children, my mother had 9

children, my mother had 9, she was ready to stop after 3, i was number 4. the laws of the catholic church and my fathers insistence, demanded she not not be allowed any birth control, and i assume the idea that she would not have sex was also forbidden or was not part of her personality, because she was like a force of nature and things desired were absolutes and she was in the moment and deadly dangerous. i always saw my mother as a large viperous snake in a room full of bunny rabbits, ready to pounce any time the feeling struck her. but when relaxing she could be very welcoming and friendly. but the moment she lived in could change and her along with it. im sure she was a divine being trapped in some deadly tapasya for her to overcome some repulsion or impulses from a past life. here she was only given labor and poverty, mixed with the force of Kali. she achieved great things and could take on anything and expected everyone else to do the same, though after the first set of 5 children, she was more prone to sit and tell others to do the work. somewhere in the decline into unbridled madness she became unhinged and raised the last three survivors as playthings for her madness and anger. after that she was like a sadhu without morals or reason, striking at the white whale because it was where the gods came close where even they might be brought down with her fury. the family degenerated and she wandered to her brothers house where she stayed for a few years and witnessed him dying and his wife commit slow suicide. and then the degeneration overtook her and the loss of memories came, almost as a final blessing, for with the Alzheimer's came some peace some blissful moments without anger or blame or fury, but now a gentleness descended and she returned to her long suffering mate and he welcomed the frail remainder as his young lover once more. her death at 83 was two months long and painful as her colon died inside her and she slowly suffered great agonies. her chalky white body remained on her bed in my fathers house for a day, long enough for me to drive there to view the remains and see the once great white whale herself finally and completely defeated by this world, though as they drug her to the waiting unmarked station wagon and the green slime flowed out her nose as she was carted away, i could hear her say, ha you think thats bad, wait until they come for you. a life of labor and suffering, madness and degeneration but all in the flow of the divine, as one not held to the world standards except as a convenience or a gambit for her own devices and inner machinations. i still hear her teeth grinding and her eyes like gamblers dice set to roll, ready to take what was hers. (note:picture is of her parents)