writing is for me

writing is for me at best an inexact science, the approximation of the experience. i have little in the way of practical knowledge since my path has been much like the pinball in some cosmic fun palace machine where the flippers are all that stand between you and everlasting peace, until another quarter is dropped in the machine. and i guess I've been longing for that hole, that drop into obscurity, the end of bouncing and buzzers, bells and sirens and whistles, bumpers and kickers. even with the sense of equanimity enlightenment carries its own stigmas. somehow its supposed to be the end of seeking and in a way it is, theres no more question of the who am i or the why or what. but the how is easily lost in the race of each souls convergence with your state. theres a surety and silence there that becomes like the flame beckoning to the moths, and each comes too close and i guess i try to damp down the flame, but theres little i can do but nurture with the heat and in some ways extend their fluttering behests and entreaties. I'm not into pain and dont want to break their little lives into pieces crashing with the stubs of their antennae burning, so i just send love, just send love and imagine that the perfection of the creation will carry them. some have no sense of who i am or any thought of going there and these i just love also but at least they have a direction that is in no way influenced by my actions. but the family always has some importance, their lives are like the arrow of my past still projecting into the present, always pointing to some resolution or lack of resolution in the future. i feel karma like a sack cloth rubbing my ancient skin unavoidable until i can climb naked into the emptiness but if even a thread remains i am held here and each indiscretion or casual consideration becomes another layer of suffering to be endured. each time i reach for the happiness which is always to be alone in nature to be without any contact or concern another reminder comes from the rub of the rough coverings i still carry. i cant say I'm sorry i got into this but i was hoping for a quicker resolution. i think just chucking it all and diving into the depths of awareness and untouched consciousness is probably not going to happen until i have paid for the unconscious decisions that led me on my merry way for so many lives. i await the next seeker, penitent, wise man, troubled soul and have mercy upon both of us in this ordinary life we live.