what i thought is the last thing to go

what i thought is the last thing to go, its simple arithmetic, the last number is the answer. everyone is searching for it, the end of the sequence that makes all that come before it sensible.until then its a rubics cube without the colors, what difference does it make the combination if all of them work. the monkeys quiet down and begin preening each other. ive gotten pretty close to our simian relatives, at the top of the mountain we call them family trouble, the pinched looks of the children, aged and scared, the bull ape alpha male shaking the trees, mothers with their doleful but hungry eyes. everyone in a mad scramble for the food, but mindfully fearful of the bull always, he doesnt pull his fangs in for anyone. ear half gone, ridges of knotted scars and lost hide. he acts like the biggest puerile asshole you ever met, but no one has taken him down yet.i sit in the pulsing of my system,the energy like a heart pump to the soul, the mind collapsed and buzzing with the knowledge that ive stepped off the cliff. last night was my flight, i even told people i was coming, until i cried and realized there was no leaving for me, no making everyones expectations come true, no fixing the problems still festering on the "Mainland", i think of this as my island continent, this little circle of rice and peanuts and cows and goats and chickens and turkeys and peacocks, children and more children in paradise here, so joyful and free to be living in this open world of india's love. Jed is the master of contempt for the dreamers and unconscious constantly pointing at the futility of interacting with those that cant properly experience the truth of ultimate awareness.

when i quote from someone, its really that i am dipping into their special bag of tricks to make a point and since they explored the subject so well and i learned from them, i like to give credit, though i can hardly say i ever quote directly. truth sits like a vulture on this side of the fence, but soars like the mightiest eagle in the one unending vision of the sky beyond the world in the other. truth wants to kill you now, for your own sake, as a mercy killing of the comatose patient that can never awaken on his own. what is it we call life but the experiences of our senses strung together through memories over lifetimes of repetition. we hardly experience anything but our memories anymore. as we experience again some remembered thing, we immediately categorize it and remove ourselves from that experience. how often do we actually experience something that is either not in our memories or not implanted through some form of repetitive media insertion, so even as we are in that moment, we look at the pictures or words formed by someone else and now programmed into our brains. we are for all intents and purposes dead to the world and the world, whatever it really is, is lost to us. to take yourself out of the homely groove we have all created for ourselves and let something totally unexperienced or written about happen, we must conquer the mind, then everything becomes exactly what it is and not some internal representation that we have stored for use at just the wrong moment, the moment we want so desperately to be in and yet never are. i have conquered some large portions of thought response. i did this by denying myself what the self wanted, the preferences and desires and needs and connections to all the little traps of the world until finally i gave up, and let what is be, just stopped trying to make everything an extension of my ego, and let it have a life of its own making that i get to enjoy. what the universe has created for me exists only when i stop trying to create for myself. sure it seems to this small ego that my stick drawings and mastery of mechanical thought are big accomplishments but letting the heart free and the mind gone have allowed miracles to flow unabated. there is no truth except that which we dont create ourselves. all is the vain attempt to mimic what we see and feel and what can that be but the repetition of our mind and the habit of thinking we know something that actually cannot be true since we are looking for a higher order of awareness than our minds can inhabit. to allow freedom from habit and self doubt at the same time is to embrace the contradiction, for we are the connection to the supreme even as we are completely disconnected from the truth of our situation. how can we be both, yet we must be and anything less is just more mind crap, the lack of cohesion of strict control ends the minds dominance. then what is real becomes obvious in everything and every action becomes mated to the divine that is creating everything in each instant. that is freedom and love and total surrender and thats what i am experiencing more and more. i cant teach this but only speak from experience, what happened to me is a perfect and forgone occurrence of the plan of the divine, but to the small self it looks like coincidence and luck and unbelievable miracles, in truth, its the most natural and simplest thing to just let living and life and existence be what we are given and not what we make of it. what could be easier than to just let what is happen and stop the madness of holding back the sun. what i tell you is i see everyone in their glory, holding the absolute truth of who they are without adornment or pretense, and then choosing to be the small and loving soul they are to help those that truly deserve them and that they truly deserve to serve. all is karmas being washed away in the service for others. i did this for centuries and have finally gotten down to my last few million karmas, its like a sailboat now instead of a supertanker, i can actually feel the waves of consciousness guiding me and the slow catamaran and outrigger to come until finally i am just swimming with the motion of the incredible ocean of being. what love creates it destroys with a kiss that brings the heart into harmony with the one truth, there is no other and we are the children without a mother and the end of ourselves is the beginning of who we are. quiet patience becomes bliss and joy as we accept the emptiness that fills us with awareness and life becomes the expansion into eternity.