remaining intent

i created an intention years ago, to love god, to become that oneness in this lifetime and to manifest this force in this body before i die. all these have become a reality, i know this before i know who i am. the time and space of being follows and creates waves and i am in those sinking below and above the sight of the horizon. sometimes i climb the mountain and can see very clearly the end of this, other times i circle the paths around the bottom and rely on my instincts to know. but knowing is without doubt, this time and space are curving to its destination, the source of self, the entry of personal awareness into the infinite. of course thats a likely distortion of what is happening as there can be no finite part that remains in the process and every step becomes an indeterminate junction of awareness with the unknown. one step before the abyss in the blinding darkness of ananda i know the end or at least a piece of the end is tearing loose and i fall apart scattering the remains upon the rocks of emptiness and solitude. the only thing is there anything left after, and each fall the lesser jumble of parts, the minutia of self and reflex and habit recover what collection of function remaining and shamble to the next crevasse inoculated with bliss and set to the purpose still imprinted on the folds of the brain, the punctured relics responding to the imperative of self destruction in the midst of paradise and grace. for what the ego follows now is pure instinct and not the survival of itself but the realization of the greater whole, rather than its lesser part.forgiveness, gratitude, awareness and joy punctuated with loss and pain, unrealized karmas expressing their dissolution, all pour down the drain of experiences and become the mire from which i am freed. for what is this pain of birth, but leaving all i know behind and pushing the last essence from this unwieldy body through the membrane of existence into the molecular transformation of becoming that which is beyond possibility yet the unquestioned finality that is for all human aspiration. beyond collapse, what remains is merged into unrealized potential, the consciousness beyond self, beyond limits, all inclusive and unmanifested before this instant, realized as both the self and that which cannot be self but only that which is and forever has been the truth of my purpose and the unending grace of my existence to become.