what matter which god

what matter which god i choose or choose not to choose? this truth of existence does not change and my role in it remains what it has always been, the experiencer of the awareness, the agent of the heart, the light bearer or the seer of the light, neither is the one but is a part of the totality of the one.to have been for a few moments the one and the experiencer of the one, that is enough to be. this world is but the holder of the flame, the keeper of the sacred oil, the striker of the match, but the burning is one and the same for all. from the emptiness i come and to that barren field return, for this is but the nightshade and the daylight passing over, the eyes open and emptied of the dreams just passed. i have not left this world but i also have not remained unawakened, just confused by the karma and the unending punishment of life. for some its a party, a joy a gathering, but from this life it weighs like an anchor and never lets go, the only place left is inward ever inward and from that journey there is no return. but to what is there to come back to, there is no home, no forgiveness and no change, just the streak of light and the darkness it traverses. i love and love is changed to need, i give and the taking empties the soul. what is life what is death, what is love or awareness. none exist but in the perception and what perceives, what is aware, alive. for this body carries no truth and this mind holds only the outline of the form not the truth within the boundaries and without. beyond this life i lived without body without mind without world, where am i now if not there but imagining here, or am i here imagining there, or is there not a difference but the mind collapses in trying, for who exists but the force that animates each life like a puppet and a string, pulled every which way but loose and always dangling without a life of its own, is it my own hand that lifts the cord and jerks the dancing figure, there cannot be another for everything is me and nothing is free of that whether in this word or any other no matter what the self may be. to know is not enough for the experiencer, but is everything to the knower. live as though love is and it becomes your existence, let it go and the totality of knowing cannot fill the hole that remains.