I AM is somehow more

I AM is somehow more proof worthy than you are, according to the enlightened masters here and there that bother to write about or speak about such things. I know the use of I is questionable amongst the spiritually inclined but it exists as do you and everyone else, there is no magic bullet that makes everyone disappear, i know, ive tried many times to dissuade myself of that possibility. for the I that is and the other that makes the I  singular and not collective, exist for the same reason that everything exists, because I say so. it may be that every I i see is just another replica of the I that is in me. the essential self, that which once you remove the who and what and why and how, remains, a sense of consciousness in love, desirous of living, to experience the joy of experiencing, to be whatever just to be and know the beingness of the thing experienced. and every person is this self, the essential I that has no moral compass or ethics or programming, but is just breathing the air with excitement for what is happening, whatever it is, and seeks itself in everything, its conscious nature recognized by that which is experienced completing the loop of consciousness experiencing itself being experienced by consciousness. that fusion, that connection, is love,to be acknowledged by the innate essential quality that creates the uniqueness of each drop of water and each breath of air, that makes the hummingbird wing so perfect and the rabbits fur so soft, that each leaf is an expression of its desire to be, to be something that says I AM, experience me and I will experience you too, for experience is not passive though no action is taken or words exchanged, the being knows itself in everything and bends to touch itself everywhere, to feel and sense its multiplicity and beauty and acknowledge the perfection of the unending being in everything and its joy to be here without reservation. for you and I are the one we both know is ourselves, and everything is just that being expressing its love and joy to be present with itself through you.

life exists

life exists as the expression of the universal force of becoming, all form is becoming from formlessness to form to consciousness embodied in that form, yet nothing remains unchanging, all forms change to become to evolve, in the cosmic scope, evolution of the species is but a blink, the passage of universes from expanding creation to devolving destruction is the turning of a page. all time exists only in the frame of reference in which it is experienced. the consciousness of the human form is structured to experience everything separated each minute detail alone and distinct as not the self, the opposite of the reality,the other extreme of the universal spectrum. as our forms evolve not just physically but also emotionally, mentally and psychically, our ability to expand our grasp of the universal nature of our finite existence evolves also, from the sense of a universal force separate from ourselves to the experience of the universal force within us welcoming us to merge with it to experience the ultimate wonder of the infinite contained in the tiniest particle of existence and both in one motion collapsing into the experience of pure love and bliss as the truth of the realization overwhelms everything everywhere. that each particle is the infinite being evolving to be fully conscious of the totality of its being and purpose, that everything is conscious and sharing in the experience of the universal evolution. we are the components of the being just as our eyes are components of our bodies, seeing everything yet not the being itself. we are eyes becoming aware of the body and of its workings and the purpose of our existence is in the seeing to help the body function, to provide a clear vision of what is all around, to be a functional aspect of the divine body, and to merge with that being as one and know the experience of existence. that is what uplifts the human form, its ability to share the divine vision, the divine awareness the supreme consciousness that expands to include all existence and somehow exists in nothing. for it is the absence of consciousness that permeates the divine awakening, the emptiness that is in and surrounds all that is and gives everything its definition and purpose. we exist in the expression of not unmanifest, to go beyond the unknowable and proceed until it is possible to know in some fashion, that which spawned all being, all life, all creation and in the union with that no longer experience any differentiation of form or non form but rather the unformed that has no expression and from there what cannot be evolves.

everything collapses

everything collapses, the effort, the attachment, the web of pakriti creates the struggle to prevent everything from collapsing, the fear and pain of knowing it will take more than you can give and certain is it that the end is coming, inevitable, for all. there is no protecting from karma or the actions of unconscious living, no magic bullet that slays the coming storm. you can see the world as it is and as you want it to be, and what is always wins. but there is the noble of birth and the self savior that stretches willingly upon the cross and sings for his supper of pain and slow torture feeling the purity of his sacrifice for surely another life will reward this one and yet those around him are showered only with the blood and sweat and soiled by the unending greed and desire of the ego, alive and supreme in the moment of his own crucifixion. for who can hold off what is the unsullied torpor and endless desire of others own making? what teaches them if you take the lessons meant for their  learning? is your pain teaching better than theirs? the universe has certain rules, the lessons will be given until they are learned, and lesson one is you cant take the test for someone else. the universe knows who you are and who they are. if you come between , then you become the lesson and in doing so, take on the karma, the test for the other but do not allow them to pass the class. they must still learn on their own later after you have been destroyed and can no longer do their karma for them.for doing someone elses test gives you no strength, does not advance you does not create the energy that a true realization would, you are just an impediment to the force and will be swept away so the work can be done.the saying is, no good turn goes unpunished, and this is the law of delaying someone elses karma, you become the lesson. let everyone learn on their own, do not become the consoler and helper of the lazy and greedy, the victim and the victimizers, the takers and the givers. let them find out their own way what is coming for their efforts or lack. none care for the divine, none want the yoke of suffering taken from them, their vision is this world and its paradise of pain and pleasure. a single word to the soul when its ready will create the opening, no need to roll away the stone of their burden or stop the curse of their vital. when the ego has been taught through karmic repetition the falsity of its desires, then just the name of the supreme is all that is needed for the soul will be able to come forward and begin its journey. one glimpse of the truth will open the heart and let loose the stranglehold of the ego. transformation comes through the individual, each in its own way and time, you cannot transform another unless you carry the force of the supreme, and then it is not you who brings this and its is the force of karma that is released  and is transformed into the opening for the divine within to be realized.

this habit

this habit, like all things is a concentration of attention, it focuses all of your capacity on one stream one flow of the energy and ignores the rest. we call this the self, we habituate in the moment as an organized collection of attentions. this is important, this is not. this is not even considered. all things become playthings of the energetic collection, adding and subtracting at will this conglomeration of objectified emotions and desires. we become a floating pool of distractions. there is no right or wrong, just notice the way consciousness becomes clouded, overwhelmed and finally tuned out from the senselessness of the play of the habitual mind becoming the controller of life through its ability to become attached to things and hold them in attention before the open door of awareness. if every time you are looking through that opening and you see the same litany of complaints or desires or self satisfied reactions soon that is no longer an opening, but rather a pit of unconscious manifestations of misdirected attention. Its here that the inner being retreats from the outer being for there is no opening to emerge to become the one point of truth, attention, focus for this consciousness to prevail. in the darkness of the cave the inner soul resides perfectly in tune with the divine from which it comes. there meditation and peace flow like sunshine and emptiness is the fullness of being. all life surrounds this and all life avoids the truth, that what we attach ourselves to in the outer world is the mistaken identity of self. the mind has no awareness only attention. it cannot know truth from fiction, knowledge from ignorance. it only reads the letters and sees the pictures, it cannot bridge the gap between experience and awareness, the frame of consciousness that must be awakened to allow the force of truth to emerge from the inner cave of the soul. all life grows from its experiences, its accumulation of positive and negative reinforcements that become the basis of all our thinking, these habits of the body and the mind,but these have very limited application beyond preserving the body and protecting the collection of habits that surround these behaviors. life must grow in leaps not increments and the leap to consciousness leaves the mind in shambles and the door to soul open, here the veils and coverings are torn away and the light of the divine burns away the false attentions of the mind. become one with the inner self, even underneath the distractions enter the cave through meditation and devotion, then the light will emerge and tear away the illusions that have covered the door of true conscious awareness.

transformation like death

transformation like death is inevitable, but may not happen in this lifetime or in many lifetimes to come. until you realize your bondage, you will not embark upon this quest. the degree of suffering must become unbearable and the ordinary methods of coping become ineffective. alive and experiencing support and well being from our human emotions, there is no reason to change or to think that change is ever necessary. the four types of beings that come to the guru, the seekers of knowledge , the seekers of wealth, men of wisdom and the distressed, only the distressed are actually ready to transform. the others come to add to their human capacity and seek only comfort and status. the men of wisdom have realized their higher mental and intelligence and seek to validate their status, the seekers of knowledge have already determined what they seek and thereby cannot see the truth before them, the seekers of wealth are filled with human desire and wish only to momentarily satiate it.  the distressed come from everywhere and know not their goal only to end the suffering, they are willing to do what is required for they know what they have been doing has only resulted in more suffering. in this manner, the path of transformation at first seems like poison as more suffering ensues but soon, quickly if the follower is willing, this turns to the nectar, for it is this that feeds the spiritual nature. giving up what makes the body or the vital happy, it is painful at first but soon becomes a joy as the burden of desire is lifted and the spirit is released to feel the joy of existence without attachment. this comes not from persisting in ones own preferences and comforts, fame, power the fruits of their actions as the desirous system will, nor in the indulgence in laziness,sleep depression fear psychosis false vanity and brooding as the unconscious system will. the spiritual nature will persist with unwavering firmness to control the mind, vital and physical senses, it is this consistent action that brings the transformation, indulgence and sense pleasures cannot bring about any change from the bondage of the human existence. in the path of devotion the seeker throws all manner of self satisfaction onto the fire of devotion and seeks only to be in union with the divine being in the form that is revealed to them, that divine union is the only end of suffering for them. in the path of Knowledge it is the renunciation of all actions and their results and the seeking of the divine knowledge the pure awareness of the one. here all that prevents this untroubled state is cast aside and with the state of the guru the seeker is able to surrender all sense of self. both result in liberation and union, but it is through devotion that suffering ends quickly. seek that which is your aspiration and know that suffering is the signpost to the path.

the contour of the inner experience

the contour of the inner experience, which way the lounge faces and at what height and angle, and its only in the most special positioning that any thing can be realized for the predilections and preferences are in full command. im incomplete without my pillows and yoga mat, the lighting just so and incense and candles waxing slowly in the unsullied atmosphere of subtle sanguinity . the raga sutra softly drifting in the air, now i am ready, now is the time of our contentment and cushioned surrendering. here is the final frontier of awakening practiced. i sleep like a log and mutter briefly as the darkness at 3 am wakes me, the utter silence of time and space without perception, i get up in the unchilly air and step into my sweats, there was a time i would be thinking of my predawn run up the hills, as i prepare a morning brew, now i just hanker for the java my jones a palpable force. one cup two raisin toasts with PB, i sit and peruse the morning internet. like some junkie with his fix my body struggles to both sleep and wake at the same time. im not a good resleeper so this is the state of existence, allowing the waking consciousness to exist even before there is a thought of light in the sky. i know im violating all the prerequisites of true enlightenment, not sleeping all night reading, writing, feeling the life of the missing man the endangered species the last of the midnight ramblers, i dont have a place or car or a life but the full moon sets slowly in the dying night and the stars finally appear knowing their moment upon the stage is brief and quickly faded. i breathe the night going the day coming and i with it a lone, undetermined but for my habits still loosely pulling this body along. what matter this elusive capture, this marching to a drummer darkly, i have no strings but i dance as the master sings.children have no such answers but live a life that is so in peril yet we cannot save them from this nor hurry them forth. this life we live is precious and has no equal in the universe, we are given the key and are left to our own devices to open the door, as long as we want we are free to ignore the truth and dive into the drama and forget the dharma, but someday somehow the patterns shift the door sits like a looming obelisk and none can find a way around its shadow, even the eyes of the flowers stare into my soul and the light that is not captured by the earth is filling my eyes with joy, a million flowers bloom and the waterfalls of heaven are pouring down upon me. this life this wonderful world is mine and no matter who knows it nothing changes the journey or its rewards and sacrifices, being one being and not somehow part of one but all of everything is the only truth and emptiness has no hold nor does a void open before me, just the endlessness of existence like a light without a source shining everywhere.

writing is for me

writing is for me at best an inexact science, the approximation of the experience. i have little in the way of practical knowledge since my path has been much like the pinball in some cosmic fun palace machine where the flippers are all that stand between you and everlasting peace, until another quarter is dropped in the machine. and i guess I've been longing for that hole, that drop into obscurity, the end of bouncing and buzzers, bells and sirens and whistles, bumpers and kickers. even with the sense of equanimity enlightenment carries its own stigmas. somehow its supposed to be the end of seeking and in a way it is, theres no more question of the who am i or the why or what. but the how is easily lost in the race of each souls convergence with your state. theres a surety and silence there that becomes like the flame beckoning to the moths, and each comes too close and i guess i try to damp down the flame, but theres little i can do but nurture with the heat and in some ways extend their fluttering behests and entreaties. I'm not into pain and dont want to break their little lives into pieces crashing with the stubs of their antennae burning, so i just send love, just send love and imagine that the perfection of the creation will carry them. some have no sense of who i am or any thought of going there and these i just love also but at least they have a direction that is in no way influenced by my actions. but the family always has some importance, their lives are like the arrow of my past still projecting into the present, always pointing to some resolution or lack of resolution in the future. i feel karma like a sack cloth rubbing my ancient skin unavoidable until i can climb naked into the emptiness but if even a thread remains i am held here and each indiscretion or casual consideration becomes another layer of suffering to be endured. each time i reach for the happiness which is always to be alone in nature to be without any contact or concern another reminder comes from the rub of the rough coverings i still carry. i cant say I'm sorry i got into this but i was hoping for a quicker resolution. i think just chucking it all and diving into the depths of awareness and untouched consciousness is probably not going to happen until i have paid for the unconscious decisions that led me on my merry way for so many lives. i await the next seeker, penitent, wise man, troubled soul and have mercy upon both of us in this ordinary life we live.