life is like my hair

life is like my hair, one day clean and smooth, next day tangled and dull. same hair, difference day. just returned from deepest south india and a very personal darshan with my master Ayya. 15 hours of local india buses to arrive in kanyakumari, next morning go to the small yard where Ayya lives in his tiny bamboo tipi. we are told he has cancelled all visits and darshan for the past ten days and we must sit and wait beyond the gate. as soon as we stand there, myself, johti and our friend from Poland on his first visit to see Ayya. Ayya's daughter who manages all the cooking and cleaning and organization of shopping and all slowly builds the fire and prepares morning chai for the Master. as I stand outside looking in at the thatched  coverings on all the structures I feel a tremendous energy enter my crown chakra and descend swiftly through my system. I am on fire and baking internally like a kiln, the dry heat even produces an odor of bricks firing.i see other dimensions and feel strangely naked inside. Ayya is giving me his darshan blessing and looking what my system is ready to shift and I am dizzy with the speed and the heat of his blessing. this life is so swiftly come and gone, yet here the moment is all this intimacy with the divine reaches beyond the pale outline of self and transforms into the absolute that which is present and surrendered, I kneel within to his divine presence and feel the washing of my soul.even as I write this I am dizzy with the feeling of having no ground to stand on only the dimensionless surface of truth. I sit before the stone wall and spin in my tempest of supreme love and energetic movement. I am both sick and perfectly feeling each atom in my body connected each intuitive whole aligned with no thought and no feeling. I am empty and so filled with the divine heat. eyes closed, mind blank heart filled with openness. I am done before we begin. over the next three hours we are brought twice before His white energetic presence in the form of a wizened brown yogi. he gives us leaves and betel and the sand he lives upon. he blesses our cloths and blesses us with his presence. each moment I am before him I am in complete surprise. mind is perfectly empty heart full and I am looking al absolute nothing, emptiness and I cannot function. only in the afterwards can I realize what happens, in the moments before him, there is nothing, I think only the surprise of sudden brilliant light, that freezes the senses. the deer in the headlights feeling, and then I am somewhere else, time has passed and I start to realize that I exist. this is the master and I a tiny student of such immensity and force. never have I seen such truth that is transmitted through me so completely. to experience the end of self just being in the presence. and I realize we are sitting for an hour feeding the mosquitos as I have no memory, no sense of time. delicious rice and spicy chutney is given us on metal plates hot and tasty. my insides begin to come alive again. his daughter feeds us and gives us seconds and thirds as we are the only guests today at this special darshan for Johti and his western friends. never have I been so thankful and then so struck with tears of gratitude as we leave with his special photograph given to us. now I can have a picture larger than a postage stamp of him to gaze at and to feel his darshan, for he has blessed each photo and looked me directly as I held it before him. I am a twig before his might tree and limbs encircling the sky. a babe in his woods, yet I feel only protected from the closeness of pure emptiness and feel the darkness as the form of space and time slowing down the unending and unstoppable nothing that is everywhere. one moment with him and my life is unfounded like no words or action could explain or experience. I am a hollow tube and he the sucking force pulling the juice forth from the vastness beyond where I cannot reach through me and filling me yet not me as he is but the me that has only this body to know with. the truth like the light is in the tube I am and flows without disturbance, yet I am changed forever to hold this brilliance that has no color, even for a moment, all time has ceased and can never end. life difference where man and divine  connect, here only is truth shifting ceaseless change into unchanging stillness. one minute is too much to imagine yet eternity is nothing. now many hours later, sitting in my home and writing this, I am in love beyond knowing and bliss freely flowing. for life this is living and no end can stop this