everything collapses

everything collapses, the effort, the attachment, the web of pakriti creates the struggle to prevent everything from collapsing, the fear and pain of knowing it will take more than you can give and certain is it that the end is coming, inevitable, for all. there is no protecting from karma or the actions of unconscious living, no magic bullet that slays the coming storm. you can see the world as it is and as you want it to be, and what is always wins. but there is the noble of birth and the self savior that stretches willingly upon the cross and sings for his supper of pain and slow torture feeling the purity of his sacrifice for surely another life will reward this one and yet those around him are showered only with the blood and sweat and soiled by the unending greed and desire of the ego, alive and supreme in the moment of his own crucifixion. for who can hold off what is the unsullied torpor and endless desire of others own making? what teaches them if you take the lessons meant for their  learning? is your pain teaching better than theirs? the universe has certain rules, the lessons will be given until they are learned, and lesson one is you cant take the test for someone else. the universe knows who you are and who they are. if you come between , then you become the lesson and in doing so, take on the karma, the test for the other but do not allow them to pass the class. they must still learn on their own later after you have been destroyed and can no longer do their karma for them.for doing someone elses test gives you no strength, does not advance you does not create the energy that a true realization would, you are just an impediment to the force and will be swept away so the work can be done.the saying is, no good turn goes unpunished, and this is the law of delaying someone elses karma, you become the lesson. let everyone learn on their own, do not become the consoler and helper of the lazy and greedy, the victim and the victimizers, the takers and the givers. let them find out their own way what is coming for their efforts or lack. none care for the divine, none want the yoke of suffering taken from them, their vision is this world and its paradise of pain and pleasure. a single word to the soul when its ready will create the opening, no need to roll away the stone of their burden or stop the curse of their vital. when the ego has been taught through karmic repetition the falsity of its desires, then just the name of the supreme is all that is needed for the soul will be able to come forward and begin its journey. one glimpse of the truth will open the heart and let loose the stranglehold of the ego. transformation comes through the individual, each in its own way and time, you cannot transform another unless you carry the force of the supreme, and then it is not you who brings this and its is the force of karma that is released  and is transformed into the opening for the divine within to be realized.

this habit

this habit, like all things is a concentration of attention, it focuses all of your capacity on one stream one flow of the energy and ignores the rest. we call this the self, we habituate in the moment as an organized collection of attentions. this is important, this is not. this is not even considered. all things become playthings of the energetic collection, adding and subtracting at will this conglomeration of objectified emotions and desires. we become a floating pool of distractions. there is no right or wrong, just notice the way consciousness becomes clouded, overwhelmed and finally tuned out from the senselessness of the play of the habitual mind becoming the controller of life through its ability to become attached to things and hold them in attention before the open door of awareness. if every time you are looking through that opening and you see the same litany of complaints or desires or self satisfied reactions soon that is no longer an opening, but rather a pit of unconscious manifestations of misdirected attention. Its here that the inner being retreats from the outer being for there is no opening to emerge to become the one point of truth, attention, focus for this consciousness to prevail. in the darkness of the cave the inner soul resides perfectly in tune with the divine from which it comes. there meditation and peace flow like sunshine and emptiness is the fullness of being. all life surrounds this and all life avoids the truth, that what we attach ourselves to in the outer world is the mistaken identity of self. the mind has no awareness only attention. it cannot know truth from fiction, knowledge from ignorance. it only reads the letters and sees the pictures, it cannot bridge the gap between experience and awareness, the frame of consciousness that must be awakened to allow the force of truth to emerge from the inner cave of the soul. all life grows from its experiences, its accumulation of positive and negative reinforcements that become the basis of all our thinking, these habits of the body and the mind,but these have very limited application beyond preserving the body and protecting the collection of habits that surround these behaviors. life must grow in leaps not increments and the leap to consciousness leaves the mind in shambles and the door to soul open, here the veils and coverings are torn away and the light of the divine burns away the false attentions of the mind. become one with the inner self, even underneath the distractions enter the cave through meditation and devotion, then the light will emerge and tear away the illusions that have covered the door of true conscious awareness.

transformation like death

transformation like death is inevitable, but may not happen in this lifetime or in many lifetimes to come. until you realize your bondage, you will not embark upon this quest. the degree of suffering must become unbearable and the ordinary methods of coping become ineffective. alive and experiencing support and well being from our human emotions, there is no reason to change or to think that change is ever necessary. the four types of beings that come to the guru, the seekers of knowledge , the seekers of wealth, men of wisdom and the distressed, only the distressed are actually ready to transform. the others come to add to their human capacity and seek only comfort and status. the men of wisdom have realized their higher mental and intelligence and seek to validate their status, the seekers of knowledge have already determined what they seek and thereby cannot see the truth before them, the seekers of wealth are filled with human desire and wish only to momentarily satiate it.  the distressed come from everywhere and know not their goal only to end the suffering, they are willing to do what is required for they know what they have been doing has only resulted in more suffering. in this manner, the path of transformation at first seems like poison as more suffering ensues but soon, quickly if the follower is willing, this turns to the nectar, for it is this that feeds the spiritual nature. giving up what makes the body or the vital happy, it is painful at first but soon becomes a joy as the burden of desire is lifted and the spirit is released to feel the joy of existence without attachment. this comes not from persisting in ones own preferences and comforts, fame, power the fruits of their actions as the desirous system will, nor in the indulgence in laziness,sleep depression fear psychosis false vanity and brooding as the unconscious system will. the spiritual nature will persist with unwavering firmness to control the mind, vital and physical senses, it is this consistent action that brings the transformation, indulgence and sense pleasures cannot bring about any change from the bondage of the human existence. in the path of devotion the seeker throws all manner of self satisfaction onto the fire of devotion and seeks only to be in union with the divine being in the form that is revealed to them, that divine union is the only end of suffering for them. in the path of Knowledge it is the renunciation of all actions and their results and the seeking of the divine knowledge the pure awareness of the one. here all that prevents this untroubled state is cast aside and with the state of the guru the seeker is able to surrender all sense of self. both result in liberation and union, but it is through devotion that suffering ends quickly. seek that which is your aspiration and know that suffering is the signpost to the path.

the contour of the inner experience

the contour of the inner experience, which way the lounge faces and at what height and angle, and its only in the most special positioning that any thing can be realized for the predilections and preferences are in full command. im incomplete without my pillows and yoga mat, the lighting just so and incense and candles waxing slowly in the unsullied atmosphere of subtle sanguinity . the raga sutra softly drifting in the air, now i am ready, now is the time of our contentment and cushioned surrendering. here is the final frontier of awakening practiced. i sleep like a log and mutter briefly as the darkness at 3 am wakes me, the utter silence of time and space without perception, i get up in the unchilly air and step into my sweats, there was a time i would be thinking of my predawn run up the hills, as i prepare a morning brew, now i just hanker for the java my jones a palpable force. one cup two raisin toasts with PB, i sit and peruse the morning internet. like some junkie with his fix my body struggles to both sleep and wake at the same time. im not a good resleeper so this is the state of existence, allowing the waking consciousness to exist even before there is a thought of light in the sky. i know im violating all the prerequisites of true enlightenment, not sleeping all night reading, writing, feeling the life of the missing man the endangered species the last of the midnight ramblers, i dont have a place or car or a life but the full moon sets slowly in the dying night and the stars finally appear knowing their moment upon the stage is brief and quickly faded. i breathe the night going the day coming and i with it a lone, undetermined but for my habits still loosely pulling this body along. what matter this elusive capture, this marching to a drummer darkly, i have no strings but i dance as the master sings.children have no such answers but live a life that is so in peril yet we cannot save them from this nor hurry them forth. this life we live is precious and has no equal in the universe, we are given the key and are left to our own devices to open the door, as long as we want we are free to ignore the truth and dive into the drama and forget the dharma, but someday somehow the patterns shift the door sits like a looming obelisk and none can find a way around its shadow, even the eyes of the flowers stare into my soul and the light that is not captured by the earth is filling my eyes with joy, a million flowers bloom and the waterfalls of heaven are pouring down upon me. this life this wonderful world is mine and no matter who knows it nothing changes the journey or its rewards and sacrifices, being one being and not somehow part of one but all of everything is the only truth and emptiness has no hold nor does a void open before me, just the endlessness of existence like a light without a source shining everywhere.

writing is for me

writing is for me at best an inexact science, the approximation of the experience. i have little in the way of practical knowledge since my path has been much like the pinball in some cosmic fun palace machine where the flippers are all that stand between you and everlasting peace, until another quarter is dropped in the machine. and i guess I've been longing for that hole, that drop into obscurity, the end of bouncing and buzzers, bells and sirens and whistles, bumpers and kickers. even with the sense of equanimity enlightenment carries its own stigmas. somehow its supposed to be the end of seeking and in a way it is, theres no more question of the who am i or the why or what. but the how is easily lost in the race of each souls convergence with your state. theres a surety and silence there that becomes like the flame beckoning to the moths, and each comes too close and i guess i try to damp down the flame, but theres little i can do but nurture with the heat and in some ways extend their fluttering behests and entreaties. I'm not into pain and dont want to break their little lives into pieces crashing with the stubs of their antennae burning, so i just send love, just send love and imagine that the perfection of the creation will carry them. some have no sense of who i am or any thought of going there and these i just love also but at least they have a direction that is in no way influenced by my actions. but the family always has some importance, their lives are like the arrow of my past still projecting into the present, always pointing to some resolution or lack of resolution in the future. i feel karma like a sack cloth rubbing my ancient skin unavoidable until i can climb naked into the emptiness but if even a thread remains i am held here and each indiscretion or casual consideration becomes another layer of suffering to be endured. each time i reach for the happiness which is always to be alone in nature to be without any contact or concern another reminder comes from the rub of the rough coverings i still carry. i cant say I'm sorry i got into this but i was hoping for a quicker resolution. i think just chucking it all and diving into the depths of awareness and untouched consciousness is probably not going to happen until i have paid for the unconscious decisions that led me on my merry way for so many lives. i await the next seeker, penitent, wise man, troubled soul and have mercy upon both of us in this ordinary life we live.

born without bodies

born without bodies, the soul is brought into this world ancient and unmovable. there is no pleasure to exist in the physical plane without a body.it is a sacrifice to even be aware of its limitations and constrictions, all movement is restrained all action contained within its laws and predictions. and how can the eternal being become less than it is, or something it is not, are these even possibilities in this world. we become that, not through any change in the divine soul, but through the manipulation of the sensory system in the body. as a baby the being experiences life through the senses without any filtering, all is chaos and colors, feeling wonderful and feeling horrible, everything is new and the newness is the delight. to begin new, without the knowing of infinite amounts of experiences and existences, to be one with the newness of life, for this a billion children come into life, there is no end to the desire for this. and then the play, the reawakening, but who would know its the hardest game, the video game with the ultimate features, death, pain, pleasure to ensure that the players dont get bored to death.endless levels of struggle and distraction, somewhere the Mother is calling her children home, enough play, its time for the work, to wake up to get all these infinite beings out of these bodies and into their true nature, into the endless truth of the process of manifesting her play her creation, for where is the evolution and transformation if every being is stuck in its self addicted body. Who created this, who wanted this experience of the physical and thrust the divine into these bodies? The Mother, tired of the sleeping unmanifest Brahma, enticing him with the play of existence and life, thrust the unliving soul into the living body created just for Him, so He could awaken in Her creation, feel the Divine Love she has brought, become so enraptured with Her that all thought of sleeping would end, but alas, Brahma is nothing, if not disinterested, callous to the Mothers play, staying in a torpid slumber through all her enchantments, waking only to satisfy His needs and then return to the bed of unconsciousness. and this is the play the eternal movement, as if the gods were come from Olympus in human form, for that is who we are unknowing, the divine sleeps and has no interest in this play of the physical, yet Mother will not relent and sends Him again and again in every form into this world of her delight, the maya unending to bring forth His true nature in Her creation. to awaken the sleeping unmanifest into consciousness of her creation. and as he resists and turns away she steps forth into her world, into her own creation and tries to free Him of his delusion, of His imprisonment that should be a joy, His pain that should be ecstasy, His suffering that should be bliss. and every time one of his selves awakens Her divine love pours down upon His awakened being. This is the state we all aspire to, her divine love to be that which is the truth of our divine existence to know the union of unmanifest with the manifest and be delighted in Her ceaseless being of pure Love and Light.

my boots outside

my boots outside like old soldiers cold and stiff, willing but retired, ready to perform their duty whenever they are needed, one more campaign of glory, one more march to the unknown destination, for what are feet in this world, the means of travel, the only reliable transportation a human can use. for when my feet carry me, i know i have arrived complete and in one being collected all at the same time at the same point with no parts still following unable to match the body's transport through this worlds physical dimensions. be here now, all of me, the truth of me in one motion become the earth and sky, the thought and experience, the imagined and the known. for that i have gone and returned from every place too distant and so near, complete and incomplete struggling and at peace to this home of the ancients the cells of the heart interiorizing the experiences of the body, exteriorizing the experiences of the soul. we live in the journeys crossroads and intersections, every pathway enters and exits from this nexus within. the boots we keep are the wings of the uncaged bird that fly higher with each heartbeat and flashes across the brilliance of the inner expanse. we are set free in the experience of true wonder and the incalculable wealth of gratitude. beyond the diamonds of the mind, beyond thoughts like radiant moonbeams, the darkness of truth expands and has no need of sight or sound, no want for the brilliance or shade, the truth like a blanket shelters, like a wind exposes, like the ocean drowns the self in purity that has no form or thought or feeling but beyond all permeates every space between and folds like pillars of velvet through the being. we are not alone or together but one and only that, each segment or division, each crack or vibration, exists as the mirage of infinity perceived. there is nothing but the endlessness and the unknown, yet the perceiver has no way of knowing, until the seer stops, for the stillness has no end or beginning, no waking up or sleeping, the past like butterflies forget their beginnings, exist in the transformation with wings of unbearable beauty and light glows around their form just for the instant of their expressiveness, and fades as the emptiness surrenders to the truth, that all light all darkness all perception exists for love, the transformation become aware perceive release as breath of the universe born living dying in one motion undone and gone.