time to strike.

what is giving

, what is it that gives, and who takes, is there some other self that must have what we cannot give? i give rupees to the beggars and sadhus, they ask they emote, they have deformities and infirmities. i see their struggle to get to take, i am the object of their desire. but i am not that, i do not feel their pain or suffering, i see only the light twisted or clear, veiled or shiny in their souls. yet i am moved to be what they ask, to dig in my pocket for that which is their need, but i feel no need. just the light. i exist as the automatic response to others, in me there is just the walking and existing, no thought but what is the traffic doing when i cross the street and yes, i imagine the bus hitting me, even as i cross in front of it.that is taking, the death the needing something so bad, i die, i stop existing, i want to be that non existent entity of myself that has no more grasping but grasps even at that last desire. to give that, to end life and end suffering in the same stroke, to imagine suffering past the result of the action yet to end it unknowingly, that is the cause of karma, to be deluded in your action, to think you have created suffering or misery, when there is only release. to see only the instant reaction and not the eternal truth that is unconsciousness born of man, that birth is the death of knowing and death is its return. i sit on the wall atop the jagged pieces of glass and know only that the body is in pain, but there is nothing i am that is that pain. i am the everlasting joy of being experiencing the ananda of existence and never dying. what is true is this is never given, never taken, only misconceived in the delusion of life.

you remember that old beatles song

, the love you take is equal to the love you make, they saw a universe populated by beings of light exchanging love energy, all in harmony and balance, and i will say this is absolutely true on the astral plane of existence. i have been there and done much learning at the feet of the divine helpers of the humans in waiting. we all are waiting but only those preparing for the journey get special education, yes the inevitable short bus for the spiritually handicapped. no one is perfect i think the saying goes, but some are more ready, and as we are they come to see if we can withstand the divine energy that is needed to expand the system and experience the force of love-awareness-truth consciousness. i know its kind of dr. bronnersih and soap bottles non withstanding, we are all on the trajectory to expand beyond the limitations of human awareness.right now there is a huge wave of energy pushing through the cosmos
releasing vast amounts of expansive force and universal joy.the age of abundance is actually beginning, finding the truth brings greater satisfaction with our experience of what is and a greater tolerance for expanded awareness and love in all situations. i  know you will be the honest soul you are whoever you are with, because its in our relationships that we see ourselves, bright and shiny or old and dull. ive been a little liberal with the polish and rag but i have lots of funky shit still coming up inside, but the difference is im less identified with it,more apt to catch myself as its happening and able to let it go. its easy to be small and think that way but to really become the fullness of who i am there has to be the sense of ultimate responsibility for the universe and every soul i am in its creation. this is mine and not someone playing a cosmic joke except when i realize that i am the ultimate joker, but what i feel is truth always for every blade of grass and every heart that hopes to become what is beyond imagining and what dreams may come i would let them be free.
your heart has no limits, let love shine from you and through you for we are what we create and all the times we chose not to be can be forgotten should we just choose now to love.
when the time is right, we will share everything again, for this is not the first sail we have shared or the last across this sea of dreams. love love love love is all we need

you live in the wealth of love

, your unaware of its bounty, all things you have asked for are given, this life, the souls you travel with, the very air you breathe, nothing is withheld. you have taken it all as a child takes his toys and have found the contentment of old age, it becomes a long and slow process to wait for the end that is surely yours. not in the sense that there is anything to lose now that you have it, but that your holding on means you cannot open your hands to the new gifts waiting for you. i tell you sir, that the experience of divine force is like no other drug and it is free as the air and sends only the next life, the final realization, the ultimate expression of human consciousness. I can only point to the long love soaked days of youth, was there a more life changing experience, in terms of how you view everything, with the present up front and the creator of all right there experiencing the universe he both creates and inhabits. i tell you, this is making those experiences real in my life now, reuniting with my original intent which was always further into the truth of what i am, regardless of the world and its definite illusions, none is greater than happiness and none more effective than pain, yet all is our own creation, the matrix had it wrong, we sit in the cocoon, but we play our own movies. and there is no battery charger stuck to our brains. its much more loving, since we are the one and the one treats us all as the children we are. sure, your not even seeing how the universe loves you,its hard times every day, but i say all is given for your work performed, for the things accomplished in all your lives and for all the children playing in the fields of life, the playground where truth is whatever you can hold onto. but thats the childs version, the universe gives all and has such a blessing to bestow, its you wanting you to wake up and feel connected, to everything, the juice of what you are is majestic, not small, not protected, because there is nothing to protect from. what we do in this life is without a doubt, living the illusion, the separateness of everything. i found the truth waiting inside me, not outside and its no big deal, youve got it all i just want you to actually experience what that means, before you remove yourself to the astral and causal planes and start all over again, perhaps in less easygoing surroundings. oh and i was wondering, is there anything needed for reservations there, cause when i come, im taking you with me. i just want to be sure the universe is open.

time to be moving

time to be moving
i'm feeling unable to do so
the concept of action seems so remote
i sit and nothing exists for me
only for the interaction of the divine and the human
whatever the levels of existence or awareness
the movement is devotion and grace
aspiration simply measured through preparation
one awaits the moment of connection
the possibilities unknown before this life emerge
as love completes all so am i granted everything needed
and become what is always waiting
ever patient being
silent messenger and delight of all that is
wonders unceasing within create me
and i am nothing
connected i am you
you the eternal unchanging oneness
without connection
yet connected in everything
unmanifest before creation
requiring only my acknowledgement
to undo the sins forever wanting
longing for release

Integrity means harmony

between the outside world and the inner world, that the life within supports the life in the physical plane and vice versa. The Astral world above the mental and vital and physical, cannot tolerate any disharmony, when you too become attuned to this relationship, integrity becomes paramount for the maturity of the journey, for it is in the higher realms that we become tutored in the ways of the spirit and are introduced to the being that is within and creates all that we imagine is without. the real learning within is in the astral body that is undergoing the education and experiences unavailable to the human physical and mental. these are the arena of the ego, and are not easily swayed from their set course and duties. so the beings from the astral plane descend to this world and take on the task to help, to work with the deluded beings and those with the aspiration with the love and devotion, with the performance of right actions, demonstrate that they are prepared for the knowledge and grace that they use as teaching tools. Once you begin astral school, you have to start living by the rules of integrity in all things, the world within begins to reshape the world without, instead of the other way around as it has been for most of your life. The job changes, the relationships are renegotiated, the friends become just people, the world a toy box made for children but no longer where you spend your time, you are now in the phase of growing up, and the things of a child are put away. education is a matter of opening yourself to that which brings more light and love into your life, your heart, your work. you create an intention that carries you through all your decisions. you begin to undo the samskaras of lifetimes. Samskaras are the key decisions we make that affect how we relate to our live and others for large portions of our lives. when we are just babies we create fear samskaras that we take through life, when we get older we create samskaras that control ourselves and others, strengthening the hold of the ego, at each juncture when we are faced with a decision to let more love in or to be right, to do what we know is positive yet we choose the negative, then the samskaras are created and fortified over and over. IT is only through integrity in all things that we can start to dissolve these in our current life and go beyond, literally to a new order of existence.

the divine works to take us beyond ourselves

, our idea of separate self, our belief of limitation, to the reality of being, where everything is the source and nothing is the force that drives through the manifesting connection between the two domains the realms that can never be one but in you they become that. the paradox is instilled in the creation to allow a constant flow of energy between the realms and leave the opening where you can fall through and see the truth beyond all. its the crack in the universe, the hole in the center of space, the timelessness of being. when universes open, the creator force allows anything to be. there is no logic or limit to existence, only the adherence to the internal laws imposed for that creation. but once you fall into the crack, the laws dissolve as the stuff of the creation is revealed. Its the being that touches all the god light and vibrations that devolve into all creation. through the connection to the god light all things exist, if you are able to see and touch this supreme power that creates all,you control all existence and overrule any petty natural laws that support he manifestation and the illusion of matter. you become that which is beyond the universes, the universal beings, the universal laws, all devolve from the power of the being. as you release the tiny self, the egoic habits of thought and slavery to karma, you exist in that force, your consciousness penetrates the astral plane, sees the work that is done to bring forth the human systems and shine the higher light upon their awareness, and then the being evolves past the astral perfection and exists in the causal plane where the Divine allows the creator forces to manifest all possible existences and the being becomes the multiple levels of manifesting forces and energetic light. beyond this plane the being reigns as the supreme force beyond the manifest and is beyond knowing and can only become through the passage of the evolution of all the planes of existence.

i sit in my room atop

 my bed deep in the energy that flows from spiritual connection, the grace of shiva and love. it rivets me to the pillows, and i feel the weight and force through my crown chakra. there is no other feeling more satisfying. it becomes my entire awareness and experience. the flow of pure connection from the divine through me. i do not walk, think talk, all is forgotten in this.I contemplate that which connects me to the divine, the awareness and love the complete surrender i am feeling, the work, money, family home all are things so distant i care nothing what happens with them. its like a dream i wake from and they are the wisps of the memories of last nights wanderings.Now in the instant of grace, all else is banished and the world is focused behind the closed eyes beneath the focused intellect and above the open heart. i see the universe of energy with my eyes closed, the upper chakras open, the 4th expanding to touch the entire universe, connecting to love, the 5th the seat of the intelligence, silent waiting for the signal, the 6th the psychic, perceiving a world of astral beings and their strict adherence to spiritual principles and actions. The 7th receives the grace connecting to the divine intent and manifestation in the higher planes, the causal realm of creation and forces that cannot be imagined only experienced outside the body. i am that experience and while i sit, i am no longer in the flesh but rather in the astral body, easily moving into alignment with the divine manifestation of light and grace.

i wake up and see the darkness

surrounding me, i feel the breath of my soul still breathing my dream, the unreality i am in and washing away the last vestiges of what has been my reality all night. before i awake completely it still asks me not to go, to stay longer. i whisk it away like cobwebs and let this life in, the place and sense of self thats so expanded so untied to what bed i am in or name i carry this time. its too much to remember sometimes but i do it by long and constant practice. i want only to be that which has no place or time or name but exists independent of all my realities, the darkness of meditation, the last frame of reference swings and drops like a brick into the nothingness. what is this blackness that like a thundering river carries all away. i come to this world seeking freedom, at first for some personal belief, then from the beliefs. then its not even freedom but accordance and alignment. all freedom has its necessary vices, the requirements of love and life become too great to bear without the freedom to act in accordance with every truth and principle the spiritual being entails. to act without thought or to demonstrate the human impulses becomes too painful for the heart to bear. the passage into awareness carries a price, the truth of principle and love. wherever this is not the spirit recedes and withers.you lose the ability to act out of accordance, the light must always be on always shining on every thought deed or plan, all is the work of divine or it doesnt work and becomes the very pain of life and not loves reward.

trouble is the formation of the giant stalactites

 on the roof of consciousness, the lime and scale deposits that look so amazing and represent the accretions of endless eons of unmoving patience and stillness. these are the length of existences, the yogamaya cycles, the knowingless state that waits for its discovery and hopes for nothing. oblivious, the outer life rushes on recycling endless reasons and deathless passions. a graveyard of excitement reels around squashing the unprepared and carrying the rest to their certain dooms. the funhouse rides and the end of the night explode and crash into the crush of the dawn and the responsibilities pushed up the endless mountains. each steep cliff bearing billions of heaving and wretched souls, forcing the weight of their lives upward to the certain crushing result. as they roll back down with certain swiftness and pain, the world breathes its sigh of relief, for none can know the emptiness or the accumulated karmas lashing their souls to the stones. in all of this what is truth, the letting go of the rock, the running away and screaming in empty madness this cant be real until it stops and the heart sees that nothing matters even the so called realities are empty promises and no one ever gets away from the end or the beginning. the whole setup is a facade of trickery and cheat. the heart is pumped full of drama and souless conceits. all is lost and cannot be revealed for that is the heretic dancing in the fire and the darkness knows no face  but fear. to run and hide in the cave, under the hanging pendulous formations and wait, until the rest can join  sit and empty the soul until there is no waiting.

the soundless terrain

, invisible in the darkness, just as featurless in the light. i am not here or anywhere, theres no place to find myself in. its not here that i am or any one place. its the ocean of being and the realization of truth, where is the air, where is space, time sits in dali's masterpeice folded like damp washcloths, i unseat the emperor of me. what lingers is the posters on the walls and sign bearing his slogans, but the roads are empty now, the wagons of war dissolved and missing in inaction, undoing, memoryless measurements of meanings lost, the woken sleep no more and the death of life is the beginning of freedoms flatness and foreverness, like a space that has forgotten its place, but wanders in eternity without a clock.love is here, in a sudden rush of liquid heat that flushes the senses. i reach the tip of a pointed rock and see  sawing gaze across a trackless vista. everything is everywhere, not in one giant thing like it was at first but more like an endless supermarket aisle stretching down and down and down, its all there and here i feel nothing about the products, all repackaged goods all made from the same goo of the universal life force, smeared and molded and lit with colors and excitement that has no real emotion. the path becomes the world wide jungle, humans birthplace and cauldron of life, i feel the enveloping pulse and push of the primitive seeking and fearing triumph and loss without end. play on sweet musical masterpiece the songs of existence crash into the wall of awareness and fall silently into the struggling sea of reborn samskaras and murderous fears. something shifts the world into a whispering wind through the blades of grass waiting for the footsteps of some enlighened being some false god or creature that would trod upon them and sing like a fairy lost in the night. whatever this is, it seeks only madness for there is nothing here to hold it aright.

yesterday it was rock bottom

, today i could float on a breeze. the universe is picking me up quicker now, i move through my stuff with greater clarity and honesty, i know when to ask for help and when to just ask for grace. some of this stuff is so intense you cant hold it without radioactive gloves on. i had the best day today, discovering close up photography on the side of Shiva's mountain. i took my trusty blackberry and set the option to close up and just started to discover what close up really means. its seeing the little things, the tiniest details and looking at the intricate perfection of all of natures beauty. there is nothing that is not attended to. each tiny plant and vine and bush and tree sends out its most lovely aspect, some as tiny as a wish on the most distant star and others with a bravado that speaks of centuries of assurance and health. all the jungle is alive and the mountain holds it close to its watery channels. I found the secret path through the thick vines and boulders, the thorns and overhanging branches clinging , but i have learned their ways and only brought back one scratch after 4 hours of rough hiking. The waterfalls and pools are mostly dry now but they must be magnificent in the rain, 4 foot deep ponds and giant waterfalls over huge boulders, i see the open rock work of their structures, the sandy bottoms of the deepest pools. Its magical here and i cant wait to penetrate even further next time. Om Namah Shivaya!

time to eat the words that i speak

 so glibly, to be a truth teller about the world and myself. if i could only really truly understand but thats beyond my own tiniest mind. when doubt comes, when the reactions become so pronounced and the feelings unbearable, its easy to forget that love is there, its the only thing left even when i dont know it. its that person or thing or event thats doing this to me. i cannot overcome the littlest external change but i am thrust into paralyzing introspection that allows no false pride, anger then emptiness then sadness, sadness that this is still the state after everything. my vital like a mad animal, attacks and growls and offends myself so deeply i dont want to continue and then the realization theres nothing i can do but pray for some release, no matter what i do its not in my ability to get this out of me, its stuck on some samskara so deep i cannot grasp it. this powerlessness empties my reactions and only the sadness remains, the sorrow for my own weakness and incapacity for love when i need it the most. as all this increasing love comes so does what is in the way, what is left that does not surrender, and that too has to be gotten out, but all my human tools are useless now, i no longer carry the cross of blindness to myself. i see clearly i am at the feet of the Mother beseeching her intercession, and praying that she is even in  this hour of darkness, here with me and this is also part of her plan for my heart to become a worthy home for her work.

trust and complete love

, the recipe for a simple life without worry or stress, the place where miracles flow and magic dances. there are no expectations and everything is accepted just for what it is. its recognition and realization, the true self and the manifestation everywhere. suddenly theres nothing that can be out of place because you re in everything, it is your creation and made into the fabric of love that weaves the world and all its unbelievable richness. i find there is a feeling in me one that hears every bird and feels the air and the sun come gently covering and holding me in its light warm presence. i become that light and the world becomes the holder of the light and all is the play of light. i become everything a flower of the earth bathed in the sunlight, drenched in the love that flows through the whole creation, molding and gently guiding every part to its return. we are all the parts becoming the whole, the being undivided, the swirl of the galaxies in the rich chocolate of the universe. we are the everything and cannot understand our role in the tiny bodies that are meant to contain the part of our awareness that knows separation, that is a part apart from that which is all we are. for that too is part of everything and there is more, so much more for us to share. we come together to know ourselves, its only through the other that we can be made real. our small selves feel the lack the emptiness that only a part can know.through this we are brought to the being eternal and ancient that has been ourselves forever and now knows its every self. in you the unknown is made known, the emptiness and realization that fills it. this moment is forever and this world the expression of all love.

my hat has become a growth on my head

 It has a life of its own, like a mushroom or interesting fungus that has spread across the area that used to have hair. it has a simple "Hawaii the Big Island" logo with a patch showing 3 palm trees. But now you can barely make out the dark trees on what used to be a white background, now deeply colored by many applications of mountain climbing sweat in the hot and humid sun. it looks as though someone poured oil across the forehead region of the once white brimmed cap. in the back, the efficient metal two part clasp that enabled the one size fits all band to be tightened or shortened has lost half of its clasping mechanism and so the back strip of material now is run through the metal banded opening on the back and tied in a very tight knot,right at the limit of the strip and above it is the half clasp with its forky teeth sticking straight up. The hat is made of thick tough material, not a lightweight one with webbing but solid around except for the opening for the tightening strip on the back, where my ponytail some day will swing from. there are four small metal airholes around the side's circumference, for air to move in and out, hardly, but overall its a good hat, aged, well made, and it was only two dollars new at the hilo hatties on the big island when i was there 3 years ago. Being me  i recognized its potential and bought two immediately and they played tag team for over two years until one ended up left in a doctors office during one of my interminable examinations. since then this one, the survivor, has been my constant companion and doing well, thanks. Its been stolen and washed a couple of times, but in a few days you really cant tell, and now pretty much no one wants to touch it. So yes, its a man's hat and i love it and dearly wish it to be in the box with me when the time comes.

you get the letter, the notice, the news

, its what you feared the most and then its done. whatever that moment is, it hits you, theirs an energy there catching you off guard even though you knew from the beginning this day would come. what is happening the roll of the wheel moves in its unstoppable motion and your name came up. now who are you, the one who complains and blames, the one who cries and feel the victim, the one who is solid in his sense of being and has only a brief wonderment and then acceptance.well that brief moment took a day, but i was walking through sadhu lane, amongst the orange robed renunciates, passing out rupees to the beggars and thinking, And im complaining about my lot in life, the little tragedy that has ever touched me, the thought of poverty almost unheard of, starvation? whats that? i think i can survive this, the healthy body, wealthy life, privilege for all my years, i can take a little less and make it last longer. its funny i dont really think in terms of it affecting me, but all those that rely on me, their welfare, its not me im concerned.about. so what is it, the sense of letting others down, their reactions, they dont want to be affected any more than i do, but they dont know how to hold it, that the universe has plans for me, even as i am getting golden and grey, theres still a purpose and a bright light all shining on me, the play is still on and i get to see what mother universe has written in my role. whatever it is im ready to try it on after all its all make believe even when you believe it.

its night, the air is crawling

with bugs, not bad ones just lots of them, i mean every once in while i slip my foot in my sandal and theres a 5 inch black critter covered with green polka dots thats like poisonous but in a good way i hear, its said if this creature bites you, you will definitely reach enlightenment, before or after you die im not sure. the night air is filled with the music of the frogs and dogs and pollywogs, though you cant really hear the pollys, but they are there in the rice paddies. the cows are laying down or sleeping on their feet, nice trick, easier with four i guess. the roads here generally quiet at night with the occasional, and louder for it, horns going off. the connector road to the bigger cities is a kilometer away so theres heavy truck traffic during the week, but the weekend is here and its a bit lighter. today was death of the scooty, no reason, brand new, the electrical quit at night, had to kick start it and drive with no lights back from meditation, and not any meditation. I was in a trance state all day 8 hours, powerful energies descending, disconnected from my body, so it was kind of like being in a kite attached to the handlebars and driving from there, wheeeeee! my passenger was a little freaked as the giant trucks roared at us in the dark and we with no headlights in the glare driving blind as deaf bats hoping no dogs, people, carts, bikes whatever is in our path. but i felt nothing, unaffected by any idea we could have a wreck or anything could happen to this bubble of perfect motion filled with divine reckoning speeding through the warm night air madly loving the world and the void of black carpet before us.

sometimes i put so much pressure on myself

i think me will go away and never come back, and then sometimes, i get lucky and me doesnt. what im afraid of is that me will return and pretty much always does. but for a little while me is gone and theres this beautiful sense of serenity and flow, understanding and complete devotion to love and joy. who is it that comes, that is me but isnt i, thats such a pain to have to deal with, the one with the lies and laziness and desires and needs that seem like a constant litany of complaints and preferences that add nothing to my aliveness, that wants to suck the joy out of every minute so it can be unsatisfied and calculating the next possible pride laden action that will gain a few seconds of self righteousness. i wouldnt hang out with me if i wasnt stuck with me. theres a point when me gets done and i get a little rest, maybe even for minutes at a time, but then its back to the future or stuck in the past until its like being on a yo-yo and im practically sick from the spinning and bouncing. in fact it seems like even when he's sleeping the dog, hes got something even crazier planned, like resurrection of all the old imagined hurts that those who should appreciate him more have perpetrated on me. i spin and fall and lurch around in this haunted mausoleum waiting for someone to die, either me or myself or maybe its i, cause i dont know sometimes it seems like theres more than two of us here.

to know you are indispensable

to know you are indispensable with the only part of life that is necessary for you,  the only place and with the only truth and love that means anything, in all of existence, and to be held like a baby when you feel worthless and to cry without restraint for that touch, then you know love, to be free of all that and know it is still perfectly there, then you know truth. or i do or think i do what can you say about truth except its changes with my state, what is true for the human, is false for the realized being, what is true for the realized being is false for the supreme, and what is truth for the supreme is beyond my state now and so all things become love for someone who realizes what truth becomes. a way of holding this entire thing, this overwhelming vastness and creation, existing and not existing. i see the totality reflected in me and in the faces of children and the elders and women and the men proud and sad, i know all of their faces and have no idea why, yet they seem so dear, in all their bound and determined lives, bringing the truth with them as best they can and i feel what burdens they carry. yet i am none of this and everyone of them is the part of me that looks for truth not in the world and not in the lies that bind every soul to the suffering that pride bears like a cross of iron and a crown of despair.i want to set all of that free in me and set each and every one on that path of freedom, so the broken dreams are become the sweetness of seeing for the first time the opening of the heart to infinite love.

i fear no evil greater than myself

. I am that and have no end to living. what terrors can there be to the deathless soul. never trapped in the fist of fear, the throes of the suffocating ending. my least moment is the knowing and the greatest is loving. having nothing i cannot be touched or known by what is in my pocket. the life i have with my love inside of every preciousness and emptiness has no end becoming bliss until the days are lost in the golden purity of holding my own heart and feeling the worlds meaning dissolve with the dawn and the sunset all at once. leaving behind all possessions i walk lightly and quickly as the world of karma turns beneath me. the hooks of desire are blunted and the barbs slide from my newly sheathed exterior. i am covered in dispassion. what was a hand is now a extension, what held the treasure is letting go whats not needed. to have the simplest life is devout, to restrain impulse and action for the sheer love of feeling the open awareness without the colors of the ego is joy.i have left the earthly pleasures to the inhabitants and have struck off to the undiscovered worlds that are now familiar landmarks on the trail to the shrines of devotion and love. and its not to the world outside i look for all truth is within and the emptiness of form and fantasy has no pull no where in me to grab a string or push a button as everything now is disabled and done. as the being fills me there is no room for anything else and all thought of lack or loss depart. plenty and abundance are are my limbs and in the middle where before there was an undying hunger, there is only gratitude and  humility for what grace has done.

its not writing i do

, its expounding and believing and feeling and meeting the truth and letting it just go  and see whats left. i question and compare exalt and decline, theres nothing i leave out except some language no one wants to hear. sometimes i change the names to protect the guilty. writing fills the time when i am not chatting with the only being on the planet that is indispensable. The Age of Love is come, begun this year 2012 and extending through the end of the next century. Then the Age of Divine will end the tyranny of the ego-mind forever. The heart and soul together reign supreme and all thought banished from the minds of men. Its not that thought is wrong, its just a poor substitute for the realization of the inner being that is perfectly connected to the universal soul of light, and that connection provides all and has all thoughts, it is the well of knowledge from which all thought derives, and that will think without our need. one will merely ask the question and the answer will be there for everyone. all devices now used to connect everyone will become archaic curios as the children communicate through the psychic, even as the parents are learning the ways of love. all connection all understanding of the oneness of existence. where before we looked outside of ourselves for a cause for our reactions, now the truth will naturally be found within the shell of the tiny self as we make room for the finite being within. love is come to free the world from its own fear, that there is no reality because who we are is false and everything we have created from that false self is tainted with its lack and loss and shortcomings. What it creates is fear and builds empires to hide behind. the real strength is to let the fear come and face it and watch the false self die, then the being emerges unscathed and authentic, then the life divine can become. we are all saving ourselves by saying No More Fear.